Thursday, April 12, 2007

Twenty Germans in a Jacuzzi

I have always basically kept my faith in human nature, despite numerous encounters with lecherous men. I refuse to believe that all men are wolves in sheep's clothing. But maybe it is time I changed my attitude.

I get this naive attitude from my mother. When I was a child and we lived in London, my mother put a card up in the newsagents advertising for 'German Lessons,' and was surprised when she had many men phoning up wanting not so much to learn about der, die, das, as about Geschlechtsverkehr (German for sexual intercourse, literal translation 'genital traffic') ie. they thought she was a prostitute. This came about from the long held tradition in England (don't think it goes on any more), of prostitutes advertising their services in code. I know Greek lessons is anal and French lessons is fellatio, but I'm buggered if I can remember what German lessons is a euphemism for (answers on a postcard). In any case, she got very irate and I kept hearing her shouting down the phone, "This is not for sex lessons. I am teaching the German!"

In the end she did get some clients, all male, all who fell in love with her, and all who were using the German lessons as a way to woo her. She had a hell of a time getting rid of them when they became too amorous. She even found it difficult to get rid of them at the end of the hour, and so I had to dress up as a grown up (I was ten or so) in high heeled shoes and a hat, go outside, ring the bell to our flat and pretend I was the next person coming for a lesson.

Anyway, my mother is too nice to men and I think I am too. I definitely don't fall into the sycophancy camp. I don't worship men or think they are great, I just don't immediately think every man is only out for one thing, when frankly, they usually are.

Here is my dilemma. I hang out with this group of about twenty Germans. We ostensibly meet in a pub every week or so to 'practice our German' but obviously it is just an excuse to get hammered. Whoever said Germans were boring has never met this bunch. So anyway, there is this one middle aged guy, let's call him Richard, who is a bit of a pain, the kind of person who is always trying to touch you, but it is not quite in a sexual way, so you can't tell him to knock it off.

Anyhow he is having all the Germans round to his place on Friday. Apparently we are all going to make sushi. I don't know if Sushi lessons is a euphemism for something (answers on a postcard), but I am going to assume that we really will just be doing things with rice and fish. That isn't the issue. The issue is getting there. He lives about half an hour away from my house by freeway. Now, nobody laugh but in three years of driving I have never been on the freeway and I'm not going to start this Friday. I have an Austrian friend, Myriam, who is even less Americanized. She has lived in Baltimore for two years and does not even have an American license. But she has offered to drive me to this get together (she has an International driver's license).

Now, firstly, I don't hold much hope of Myriam getting us there, considering she has never driven on a US road, but apparently she is a world traveller and has driven in South Africa and God knows where, so that is okay. But I don't know her all that well. All I know is that she is one of those gorgeous women who has wasted her life dating losers and alcoholics in the hope that she could save them. The upside of this is that she is a teetotaller, because her last boyfriend was an alcoholic and to make him stop drinking she decided she would too (result: he is still an alkie, she only drinks cranberry juice). She's one of those women like in porn films, the sexy repressed secretary who always wears no makeup and has her hair scraped back from her face, but has this hot little body, and if I was a guy I would be dying to awaken her latent libido. And here's the thing:

Richard said to me and Myriam, "Oh do bring your swimsuits, we will all be going in the Jacuzzi." And now, you tell me, how am I going to avoid the hands of various lecherous Germans in the Jacuzzi when we are all crammed in together, especially after a bottle or two of Jaegermeister? And what if Myriam decides to have a few drinks, and do one of those secretary to nympho transformations from a porno film? They say 'It's always the quiet ones,' and it usually is. Like that line from that Leonard Cohen song:

and Bethlehem inflamed us both
like the shy one at some orgy.

Because Richard also said, "Oh don't worry about getting drunk. There are plenty of beds at the house for you to stay the night in."

And while I would like to think he is just being incredibly friendly and offering us a place to stay, the fact is that we are some of the most desirable chicks in the group, simply because a lot of the other women are in couples (I mean I know I am married but I don't go to these meet ups with my husband so I think they think I am easy game). I just get kind of a funny feeling about all this. I have been in a few situations where you stay over at a guy's house and he 'pretends' to have got lost (in his own house) on the way to the bathroom, and he tries to get into bed with you and says, "Sorry, my mistake." Etc. etc.

I just don't have a good feeling about this. I mean, I am sure it will be a right Roman orgy all right, just, do I want to be in the middle of it with no way of escaping because I'm too chicken to drive on the flipping freeway?

All answers gratefully received.


Pog said...

Nothing else for it - you're going to have to learn to drive on the freeway ...

Midnight said...

I think only you can decide if it seems a safe option, but does the middle aged man look like he watches RTL late at night and does he wear speedos? I always think that's a good indicator of a German male persona.

However I would hazard a guess that the men won't be wearing speedos in the jacuzzi after downing Jaegermeister. So watch you don't tread on any bratwursts or there could be a few sauer krauts.

Peach said...

Ha ha LOVED this post - My ex-housemate/ex-lover (not the one I call X who is an on off proper long time adoration) was a German called Richard... it's true about the sense of humour, it's not missing exactly, just different and hilarious.... I would go and ask your hubby to pick you up if it gets too steamy, but blog it won't you?? Bet it's a wicked and mental night....

Jonathan said...

If you have a bad feeling about going, then don't go. I know it may not be that simple.

Quoting Leonard Cohen, now that is just cool.

nef said...

very simple. don't go.

or, bring your husband.

meva said...

If you go, you MUST have an escape route.

