Monday, March 12, 2007

Real Moms have saggy tits

That horny bitch Rachael tagged me to do Kristen's Real Mom's meme in which I am meant to reveal some deep, dark truth about moms. Well, I can't think of any. Everyone knows that most moms have saggy tits, don't they? But if you didn't, here's why they do.

Yeah, yeah, we all know that if you don't breastfeed your babies for one year you will roast on a spit in hell until the end of time. We all know it's good for their immunity and we can all pat ourselves on the back when we have done the time. And quite frankly, I really liked breastfeeding. Especially at night, you just stick a nipple in the tiddler's mouth and fall asleep. It's the lazy mom's dream.

There's just one incey wincey drawback to nursing, and that's saggy tits. While you're doing it your tits look like this:


And after you've finished breastfeeding, and all the milk has dried up, your tits look like oranges in a sock. By the way, I know you all think I'm crazy to want implants and breasts that actually stand to attention, and I am, because I don't want artificial looking ones. But I just heard about a really interesting development in Japan where they grow breasts naturally for you from your own stem cells. Maybe I'll try that.

Although, actually I think I look pretty good for thirty six (what do you think?):


And if you do want to email me for sex, please make sure you have the goods and can deliver. No time wasters please.

Okay, and now I'm going to tag:meva, fussybitch, janet and crankymommy.

Here's how it works: Put up a post "Real Moms [insert what you do here]", followed by an explanation and a picture. Then tag five people.

28 comments:

My Favourite Life said...

My wife is a real mom. She breastfed our child for three years, and you know what? No saggy breasts. My first wife breast fed each of two children, and she got the saggy boobs. And they weren't like oranges in a sack either. They were more like pancakes. She went from a B-C cup to an A in the process, though she had temporarily been a C-D when she was feeding. She was very obsessed with her breast size, so the drop to an A did not suit her very well. In the end, what your breasts end up looking like amounts to more than just the effects of breastfeeding; just don't ask me what.

Fussy Bitch said...

Much as I laughed I will take issue with the saggy tits thing. I've fed two out of three of my kids a decade ago and my tits are fabulus, so there :-P

Having said that, laughing at your pictures has inspired my answer to your tag...

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I'm working on it...You sexy thing you.

I love that picture...When did you take that and who was the photograper? I want him to do me.

Moobs said...

Seville or mandarins?

Jerri Ann said...

LMFAO that is freakin' hilarious. I personally would like no boobs, not sagging ones of course but not Dolly ones either. I'd like to have the kind I had when I was 12...make that 10, puberty hit me early. As a matter of fact, I didn't even wear a bra in college when I was involved in athletics...I'll take those boobs anyday!

I'm writing a blog about reality tv and celebrites, come see and let me know you've been there, give me your take on my top 12..www.lifeinreality.com

la fille mariƩe said...

Yeah... I think the saggy tits thing is more to do with genetics and overall size, and of course age, than breastfeeding. On the other hand, pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding all do a number on size changes (not just of breasts)... so let me tell you about real moms and stretchmarks. ;)

Kira said...

oh wow... i am going to have to think about that a while... i'm not feeling particularly deep but a little bit dark, and i'm all for truth, but i have a headache :)

Oh, The Joys said...

Yes, the titties are RUINED now. It's all about support.

Pomgirl said...

You're a stunner ;)

Dirty Filthy Princess said...

I so want to meet the woman in that photo! She has to be quite a lady to go for that at her age!!

Um, no, that's supposed to be you, right. I ruined the joke. I mean, I want to meet you, you sexy thing you.

jennie said...

Man are you right. I'd really like to describe my post-nursing breasts in some way other than "long".

Tickersoid said...

And if you do want to email me for sex, please make sure you have the goods and can deliver. No time wasters please.

That's me out then.

Lambent said...

FB - It doesn't matter what your tits look like if you're fat....

Freddy said...

Two great things about the breasts that you describe here...

