Monday, April 30, 2007

The E-Spot: Is She Frigid?

The E-Spot is a column where I give the lovelorn advice. Today, get your tissues out for a lovely guy with a sad dilemma.

By the way, this is a made up letter, a spoof as it were, although I did get one in a similar vein the other day. What I want to know is what would you reply if you got a letter like this and you were a renowned agony aunt like myself?

Dear Emma,

I have been going out with a lovely girl for nearly six months now. She is an awesome cook, has a knockout figure and also gives great head. So what's the problem, Emma? Well, I am not all that selfish and I want to give her an orgasm but whatever I try she just stares at the ceiling. All I am doing is the stuff they do in porn films. I cum on her tits and she does not even get excited. I have done her anally a lot but she just says it is boring. I do not know what to do. In these films those girls just get so excited sucking on a penis but my girlfriend does not seem to get off on it, and seems to be doing it just to please me. What should I do? Should I dump her?

Porn Aficionado


Dear Porn Aficionado,

If only all men were as thoughtful and considerate as you. She does sound like a bit of a hopeless case, but fear not, brainwashing is always an option. Just play her the video below a couple of dozen times a day, and I think that eventually these facts about what sex is really about will penetrate her skull. But if in the end she doesn't show any enthusiasm for your perfectly formed member, then by all means give her the old heave ho.

Best of luck,
Emma


Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

And for the rest of you out there, feel free to give Porn Aficionado more advice about how to coax his lady love out of her frigid state. Also, do please send your problems to emma.theespot@gmail.com and I promise to sort you out (let me know if you want your identity kept confidential).

13 comments:

The Zero Boss said...

Too bad Porn Aficianado didn't get a hold of Asia Carrera before she "found" her husband's life insurance policy. She was pretty hard up for money for a while there, and PA sounds like he might have been right up her alley.

A Liquid Blue said...

maybe she doesn't like the specific things he's tried! i know plenty of women who wouldn't be excited by what he's described. he hasn't once mentioned actually talking with her about this... maybe he could give that a shot and see where it goes?

Freddy said...

Maybe he should date a porn starlet?

Emma said...

the zero boss....I'll give PA Carrera's phone number

a liquid blue....let me stop you right there.....this is a spoof letter okay?

freddy....good tip

Troika said...

I think he should carry on doing her in the arse and coming on her tits.

Whatever.

Dirty Filthy Princess said...

This was hilarious. I loved the video too. I just wrote about real sex vs porn at my site.

Manuel said...

Yeah those porn people need to work on the realism. I've taken Little Miss Manuel to a barn many many times and her clothes have never came off. She has never got it on with her friends at the gym, she has never begged me to stuff a broom shaft in her precious place, and not once i swear has she asked me to rub beans and chocolate on her boobies. I used to think it was me....

Freddy said...

manuel - don't wait to be asked for the chocolate on the boobies, take advice from Nike - "Just do it!"

Pilar said...

Sounds to me like he wants her to get excited about pleasuring HIM, but he's not too worried about finding out what REALLY works for HER.

Angela-la-la said...

Maybe she needs a little more air?

Tom Paine said...

I think porn isn't SUPPOSED to be realistic, but I wouldn't know.

In any case, this one was funny.

Emma said...

dirty filthy princess...your post on your blog said it all so well.

manuel...sorry you haven't had much luck so far. What you need to do is become a window cleaner, I can assure you that one glance at your frothy rag rubbing against the glass and every horny housewife will immediately drop her drawers and invite you to enter her. Good luck!

pilar...it was just a joke post kind of trying to highlight the fact that real sex is not like porn (stating the obvious I suppose but trying to be funny about it!)

angela....she would probably be better off sucking on a helium balloon, then at least she could get a laugh out of hearing her squeaky voice, even if her partner is boring her to tears in the sack.

tom paine...i know porn isn't supposed to be realistic but I think the younger generation learns more about sex from internet porn than we did, and what they learn from is so unrealistic that i wonder if it is more harmful in giving them unrealistic expectations of how quickly women orgasm etc, than educational.

Tom Paine said...

I used this in a post today, but thanked you and linked back.