Like Bono, I do a lot of charity work, but I don't like to talk about it. Actually, I don't do any charity work, but unlike Bono, I did not, once Ireland declared that artists had to pay a bit of tax on their income, move all my assets offshore, while at the same time preaching a crock of crap about helping the poor and curing AIDS by handing out free U2 CDs. The fecker.
But I digress...I did actually do a bit of good in the world the other day. I met this bloke, Cosmic Shambles, at the Blogger Happy Hour last week. He was having a few problems. On his blog he was worrying himself to shreds about the fact that he was dating some woman he liked too much to have sex with. He kept batting away her sexual advances, because she said having sex with him would be no big deal, while he wanted it to be deep and meaningful.
With my typical directness I got straight to the heart of the problem:
"Why do you even care," I wrote on his blog, "if the first time is a mindless fuck? After that it might become meaningful, it might not. You have to just dive in and take whatever crap comes flying your way. You can intellectualize it to death but it won't help. You know it."
And you know what, he actually thought my advice was good! I actually helped him out! All of which makes me think that maybe I've got a God given gift for solving problems. Not my own, obviously, but other people's.
So if you have a problem, please send it in and I'll set your world to rights. If you have problems that deal with sexual dysfunction, however, it might be best to keep your name anonymous, or I might be tempted to rip the piss out of you. Address all correspondence to Auntie Emma.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
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10 comments:
Dear Aunty Emma,
My boyfriend moved to California recently leaving me in Iceland. We are now in a "long distance relationship", but how can I make sure he doesn't trade me in for a blingier model, like Paris Hilton? I know California is full of them.
Thanks in advance,
Anonymous
You're the next Dr. Ruth. Seriously, Emma. I think we're onto something here...Mother in Vienna, great sex advice and frankness. That's it. You need a cable show.
blimey - that woman on his blog is thin. i couldn't work out which way up she was. now THAT's a problem. or maybe not. i'm clearly just not thinking outside the box (if you'll pardon the phrase). if i think of a problem, you'll be the first to know...
Dear Auntie Emma ~
I'm not getting to bed early enough. I stay up very late.. last night til after 1am writing in my blog and helping the cat (Emma, incidentally) w/ hers as well.. you know.. spellchecking. Plus there is so much good tv all of a sudden this fall that I'm always up to 11 watching that, then reading other blogs, writing in my own. However am I supposed to disconnect and let go enough to get at least my needed 7 hrs sleep??!
Sleepless in Seattle (I couldn't help myself.. had to)
Dear Aunty Emma,
You have a potty mouth, but I love you anyway.
You already know my problems and I doubt there's anything you can do about them, but thanks anyway.
--Cranks.
Dear Aunty Emma,
I'm so glad you are here for me.
I can't think of anything right this second. I'll get back to ya.
Sincerely,
Me
Excellent advice! I might have said to not only give in but give her some killer big O's (wink wink). That'll make sex meaningful mighty quick.
auntie emma,
i have a problem. My son is torn between two sisters.
The olderone gives him kisses but is an older woman and as you know older women can be a bit bossy.
The younger one is just the type that doesn't communicate well in a relationship.
Some advice for my young man on how to handle this situation :)
Dear Annie
How do you keep your spouse? By getting breast implants of course. Plus liposuction, cheek implants, Botox and a Brazilian wax. It might cost thousands, but out of the acrylic claws of those Californian vixens.
Glad to be of help,
Auntie Emma
Dear Ms Devylish,
How should you disconnect? There's just one thing for those nights when you can't get to sleep. Turn off the TV and computer. Get into bed at ten. Then reach for your friend the Rabbit. It's got long ears but no fur, yes, it's a vibrator. It'll set you off to sleep with a smile on your face.
Sweet dreams darlin,
Auntie Emma
Dear Kira,
I think your son should choose the older woman. She will be an invaluable guide in all matters, from teaching him how to always poo in the potty to how to dance in front of a woman without looking like a dick, as well as instructing him in the finer points of female conversation.
Best,
Auntie Emma
Oh girl.. that 'advice' of yours just made me laugh out loud.. you are a crack up!
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