It's a bit of a mystery why so many women - myself included - project romantic fantasies onto men, and then complain when reality bites them in the butt. Case in point, my friend Sabine, who, at thirty-four, is probably old enough to know better. Just a few weeks ago she was gushing about Klaus, her forty-two year old boyfriend, how, "We are so in love, and you know how badly I want a baby... well, Klaus has had a vasectomy (he has three kids back in Germany), but ....guess what! He has two litres of frozen sperm in Germany, and says he definitely wants to have a baby with me. So all we'll have to do is fly to Germany, defrost some sperm, and voila, I will be knocked up. Doesn't he sound wonderful? Plus he has so much money..."Well, I did feel a little dubious about that sperm story, but kept my mouth shut for once. And then, yesterday, she phones to say that the bubble has burst with Klaus. They haven't exactly split up yet, because he is currently away on business in Hong Kong, but they did have a phone conversation along the lines of:
Sabine: "I was thinking about your frozen sperm the other day. Maybe we could go defrost some when you get back?"
Klaus, laughing hysterically: "You didn't actually believe that I had some frozen sperm, did you?"
Sabine: "Of course I did. I've told everyone about it."
Klaus: "Oh Sabine! I thought you knew that was just a joke."
I suppose you're wondering why she didn't dump him for leading her on and indulging her baby fantasies? Well, that's the million dollar question, or rather, the thirty thousand dollar question. Well, you see, when he first moved to Baltimore a year ago, for some reason he didn't have a work visa and couldn't get a driver's license, so bought this fabulous Jeep in her name (paying for the whole thing outright), and whenever he is out of town, she drives it about and drives us about to clubs etc. (So thanks for that Klaus, it's a very nice car and gets us about in style). Right now he is in Hong Kong and she has the car and I don't think she wants to give it up, because her car is bust.
Which brings me to my point. Why did Klaus lie to her? Men, eh, all they want is sex. Okay, but why couldn't he have been honest and said, "I see you as a convenient screw until something better comes along," instead of indulging her baby fantasies with some half baked lie about frozen sperm?
Should one just assume that everything men say is bullshit? I just thank God I'm no longer on the dating scene.
Still, maybe Sabine will have the last laugh. Not that the frozen sperm lie is worth thirty thousand dollars worth of revenge, but if I were Sabine, maybe I'd just drive off with that car as a little parting gift.
Women, eh, all they want is a man's money, and, of course, his biological material.
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"I froze my sperm. It's in Germany waiting."
I'm not sure that would constitute a lie in my world because I would assume he was joking.
anon dirty...good point, but you are smart. You are also not a woman.
someone once sang "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money"..............
Hmm. You froze your sperm then had a vasectomy?
Yeah, right.
(But then I'm a cynical bitch and believe nothing if it comes from the mouth of a man. I don't even believe their tongues are real)
Sure, that was miserable of him, especially as he know how much she wants a baby but, still, she's going to stay with him for the car?
Why doesn't she want to get another boyfriend who might want to have children? Clock's a freakin' ticking as all we women in our 30s know. She hasn't got time to hang around someone just for a car.
Well if she needs a sperm donor, mine is room temperature and in plentiful supply ;-)
freddy...very true about a lot of women (not all!!)
fussy bitch...I thought it didn't make sense when she first told me!
sam...actually she already has a new boyfriend, but still has use of Klaus's car, she's very resourceful.
midnight...I'll let her know ;)
Oh, ouch. That's so mean of him. But frozen sperm? She believed him?
I may be about reveal something about my own inadequacies here but didn't the suggestion that he had TWO LITRES of frozen jism to hand strike her as a little unlikely?
Are we sure this isn't one of those German sense of humour things?
"Okay, but why couldn't he have been honest and said, "I see you as a convenient screw until something better comes along," "
I am not exactly Casanova but I have a hard time believing that that would be an effective chat up line for a serial seducer. By all means tell me if it works and I will pass it on at the next Bastards Lodge meeting.
