I have always basically kept my faith in human nature, despite numerous encounters with lecherous men. I refuse to believe that all men are wolves in sheep's clothing. But maybe it is time I changed my attitude.
I get this naive attitude from my mother. When I was a child and we lived in London, my mother put a card up in the newsagents advertising for 'German Lessons,' and was surprised when she had many men phoning up wanting not so much to learn about der, die, das, as about Geschlechtsverkehr (German for sexual intercourse, literal translation 'genital traffic') ie. they thought she was a prostitute. This came about from the long held tradition in England (don't think it goes on any more), of prostitutes advertising their services in code. I know Greek lessons is anal and French lessons is fellatio, but I'm buggered if I can remember what German lessons is a euphemism for (answers on a postcard). In any case, she got very irate and I kept hearing her shouting down the phone, "This is not for sex lessons. I am teaching the German!"
In the end she did get some clients, all male, all who fell in love with her, and all who were using the German lessons as a way to woo her. She had a hell of a time getting rid of them when they became too amorous. She even found it difficult to get rid of them at the end of the hour, and so I had to dress up as a grown up (I was ten or so) in high heeled shoes and a hat, go outside, ring the bell to our flat and pretend I was the next person coming for a lesson.
Anyway, my mother is too nice to men and I think I am too. I definitely don't fall into the sycophancy camp. I don't worship men or think they are great, I just don't immediately think every man is only out for one thing, when frankly, they usually are.
Here is my dilemma. I hang out with this group of about twenty Germans. We ostensibly meet in a pub every week or so to 'practice our German' but obviously it is just an excuse to get hammered. Whoever said Germans were boring has never met this bunch. So anyway, there is this one middle aged guy, let's call him Richard, who is a bit of a pain, the kind of person who is always trying to touch you, but it is not quite in a sexual way, so you can't tell him to knock it off.
Anyhow he is having all the Germans round to his place on Friday. Apparently we are all going to make sushi. I don't know if Sushi lessons is a euphemism for something (answers on a postcard), but I am going to assume that we really will just be doing things with rice and fish. That isn't the issue. The issue is getting there. He lives about half an hour away from my house by freeway. Now, nobody laugh but in three years of driving I have never been on the freeway and I'm not going to start this Friday. I have an Austrian friend, Myriam, who is even less Americanized. She has lived in Baltimore for two years and does not even have an American license. But she has offered to drive me to this get together (she has an International driver's license).
Now, firstly, I don't hold much hope of Myriam getting us there, considering she has never driven on a US road, but apparently she is a world traveller and has driven in South Africa and God knows where, so that is okay. But I don't know her all that well. All I know is that she is one of those gorgeous women who has wasted her life dating losers and alcoholics in the hope that she could save them. The upside of this is that she is a teetotaller, because her last boyfriend was an alcoholic and to make him stop drinking she decided she would too (result: he is still an alkie, she only drinks cranberry juice). She's one of those women like in porn films, the sexy repressed secretary who always wears no makeup and has her hair scraped back from her face, but has this hot little body, and if I was a guy I would be dying to awaken her latent libido. And here's the thing:
Richard said to me and Myriam, "Oh do bring your swimsuits, we will all be going in the Jacuzzi." And now, you tell me, how am I going to avoid the hands of various lecherous Germans in the Jacuzzi when we are all crammed in together, especially after a bottle or two of Jaegermeister? And what if Myriam decides to have a few drinks, and do one of those secretary to nympho transformations from a porno film? They say 'It's always the quiet ones,' and it usually is. Like that line from that Leonard Cohen song:
and Bethlehem inflamed us both
like the shy one at some orgy.
Because Richard also said, "Oh don't worry about getting drunk. There are plenty of beds at the house for you to stay the night in."
And while I would like to think he is just being incredibly friendly and offering us a place to stay, the fact is that we are some of the most desirable chicks in the group, simply because a lot of the other women are in couples (I mean I know I am married but I don't go to these meet ups with my husband so I think they think I am easy game). I just get kind of a funny feeling about all this. I have been in a few situations where you stay over at a guy's house and he 'pretends' to have got lost (in his own house) on the way to the bathroom, and he tries to get into bed with you and says, "Sorry, my mistake." Etc. etc.
I just don't have a good feeling about this. I mean, I am sure it will be a right Roman orgy all right, just, do I want to be in the middle of it with no way of escaping because I'm too chicken to drive on the flipping freeway?
All answers gratefully received.
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