Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The perils of cyber-sex

Wow!! An exciting day for us all. The results for the Climax poll are in. I initially did this for a girlfriend who was worried that she was abnormal in that she finds oral sex a snooze and comes from intercourse like some sort of speeding bullet, I think in under a minute (wow, hats off to you girl!). Well, I'm afraid my questioning was a bit open to interpretation, but I think we can say no, dear Fast-Comer, you are no freak. In fact, most of you ladies orgasm through Intercourse (31.5%), Oral (29.6%), Anal (15.7%), Hand (13%) and Device (10.2%).

Now then, my weekend. I went to Manhattan with my husband, let us call him John. Now, we were all set to have a carefree, lovely time without the kids. We had an adorable apartment to stay in in a fab location. We had two bottles of champagne. The world was our oyster. The only problem with NYC was it was freezing. The sort of freezing where even in a terrible hat with ear flaps, gloves, tights, trousers, boots, fake fur coat, earmuffs and scarf you feel like your brain has frozen into an ice block.

So, what to do? When you have an empty apartment, have drunk two bottles of champagne, happen to be wearing lingerie (me), and happen to be fiddling round with a digital camera (him). It's obvious really, isn't it? Take dirty photographs.

"Ooh, yeah, that's it, show us a bit of skin," he said, playing the game. And soon I was doing XXXX and a bit of XXXX. Wow I feel so sexy, isn't this fun?

Then you get home at the end of the weekend and yes, some of the photos are quite good. But then the subterfuge starts. You have to hide them somewhere on your computer so that no one can find them. So that when my mum comes to visit she doesn't click on 'Your Pictures' and find her daughter in the altogether posted breast by jowl beside an innocuous shot of 'The Kids Feed the Donkeys at the Zoo.' The trouble was, naturally, that John consequently had to put the pictures somewhere on his server in cyber-space and I will probably never see them again.

Still, I had already caught the bug. Suddenly I could see why people send anonymous nude pictures to sites on the internet. You want to show yourself off. So thank God my husband has the pictures and I will have to beg him to even let me look at them. Because I have been known to do rather stupid things while drunk. Like email drunk. Phone drunk. Leave answer messages drunk: "I really really love you. What time is it in England? Four am. Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

And I have no doubt that I would send pornographic photographs drunk. You can never tell what a bit of nostalgia and half a bottle of tequila can do to a girl. You might feel like Googling an ex and sending them a picture of your luscious bod. And then, alas, you do.

Now in the old days, people just smashed cameras and pulled out reels of film if they wanted to get rid of this sort of stuff. They made great bonfires of photos or cut heads out of pictures. Not so in this day and age. God help anyone, who in a moment of drunkeness, idiocy, vanity or one too many joints, posts a picture of themselves up on the internet or sends it off to some intimate 'friend' they have never met in person.

Warning to all of you out there: Those erotic photos may come back to bite you in the butt. Once something goes up onto the net you can never get it back. It's kind of terrifying.

So I think my photos will be staying on a server somewhere in the stratosphere. And the moral of the story is, if you have a cyber-lover, think outside the box a bit, try writing her a poem, instead of sending her a bit of your penis.


Kevin Charnas said...

ATTA GIRL!!! I thought that looked like you on pornotube this morning. Nice angles, love... :)

I burned mine long ago... But, I do remember a particular freaky lover that taped me when I didn't know it...and I'm not certain that it was destroyed. So, I guess I won't be able to be the States' first openly gay president. Oh well...

Quick said...

Haha. Okay. Good advice. Out with the wang shots and in with erotic Haiku.

la fille mariƩe said...

Hear hear, Emma! Or at least, if you're going to post naked Emma pix, make sure that head and body aren't in same photo -- a little harder to identify the owner of the luscious bod that way.

Not that I've spent time thinking about this or anything. ;)

Kristin said...

I think the fact that you have your very own nudie bootie photos makes me love just a teeny bit more...

And I couldn't answer your poll because I needed to be able to click more than one option. ;-)

Kira said...

I have no naked photos ever taken of me, for an ex to scan and stick up on flickr, thankfully.
I do have one incriminating thing on the computer. i picture of me very very pregnant and nude. I looked and felt like a beached whale. And it will never see the light of day.

