Am I the only woman in the world who's never faked it?

Maybe I have blogged about this before, I can't really remember. The subject up for today is, faking orgasms. What's that all about? I just read this article by a woman whose name isn't listed, called Faking it? The tyranny of the female orgasm, who is a bit negative about men and er, the idea that any man could ever actuallly give her an orgasm, but still, it's quite amusing.

Like I say, I've never done it. I think I'd crack up anyway. And secondly, what the fuck's the point? So, you hurt his feelings once in a while. He probably hurts your feelings when he cooks some inedible casserole which you eat and pretend is lovely. It's swings and roundabouts, in any relationship.

Anyway, the lady who wrote this article says:

Most of us do fake orgasm, often. In every porn video the whores are whimpering, snorting and panting from the git-go, at the merest touch in vaguely the right area from a even the rubberiest of male organs. Faking it is de rigueur. Most women do it because given their workload they need to get the sex over with in the nicest way and get some sleep. It’s called “keeping everyone (but yourself) happy”. That principle is a chief mechanism in women’s oppression and I am saddened but not surprised to hear Fay Weldon (who says you should fake orgasms for the male's ego) upholding it.

If you’re Paris Hilton — hugely rich, entirely self-willed and don’t give a damn whether the people around you are happy or not — you can skip the whole performance. In a porn video made by some hustler when Hilton was only 18, he crouches head-down between her thighs, snuffling like a trufflehound, while she lies back, staring expressionlessly at the ceiling.

The sequence lasts about 20 minutes. I almost expected her to ask the famous question from Deep Throat: “Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?” But she remains mute and motionless throughout. She could be asleep. Attagirl.

The rest of us wouldn’t dare to be so disobliging. We moan and groan to make our man feel good, much as a man will tell his date that she’s the prettiest girl in the room. It’s just good manners.

Most of us are too insecure to be upfront about our failure to respond. Weldon is wrong: men are not expected to supply women’s orgasms. These days women are expected to produce orgasms on demand. Regardless of age or fitness or the tedium of the relationship, we’re all supposed to be hot, up for it, in all circumstances, at all times. The insertion of the penis is tantamount to lighting the blue touchpaper. If we don’t go off like a fire-cracker, it’s not the man’s fault but ours. The most potent cause of so much faking it is fear of appearing frigid, of being a “dud bash”.

Okay, at that point she goes off the rails and is obviously talking about some bastard she married who made her life hell and who she is now involved in a long bitter divorce battle with.

But the bit about Paris Hilton is funny. I've been in that situation. If you're bored to tears you can always make a shopping list in your head. Why moan and groan if it's doing nothing for you? I am however worried that I might actually be like Paris: entirely self-willed and don’t give a damn whether the people around you are happy or not. If only I had the 25 million fortune to go with it.

So, what about you. Have you faked it?