It's easy to get all hot under the collar about the inequality between the sexes, isn't it? I know how you feel and I feel exactly the same. Don't you think I hate the way there isn't enough sexual objectification of men about? Sure, we'd all like to see commercials where men rollerblade in white microshorts, talking about how since they started using Tampax they feel so free. And yes, of course we'd all love to see more men lying in bubble baths sucking on Flake chocolate bars. But equality doesn't happen overnight. You need to plug at it, making it normal for women to stare at men's crotches in bars and and rub themselves against them moaning, "Anyone ever tell you you have a lovely pair of nuts?"
One day this kind of equality will be attainable, but for now, it's still just a dream for us ladies. So, starting today, I'm going to try to redress the balance with some photos of naked French studs who are featured in a rugby calendar, if you're still scratching your head, wondering what to get your mum for Mother's Day.
I've had quite a few fantasies about these hunks already this morning. But the fantasies haven't been going too well, and reality keeps biting me in the arse:
Fantasy 1: Menage a trois
Me: Okay now, this is what I'm thinking. How about you two being two halves of the baguette, me being the jambon in the middle? Does that appeal?
Jacques: But I am Jewish, I do not eat ze pork.
Me: Okay, I'll be the flipping beef, what's the difference?
Jean-Marc: I am ze vegetarian. I do not eat ze meat.
Me: Okay, wrong analogy. Why don't we stop talking about sandwich fillings and get busy? (starts laughing hysterically) Next you'll be telling me you're gay!
Jean-Marc & Jacques: We are.
Me: Oh *&%$!
Fantasy 2: Where'd the soap go?
Me: So you're rugby players? Yes, I am very interested in rugby as it happens. How about I pop in the shower with you and soap you up while we talk? One thing that's always puzzled me is the Offside Rule. What is that? Oh, that's football is it? All right, don't blow a fuse, I was only asking. Does that feel nice, all those warm soapy bubbles I'm rubbing into your....What do you mean have I actually ever watched a rugby game? 'Course I have. Well no, not all the way through. I did watch five minutes of one once on the telly while I was trying to get to sleep. Worked a treat. Hey, who switched on the cold tap? Where are you going. Oh *&%$!
Fantasy 3: Nice Pole
Me: Nice pole you have there.
French lad: rolls eyes and walks off.
Me: Oh *%$#!
Ah bugger it, maybe you ladies will have better luck with your fantasies over these saucy frogs...go check out the calendar. I think you'll agree they are very nice lads. Yes, very very nice.
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