Freddy said...

poetry ?


oh emma, my emma
oh emma my muse
what words can i speak
what words can I use?

you tell us that somewhere
you have naked pics
but you'd rather have poetry
than images of pricks

but please spare some time
to think of the chaps
who'd give up an arm for
a glimpse of your baps

Neil said...

Happy belated birthday. And thanks for the info. I'm working on my poetry skills right now.

Dilnavaz said...

lol...I'll try to remember that!


EmmaK said...

kevin....oh goodness me, pornotube, so that's where that movie got to!

quick...it's better to be safe than sorry.

la fille...yeah, that's what I say. Like to me, your picture is in some ways more erotic than one of those let it all hang out shots.

kristin...ah yes, that poll, it limited people's options on the climax front...still I think we got some roughly accurate results.

kira..hide the pregnancy photo with your life. You know there are some oddballs who find the whole beached whale look very attractive.

freddy...what a great poem. Almost makes me want to send you a photos of my baps, but not quite.

neil...can't wait to read your poem

dilnavaz....this is very sound advice that everyone should follow, especially politicians.

Freddy said...

The prospect of seeing the boobs of Emma
Generated in me a substantial tremor
So, the effort put int to persuade her to flash
Is immense, for the results would be smash-

I took a lot of time
to come up with that rhyme
but try as hard as I may
I can't rhyme with Thursday

Nor with half-naked

But this is my last plea
Emma, 'Just one HNT?'
Be inspired by the image you see of 'la fille'
Crop it titght, just the cleavage would be brill-

No? Oh well, you know I gave it my best
All for the sake of a view of your breast (s)
But I didn't do it only for me
I did it for all those who love HNT

Freddy ~~ performance poet in waiting
(not giving up the day job)

Fussy Bitch said...

That sounds like a brilliant weekend. I suggest storing the pics on a usb hdd keyring thingy reserved specially for the purpose.

(Would you believe that I've just this minute thought of that idea?)

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Between this post and the comments...I just peed my pants. Literally.

I have to go change.

EmmaK said...

freddy...the poem is genius. Thank you. I'm going to think about maybe flashing you something, a glimpse of stocking maybe?

fussy bitch ...if I only knew what a usb hdd keyring was I would follow your instructions. I will ask my husband what the heck it is.

janet...happy to amuse you, my dear.

Moobs said...

P tells me that in a modern divorce whilst the wife is busy cutting the crotch out of his designer suits he is generally busy uploading her cheescake shots onto Flickr. THen they try to tape each other being unreasonable.

Freddy said...

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking
Now heaven knows.........
Anything goes

In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking,
But now God knows,
Anything goes!

Good bloggers too who once knew better words
Now only use four-letter words
Writing prose,
Anything goes!

If taking nude pics you like
If low bars you like
The Mae West look you like
Or me undressed you like
Why nobody will oppose.
When a trips to see friends and dress up is
Included in blogs highly compose.....d (poetic licence)
Anything goes!

EmmaK said...

moobs...thanks for enlightening me on the vindictive cheesecake uploading habits of the modern divorce case. I'm afraid, very afraid!!

freddy...interesting point...blogging is a very slippery slope. After the first step of posting a part of one's body, invariably the below the belt parts quickly follow. Maybe we do it merely in an attempt to be emotionally honest and er, expose our innermost bits.

Midnight Meandering said...

That is such good advice, but way too late for me! I dread to think what my former cyber lovers still have saved on their computers!

EuroTrippen said...

Some of the best art throughout history has been of the nude-to-scantily-clad variety.

I think it's great to have those shots so when you're feeling down on yourself you can pull them out and say "damn, I look goood!".

Cherrie said...

Everyone has their own comfort level with their own body and exposing it to others.

If you're not comfortable with showing yourself to anyone but John, don't! Be true to yourself.

If you're proud of how you look in lingerie, here's the perfect place to show off! I never thought I would enjoy posing nude and seeing myself in Blogland as much as I do. And the comments I get are uniformly fawning and ego-building.

Your problem may be that your avatar presumably shows your entire face, so pasting face and body together would be easy. Solution: start another blog, don't note any connection between that one and this one, and post over there!

EmmaK said...

cherrie...I am not at all modest and my shots look very sexy. I know the comments would be fawning and ego-building...but something about putting them up here makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't mind men masturbating over them either but, I dunno, this blog doesn't seem to be focused on sexuality like maybe yours is, it's more a humor blog...a new anonymous blog may be the answer!!