Going with the repressed librarian might not be a good idea if she suddenly wants to throw caution and her glasses to the wind, untie her bun and start heaving ample cleavage all over the place.

Why not practice driving on the freeway with your husband first?

It would be a shame for us if you don't go, because it sound like it will be great blog fodder.

dirty thirties said...

On the one hand, I've got to say "Go". I mean, its got all the potential for a classic posting (a sort of jacuzzised Fawlty Towers).

There again, as a bloke, I can guess very well what his little brain is thinking of..

Perhaps ask your mother for some useful German phrases to stop him in his tracks?

kiki said...

you're tough. you can survive the groping. i can imagine you becoming all aggressive, showering him with threats.

and i think that would scare / intimidate him

or, you could just make sure she doesn't drink

kiki said...

i think peach has the best solution

Gorilla Bananas said...

Isn't this just a matter of drawing clear boundaries, Emma? Wear white panties with a red cross on both sides and the words 'no touching' written on them. I assume a liberated woman such as yourself could put up with having her boobs fondled.

Fussy Bitch said...

Go, tell everyone you have awful athletes foot, stay out of the jacuzzi and drink all the beer while they're having their gropefest!

10 respect points for the Cohen lyrics :)

EmmaK said...

pog...Yeah, I think I'm going to have to take the bull by the horns.

midnight...Oh I'm sure there will be lots of good humored groping, I can cope with that. God, I'm not uptight. It's more I know that when I get drunk I tend to make a total ass of myself. And if one of the sauer krauts did really get up my nose I'd probably really lay into him (verbally) and that would be kind of embarassing when the group met up again.

peach...I have got a feeling I will not be participating in this wicked and mental night...although who knows

jonathan...I don't really have a bad feeling about it apart from having to stay the night at Richard's house. But all in all I am beginning to realize I cannot get rat arsed and then get up and look after the kids the next day, it is a sad lesson in maturity. are so sensible. I should bring my husband but I don't think I could get a babysitter at such short notice.

meva...I know, I have prick teased you all with this evening of potential debauchery and now it looks like I will not be going....what a tart I am

dirty one minds being groped if the guy is hot, but this one is not.

kiki..ha are right if this guy did grope me I would probably get aggressive....because i do when I am drunk. There are also a lot of potential problems with this party. Believe it or not there is one guy in this group who is actually really hot, an American who speaks German and I would probably end up doing something unspeakable to him in the Jacuzzi and regretting it the next day (if I know myself)...I reckon I'm gonna have to give it a miss

gorilla I say, no one minds a bit of fondling if the man is attractive, but if he isn't it just makes me want to heave. I was thinking maybe of wrapping myself in clingfilm to prevent any germs or body fluids from penetrating my person.

fussy bitch...better yet! I could say I have herpes!

tkkerouac said...

Just tell them you are feeling gassy!

I use to hate driving on the freeway too, but you get use to it with practice, ox

Freddy said...

why wouldn't you go?

damnit woman - the potential for humour is immense

you HAVE to go

and you HAVE to blog it

can you take a camera too?

EmmaK said...

tkkerouac...ha ha, yeah or I could tell them I have the runs, then they wouldn't want me in the jacuzzi however sexy I looked.

freddy...that's a dare that I want to take up, I just don't feel up to it tonight. I simply don't feel up to playing hide the knackwurst with a bunch of lecherous krauts ;)

Just a toy said...

You're very good. I wish I could write like that.

tkkerouac said...

Should I do Cockblog Wed Emma?

Freddy said...

Just a toy said...

You're very good. I wish I could write like that.

isn't she though

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

Try shouting "Hände hoch!" next time Graf von Grope gets too touchy-feely. I have the opposite problem with my German, er ist zu korrekt, perhaps I will try the sushi and jacuzzi trick.

"More than anything I love to get pissed", it says on your profile. Spoken like a true London gel after me own 'eart. I can't imagine that goes down too well in the US and A. Thankfully alcoholism is still semi compulsory here in Belgium.

I loved the description of your mum giving German lessons, it was straight out of "Cabaret".

Here's to divine decadence.

Dirty Filthy Princess said...

I agree with the escape route idea. If I went, I would make sure to have a cell phone and a backup plan. Can hubby come pick you up if it's too bad? And, if he's touching and making you uncomfortable, it's OK to draw the line, even if it is not sexual. Some people just don't know where to stop and you have the right to say so.

jo said...

There's a simple!

VI said...

Jaegermeister - There's a reason not to go in the first place. ;P

Molly said...

My boss told us that he was having a jacuzzi installed and we should all come around to which I blurted out "no thank you!" and he turned slightly red as he realized he had invited his employees to jump semi naked into a bubbly pool with him and his wife.

I think jacuzzi's are a funny thing, something you should do with your husband or boyfriend, but not with a whole bunch of drunken friends, one of which might be a bit on the randy side!

Troika said...

You hang out with 20 Germans on a weekly basis?

I must make a note in my diary for that one.

EmmaK said...

just a toy...thanks for the compliment. Your blog is very intriguing!

daphne...thanks for popping by. I have just been on your blog and poached some of the boys you had in their birthday suits from over there, hope you don't mind.

dirty filthy princess....I know what you mean, but usually if you tell them to stop touching your arm or whatever they act like you're all uptight, so I think I will give this one a miss. would be a simple solution but it's way too expensive.

vi...good point. Not to mention they would be drinking Sake first. And mixed with Jaegermeister there could be a bit of vomit in the jacuzzi later on. are absolutely right. I think I'm giving the whole Jacuzzi thing a miss. are welcome to join us in the Jacuzzi any time. Just keep your hands where we can see them.