The E-Spot

I am starting an advice column, The E-Spot, in which I will be answering all manner of emotional, relationship and sexual problems in a sympathetic yet direct manner. Email your problems to emma.theespot@gmail.com (please state if you wish to remain anonymous) and then, every Friday, I will put your world to rights. In fact, I have already received some mail, and will now demonstrate the kind of stellar advice you will be getting.

Am I a Lesbian?

Dear Emma,

I think I might be a lesbian for the following reason: Apart from having sex with them, I don't really like men. For a long time I thought the problem was that I didn't understand them, but finally, after fifteen years of dating them (I am 30), I realized that men are very simple organisms with three desires: sex, sleep and food. Sure, I've met some lovely guys who were nice, sensitive, interesting and had great taste in furnishings, but they were always gay.

Whereas women, where do I start? I feel so close to my friends. They are empathetic, emotional, supportive, sensitive, and have great taste in furnishings. Night after night I pray to God to make me gay and release me from a life of having to date men and listen to football scores. I have fondled girls in the past and it was hot, but I have never gone all the way with them. Women do come on to me fairly frequently, but in the end I always find I can't sleep with them because I don't find them attractive enough. Please help. Do you think I could be gay?

Wish I was Gay

Emma replies: Dear WIG



Firstly, look at the above clip. Do you feel any stirrings in your loins? You do. Good. Or maybe not so good. You see, Hollywood's depiction of lesbians has little relation to how lesbians look in real life. And the grim reality is, some devastatingly hot woman is probably not going to take your hand and lead you gently through her Sapphic garden. Sorry to disappoint, but if you really were a lesbian, your natural curiosity would have at this stage in your life, led you to several sexual encounters with women who were not necessarily pretty, but simply vehicles for your sexual exploration.

Please don't take this too badly. A life of heterosexuality isn't all doom and gloom. For example, men are quite good at putting up shelves, lifting heavy objects and sometimes even at sex. Yes I know this is going to be hard to take in at first, but WIG, I'm telling you the truth my dear, you are as straight as they come.

Emma

Okay, here's another one.

Office Affair Gone Bad

Dear Emma,

I am a 33 year old career woman, who has known this colleague for a few months (he lives in another city but is a fairly frequent visitor to my branch of the company). At first we were just friends and often hung out together, going out for drinks and movies. I knew he was married and had a son. Then one night, he was in town and invited me to stay the night with him in a hotel. I did stay the night with him, in fact I spent three nights with him and during this period I really fell for him. He claimed to feel the same for me.

After he returned back to his home town, I started to feel like he was acting weird towards me. He didn't call, text or email, and when I asked him what was wrong he said that nothing had changed, that he liked me, but that he had been too busy to contact me. That was three weeks ago.

I know he's avoiding me, or maybe he just feels bad about betraying and cheating on his wife. Now he refuses to talk to me. The problem is, I love him and it is hard to let him go and move on. And now I have lost our friendship on top of everything. Do you think I should call his wife up and tell her how her husband cheated on her with me, (I have their home phone number and some romantic photos). So far my friends have stopped me from doing that.

What should I do?

Had an Affair with a Married Man who turned out to be a Total Arsehole

Emma replies: Dear HAMMTOBATA,

It is tempting to tell you to move on. To realize that yes, you were an absolute idiot to get involved with this prick. But you know that, so I won't rub salt in that wound. I could, but will it stop you mooning around and bursting into tears every time he arrives at the office? I think not.

Now, I don't think there's any reason to involve his wife in this either. She probably knows what a tool he is and doesn't need reminding. What you really need to do, if you want to achieve closure, is to totally humiliate him.

Your ammunition: the romantic photos. Now, let's not be coy here, I hope to God you're talking about sex photos. Now, if these loving snaps of your three nights together feature anything good like:

1. the fact that he has a small penis
2. evidence that he wore a leopard print thong
3. one evening after downing the contents of the mini bar he let you put make up on him

then the photos you hold in your hand are gold, my friend.

You do not say if this Married Bastard is in a position of power in your company. If so, and he can help you up the greasy pole (not his greasy pole, I am referring to the career pole), then by all means start with a softly softly approach. Show him the photos and threaten to send them to his wife if he doesn't secure you a promotion and a hefty pay rise.

If, at this point, he laughs in your face, he must face the consequences of having the photos sent via email to every branch of your company (send this from an anonymous email address so that you don't incriminate yourself in this sordid scandal, but make sure to put his name clearly in the header in case his face is distorted in the pictures).

Oh and one more bit of advice: don't have affairs with married men you work with. Ever. Got that?

Emma

Do you think I gave WIG and HAMMTOBATA the correct advice? If you are distressed and need some thorny little dilemma sorted out, send your problem to emma.theespot at gmail.com and I will do my best to soothe your fevered brow.