Creaming off the Germans

Okay, I’m thinking that I’m not going to tell you everything that went down last night because I think (don’t know for sure) that my husband reads my blog. Not to mention my mother. But all I will say is that I went out with this German girl who is really crazy. Some of the things she's been up to made even my hair stand on end. Yes indeed, her stories of strange sexual shenanigans were certainly eye opening and maybe I will share them sometime. Well, okay, here's one: once she stayed on after hours at a pub and her and several guys watched some friends of theirs screwing on a sofa and photographed the whole thing on their cell phones and then sent the pictures to all their friends. I'm not sure how common this sort of thing is, all I know is that I have never done it. But that's only because I don't have a cell phone [said in a tongue in cheek tone].

Where was I? Ah yes, my new friend. It is such a relief to have found someone who is crazier than me, and way badder. Well, the bad part wouldn’t be that hard. I mean, I’m not bad at all these days, how can I be, I’m a mom. But, actually, Sabine is a mom too. Except that her daughter is fourteen, so that gives her a lot more freedom than I have.

I went round to Sabine’s house last night to have a drink before we went out on the town. Her daughter was away at a party, so Sabine smoked a fag and said, “Oh, I can smoke in the house tonight because my daughter is out. Otherwise she would disapprove.” I thought that was kind of funny, the daughter disapproving of the mom smoking.

I always do this, hook up with an extrovert with loads of friends and then I go along for the ride. And since her ex-husband is a barman in one the pubs we went to, we got loads of free drinks. And then we went to a club and pretended to be German tourists visiting from Stuttgart, saying, “Oh, we are liking Baltimore very much. You are having the very good clubs, ja?” Some guys bought us drinks, and maybe even fell for the story. Who knows? Who cares? We got the drinks and they had a good laugh.

Sabine has one on/off lover nine years her junior, who she says is an asshole but kind of fun. And she is also dating an older German businessman, Klaus, who moved here from Germany six months ago. He’s stinking rich and takes Sabine on holidays and buys her stuff, and is a fantastic lover, apparently. Still, he’s got a ton of baggage. Three kids in Germany and a mad ex-wife who doesn’t want him to see the kids because, he claims, she’s nuts.

Talk about the grass always being greener on the other side. You’d think she’d be happy with the party lifestyle and two lovers on tap. But no. She has baby cravings and is now talking about having a baby with Klaus, even though he’s had a vasectomy. I said, “You know what, that isn’t a problem, there’s a technique where you can insert a needle into the man’s balls and take the sperm out that way. I knew someone who got pregnant that way.”

“Really?” she said. “Although we probably won’t have to do that, because Klaus still has some sperm”.

“Where does he keep it?” I said, trying to imagine where one would store the stuff. In a suitcase on top of his wardrobe? Inside a thermos flask?

“Oh, it is in Germany. Before he got the vasectomy he had two litres of the stuff frozen.”

“Gosh,” I said. “Two litres. That’s quite a lot of sperm isn't it? I wonder how many goes that took?”