There's one porn every minute

I am in quite a good mood today, because I just received a royalty check for a book I wrote six years ago called Lured by Lust.



(By the way, has anyone else noticed the striking resemblance between the model on the cover of Lured by Lust, and thinking man's pin up, Nigella Lawson? Is there something we should know, Nigella? If so, love, it's nothing to be ashamed of. We've all been there. Desperate for cash, you answer an ad for 'models' and find yourself in a disused warehouse, wearing stick on nails and a bad wig, being asked to look sultry despite the fact there's draft blowing up your skirt and the photographer's trying to grope you.)

Want to hazard a guess about what Lured by Lust is about? If you answered: a bisexual nymphomaniac working in a London art gallery, you are right on the money. Receiving the check got me to thinking, why is the only book I wrote which is not out of print, the only one making money, the saucy one?

It's not like I haven't tried. I wrote what I thought was a really good psychological thriller called Guilt ,which failed to set the literary world alight. I've written chick lit until my ears fell off, but while publishers say, "wow, this is wonderful," they also say, "this theme has been done before, so we can't buy your manuscript. Go back and spend another year writing a novel we don't want to buy. Oh, and good luck!"

Maybe it's time to wake up and smell the coffee, and realize that the only thing I will ever be good at is writing erotic romances for people without the imagination to think up these sorts of masturbatory scenarios themselves. Yes, I think I will set set off on another erotic voyage. I've got a few ideas percolating in my head, but it would be great if you could give me your sexy plot suggestions, i.e. wealthy fortyish woman meets much younger man on a cruise ship, and offers him a million dollars to sleep with her. While they're on the cruise ship they fall in love, and at the end of the trip he's handed her the money back. All together now, aaah!

Your plot idea will be shamelessly utilized and you will not get any of the royalties, but you will have a deep warm sense of satisfaction, knowing you have helped make me rich.