Never mind the energy generated by Global Orgasm Day, today you could hear the collective sighs of mothers, shuddering across America, as the children went back to school after the holidays.
As usual, I was a lone premature ejaculator.
Yesterday I had a strong feeling, maybe more of a belief, okay maybe more of a longing, that school had officially begun. So I stood there at eight thirty with Scarlett, waiting at the corner where the school bus picks up.
I suppose it did vaguely cross my mind that no other kids were waiting.
"What do they know?" I thought. "They are fools."
Turns out I was the fool. While the other moms and kids were still tucked up in bed, I was freezing my ass off for a phantom bus that never arrived. Oh well. Still, today I climaxed with ecstasy as I waved my dear daughter onto the bus.
My husband, John, who does research on brains which frequently requires him hanging out in morgues and getting brains out of heads and scanning them, has been eagerly awaiting the death of a seventy-two year old woman. The woman, who had signed her brain over to medical research, has an extremely rare brain disease, and John and his colleagues have been dying to get their hands on this rare brain and its diseased cerebellum.
So, yesterday morning he gets the call that the woman is dead, and his eyes light up with excitement.
The way he told it, there was mass hysteria in the morgue as he and his colleagues high fived each other with glee. I just hope to God there were no grieving relatives about to witness the spectacle.
It reminds me of that scene from Borat. Borat is in a hotel and the manager brings him up a telegram and reads it out to him.
Borat, looking morose, "You are telling me my wife is dead?"
"Yes sir, I'm afraid that is what it seems to say."
Borat grins. "My wife is dead. High five!"
He and the manager high five.
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