She should get him all fired up in the car next time he is here, and collect his spermies from there... best of both worlds. ew, didnt think this thru, forget the medical science, imagine the smell in the car for ages afterwards. ok, scrap that, she should get a pet.
dirty filthy princess...I suppose that we believe what we want to believe. And if women weren't this obsessive about procreating the human race would have died out by now.
moobs...yes when she told me about the two litres I was trying to figure out how many goes that would take and some mathemetician on my last blog entry about this figured out it would take 200 goes to get this amount of spunk on ice. At that point I thought that Klaus was probably having a laugh, but what did I know, maybe he has unfeasibly large testicles?
You are right, the "You're just a convenient screw" probably would have gone down like two litres of frozen sperm...but what's even more amazing is that saying that he had all that frozen sperm proved to be a huge come on.
joie de vivre...she can't do anything with his spermies, he's had a vasectomy!
You're in luck! Klaus is in Hong Kong, right? I happen to have seven pints of sperm sitting in my freezer right now.
Tell him to drop me a line and I could sort him out with a thermos load or two.
defrost some sperm, and voila,
honestly read this as defrost some sperm and vodka..
after I got done reeling.. I thought about a novel idea for a concept bar...
lambent...I knew it, behind the brusque exterior lurks a deeply caring heart. What a wonderful idea. I have thought of one potential problem though. Klaus has a thermos full of your sperm in his hand luggage and is flying back to the US. You know how anal they are at security these days, they ask him, is this toxic material with the potential to blow up a plane? To which Klaus replies, "No, it is Lambent's sperm." After the security guards stop laughing they say, "In that case, sir, would you mind drinking the specimen to prove that this is not a lethal explosive cocktail?" At which point Klaus abandons the mission and the sperm, after all he is no Marc Bolan.
kimba..good idea for a concept bar, but use a nice peach flavored vodka to offset the salty taste of the sperm.
What a horrible shit that guy is 'joking' like that... its borderline lie/joke... because typically when ones 'joking' they have a certain tone, or often end off with, "just joking/kidding!!!"
I'd kick him in his nuts just to make sure that his vasectomy was solid.
I'm not the type to get mad, I get even :)
ice...that's kind of how I feel about it. Okay so Sabine was naive and gullible but he mentioned the frozen sperm more than once. I don't know if I'd go so far as to kick him in the nuts though!
to my understand... some guys are into that, LOL!!!
Gaaaawd.
*understanding...ffs
Poor woman. So hard to be cynical when you're in lurve.
She should probably do something really nasty to the car when she's done using it. Wouldn't help anything, but might make her feel better.
I don't think poor old Klaus was at fault here. Freezing sperm, to him, would have seemed a weird thing to do. He's European after all. We don't fuss and moan and go in for chryogenics that much, it's just fucking odd.
Americans do anything and everything; to them it's normal. They all have frozen sperm hidden away somewhere. I read somewhere that in the event of a global catastrophe, the entire human race could be recreated by the sperm stored solely in the Boston area. Within 3 years. And that was only private storage, i.e. in someone's own freezer.
Fucking weird I tell ya.
la fille...I think she's just never going to end the relationship so she can keep having use of the car. She's got her head screwed on in that respect, at least.
lambent...stop messing about. No one, not even an American, freezes their sperm in their freezer. What would happen if you put it in an ice cube tray and then one time when you were drunk, put some spunk into a vodka and oranage, eh?
Anyway, I think you and Klaus are birds of a feather and would get on like a house on fire. Although you are a bit of a man of the world, no? You wouldn't buy a car in some girl's name and think you would ever see it again, now would you?
Oh god. They freeze it in other people's freezers?
That's grim.
Your friend must have thought Klaus was quite a dedicated man to have two litres of frozen sperm stowed away. The average ejaculation produces about 10cc of sperm (famously, hence the name of the band 10cc) so if Klaus had 2000cc in a freezer he would have had to collect the proceeds from 200 wanks.
If she had believed that, she should have gotten out of the relationship right away.
As for being frank about the short-term nature of a relationship, it simply doesn't work. In my experience, women are just as affronted at being told they are a short-term concern at the beginning of a relationship as they are at the end. The only differences are: a) you don't get any nookie, and b) you don't get a chance to turn it into a long-term relationship if you realise you were mistaken initially.
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