Wow!! An exciting day for us all. The results for the Climax poll are in. I initially did this for a girlfriend who was worried that she was abnormal in that she finds oral sex a snooze and comes from intercourse like some sort of speeding bullet, I think in under a minute (wow, hats off to you girl!). Well, I'm afraid my questioning was a bit open to interpretation, but I think we can say no, dear Fast-Comer, you are no freak. In fact, most of you ladies orgasm through Intercourse (31.5%), Oral (29.6%), Anal (15.7%), Hand (13%) and Device (10.2%).
Now then, my weekend. I went to Manhattan with my husband, let us call him John. Now, we were all set to have a carefree, lovely time without the kids. We had an adorable apartment to stay in in a fab location. We had two bottles of champagne. The world was our oyster. The only problem with NYC was it was freezing. The sort of freezing where even in a terrible hat with ear flaps, gloves, tights, trousers, boots, fake fur coat, earmuffs and scarf you feel like your brain has frozen into an ice block.
So, what to do? When you have an empty apartment, have drunk two bottles of champagne, happen to be wearing lingerie (me), and happen to be fiddling round with a digital camera (him). It's obvious really, isn't it? Take dirty photographs.
"Ooh, yeah, that's it, show us a bit of skin," he said, playing the game. And soon I was doing XXXX and a bit of XXXX. Wow I feel so sexy, isn't this fun?
Then you get home at the end of the weekend and yes, some of the photos are quite good. But then the subterfuge starts. You have to hide them somewhere on your computer so that no one can find them. So that when my mum comes to visit she doesn't click on 'Your Pictures' and find her daughter in the altogether posted breast by jowl beside an innocuous shot of 'The Kids Feed the Donkeys at the Zoo.' The trouble was, naturally, that John consequently had to put the pictures somewhere on his server in cyber-space and I will probably never see them again.
Still, I had already caught the bug. Suddenly I could see why people send anonymous nude pictures to sites on the internet. You want to show yourself off. So thank God my husband has the pictures and I will have to beg him to even let me look at them. Because I have been known to do rather stupid things while drunk. Like email drunk. Phone drunk. Leave answer messages drunk: "I really really love you. What time is it in England? Four am. Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you?"
And I have no doubt that I would send pornographic photographs drunk. You can never tell what a bit of nostalgia and half a bottle of tequila can do to a girl. You might feel like Googling an ex and sending them a picture of your luscious bod. And then, alas, you do.
Now in the old days, people just smashed cameras and pulled out reels of film if they wanted to get rid of this sort of stuff. They made great bonfires of photos or cut heads out of pictures. Not so in this day and age. God help anyone, who in a moment of drunkeness, idiocy, vanity or one too many joints, posts a picture of themselves up on the internet or sends it off to some intimate 'friend' they have never met in person.
Warning to all of you out there: Those erotic photos may come back to bite you in the butt. Once something goes up onto the net you can never get it back. It's kind of terrifying.
So I think my photos will be staying on a server somewhere in the stratosphere. And the moral of the story is, if you have a cyber-lover, think outside the box a bit, try writing her a poem, instead of sending her a bit of your penis.
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