1. They look great from underneath (if you take my meaning...)
2. It can be fun playing 'hunt the nipple' when the lady lays on her back and gravity takes over.
3. I love her whatever the shape of her breasts
4. Plastic surgery must surely include the risk of desensitizing the nipples? That is a HUGE risk
5. Who says they're saggy anyway! I bet he's got flabby thighs and a belly that wobbles
6. sorry I only meant to have two points here

Kerry said...

When I go bra shopping I tell the woman that I'm a 36 long.

EmmaK said...

my favourite life...pancakes, sounds unfortunate. Mine aren't actually that bad, I was just exaggerating !!

fussy bitch...I bet you have great tits...you lucky bitch!

janet...This was one of the spreads I did for Vogue back in the winter. Glad you like it.

moobs...orange squash ;)

jerri ann...we are all complainers, some have ones that are too big, some too saggy. We should just be pleased to have any at all, i reckon.

la fille...you are right that it is partly to do with genetics. My mom's tits are not saggy and she breastfed, but maybe that is because she only breastfed one kid, who knows.

kira...take an advil, lie down in a darkened room. Thinking of you.

oh the joys....glad to know there are other ruins out there.

pomgirl...ta very much. I can still pull the young fellas you know.

dirty filthy princess....Glad you like the way I look. I've very comfortable in my (wrinkly) skin.

jennie....my sympathies ;)

tickersoid...huh? i thought you were good at oral?

lambent...what's your body like then? Be honest now. Got nice abs?

freddy...I was only messing. My tits really are nice, only just a little bit less firm than before having kids. The nipples don't end up under my armpits when I lie down. But I appreciate that you love all sorts of tits. Plastic surgery I think only desensitizes the nipples when you have the reduction (they remove them and sew them back on - yikes).

kerry....i find that an underwired bra works wonders.

Dilnavaz said...

I'm not a mom yet but am mortified that because I recently lost weight, mine will end up looking like the old lady in the picture!

Tom Paine said...

It seems there's no rule of thumb on this, though I certainly would volunteer to examine anyone who's worried hers are sagging too much....

mad muthas said...

i think anyone who's posted to say her's didn't collapse after breastfeeding should provide photographic evidence ... just like emma did

Fussy Bitch said...

Oh but I have done mad muthas, did you miss the 24 hour pic of my fabulus boobs? :)

Lambent said...

Can we see the pic again, FB?

Emma, I don't have great abs. I am in proportion.

Apart from my knob of course, which is enormous.

Antonia said...

Arrrrghh! My EYES!

I read this post yesterday. I've just woken up today and that saggy old woman was in my dream! but she wasn't hiding anything! and she had a fanny like a neighing horse!

I need to go and wash my brain.

Lisa said...

This was a great post. Love how you illustrated with photos.

marybeth said...

you are the shit! so funny. i love a mama who likes to talk dirty and get pissed. anyway, i breastfed my first girl long after i had my second one and breastfed her as well. people called me crazy, and i am. but regardless the second girl is still sucking away at 20 months and i am hoping she stops soon. regardless my tits are utterly fabulous right now and i think i may breastfeed forever because the last thing i want are two freaking pancakes hanging from my chest!

just remember, mamas are sexy because if it weren't for us the whole world would starve to death.

check out my view on mamahood; misplacedmama.blogsome.com

kranki said...

That actress is in the movie shallow Hal in case you all needed more of her in your life. Personally my mind's eye is burning. There should be a disclaimer before one just posts those things. STRONG ANTISEXUAL CONTENT.

raymond45 said...

When my sister was pregnant for the first time she had no boobs whatsoever, like a four yr olds and her boyfriend noticed and booked her up for breast implants. They had to lie to the plastic sergeon to have them. Her boyfriend was so obsessed with sex with her that he didnt realise she was ill and she died.

my message out there to all mums and mums to be is dont listen to anyone else except yourself! Do what is right for you!

anastacia said...

hahaha! the lady in the picture is terrible! poor! Breast eventually fall, but that depends on the care that women have! so it is better to use viagra prescription and everything will be fine!

FetishMeUp said...

It is but natural to have a sagging breast. It might have also been that there is no proper care.