Today I’m launching my Bad Sex Competition. Why? Because I think you have the imagination to really give it to me and write me an erection droopingly bad sex scene.
The Challenge
Take two or more famous people or bloggers (pick me! pick me!) and write a sex scene crammed with godawful unerotic moments, that will have us reaching for the sick bag or at least give us a good giggle.
The Prizes
Here’s the juicy part: If you win this competition, you can have sex with me in virtually any position you like. You can do it for twenty-four hours straight and make me shout “That’s amazing, Mr President!” every time you ejaculate. But bear in mind we're talking virtual sex here. Still, I guarantee you’ll have a good time. And if you’re a woman I’ll give you, well, anything you want, sex obviously, as well as a full body massage and a goody bag full of virtual Lancome make up.
There are also lots of cash prizes. Thousands of dollars in virtual money is up for grabs, so let’s have your entries and make them good.
This is how we do it
I’ve written a particularly gruesome scene featuring Luscious English Muffin Nigella Lawson:
and our very own blogging stud troika (steady ladies, don’t faint with excitement. He’s currently based in Hong Kong, and he’ll get to you all in his own sweet time).
The scene: A dinner party in Islington, which Nigella is catering for a group of stuck up media types.
While Nigella is in the kitchen, troika approaches her from behind, slaps her arse and burps.
“Got any Stella? The Belgian beer they’re serving out there tastes like rat's piss.”
Nigella spins round, cleavage a-quiver over her low cut gown.
“Do you mind? Who do you think you are, talking to me like that, not to mention man handling me in such an intimate way?”
“Yeah, I know who you are. Nigella pissing Lawson. So, do you?”
“Do I what?” says Nigella, licking batter provocatively from her spoon.
“Have any Stella?”
“I can’t think what you mean.”
“Never mind," Troika says, taking the spoon from her and throwing it aside. “Listen, this might be your lucky night, because I quite fancy putting my pork sword into your toad in the hole.”
“I beg your pardon? I am married you know.”
“Don’t worry about that, I’ll be in and out in under ten minutes.”
Troika grabs her tits, sticks his head between them and makes a snuffling sound.
She starts to pant. “But what about my soufflé? It’s in the oven. It’ll be ruined!”
“Stuff your soufflé.”
“Oh, well, I must admit you are rather a charmer, albeit in a rather Neanderthal way. Go on then. How do you want me?”
“Oh, just lie down on the granite top and show us your muff.”
“Very well.” She lies down, lifts up her dress and urgently pulls down her knickers.
Troika kneels down and spreads her legs.
“Fucking hell, just my luck to pull a posh bint with a stubbly chuff. I don’t want to get razor burn off your badly shaven minge.”
“Oh, oh, please! Thrust your tongue deep into my vulva.”
“All right, but only because you’re not a chav. Not every piece of skirt would get this sort of regal treatment.” He goes down on her for a while.
“You brute! You animal! You’ve ignited a flicker in me that’s about to set me aflame. Oh, there. Stay right there!” Presses his head into her crotch.
“Oh chuffing hell, I’ve been on the job three minutes, what gives? I haven’t got all night to wait for you to come, you know. I’m going to flip you over and finish off like that.”
Rolls her onto her stomach, and, after a few thrusts, pulls out, punches the air and shouts “Goal!” spraying his load in every direction.
Troika idly wipes his cock on the velvet curtains, before zipping up his fly.
“Sorry about that, some of it got on this tray of pistachio sprinkled apricots stuffed with crème fraiche. I think they should be good to go if you wipe them down a bit. See you around, love.”
Troika wanders off.
THE END
So, I hope that’s got your juices flowing. Please put your Bad Sex Scene in my comments or, if it’s a magnum opus, send it to me at emmakcontact at yahoo.com
I await your entries with bated breath!
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38 comments:
OMG his post was hilarious.
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT PHOTO OF ME?
Do you have any idea what you have just let yourself in for? Be afraid, Emma. Be very, very afraid.
Holy shit, troika totally has the porn 'stache going on. All he's missing is Borat's lime-green man-thong, and the picture would be complete!
It's a mankini, not a man-thong.
I should know.
ice...glad you liked it. Got any bad sex?
troika....Bring it on baby!
the zero boss...Yes, troika is hot. And I know for a fact he keeps his pubes just as nicely trimmed as that 'stache.
Wow. That was. Uhm. Special.
love your imagination, funny post!
No way...!
Good sex... :P
At times, only because I made it so, but I don't mind the work.
;)
You have my permission to razz Nigella on any number of levels....
janet...thanks sweetie, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
tkkerouc...glad I titillated you darling.
ice...you work it girl!
tom paine...I'm not sure I was razzing her! I've had a crush on her forever and don't most women want her posh sexy voice, not to mention her vast wealth and cleavage?
When Emma met Freddy
"fuck you're even better looking in real life than I had imagined you to be" she sighed, "could you show me that trick you do with Maltesers?"
He smiled enigmatically and said "maybe"
"go on, please" she said "I have a bag of them here that I've been carrying in my handbag since I read about that on your blog"
She leant back against the table thrusting her breasts at him and giving him the eye. Mighty inviting she looked too in those high boots and the low cut top.
Till the table slid back on the polished kitchen floor and she fell flat on her arse, knocking the dogs water bowl over and soaking herself at the same time.
He stood over her unzipping himself "while you're down there Emma............"
She got unsteadily to her knees and slid her lips over his magnificent engorged manhood.
Her tongue flicked and suddenly she was lifting herself away and choking to get rid of the small strand of pubic hair that had somehow lodged itself in her throat.
The heimlich manouevre didn't seem appropriate so freddy decided to go nuclear and lifted her up onto the kitchen table and pulled her thong to one side to allow him to "OWWWWWWWWW" she yelled as she realised that she was laying on a rather large pepper pot.
"hmmm, maybe the bedroom would be better" said Freddy.
"You could be right, it's through here but mind the ......"
Too late, Freddy had already crashed to the floor having tripped on the cable for emma's rechargeable vibrator that was on the hall table being charged for the fifth time that day.
Picking himself up with as much dignity as he could muster Freddy attempted one last move
"maybe the sofa........"
She led him into the room and half sat half lay on the sofa, freddy knelt between her legs and kissed her passionately on the mouth, her tongue pushing aginst his and exploring him, pushing hard, tongue wrestling of quality as their hands manipulated zips and buttons. Her breasts thrusting against him she intensified the kiss and then, as his hand slid down her body towoards her aching sexual centre
"ahh fuck ow that's a filling you just dislodged with your tongue!"
He stood, looked down at her as she lay there half-naked and said "emma, you look fucking gorgeously fuckable, but it's just too dangerous"
and with that,
he left
for a safer activity like bungee jumping or freefall parachuting
(that what you had in mind hun?)
Freddy...you star!! All I can say is, quite honestly, that was the bee's knees, the cat's miaow...I knew you would come through for me. I cried tears of laughter, and joy...made my day!!
Freddy...also, what is the trick with the Maltesers?
I've put a Crunchie bar up there ...very nice... do Maltesers produce a similar effect?
Also, if the guy puts an Altoid mint on his tongue while he's going down you get a pretty good tingling effect.
What else is there that's food but can also be rammed up your know what to give an interesting sensation?
Let's open up the floor for discussion.
You have to read this. I couldn't stop laughing the first time I read it. Everyone else must have thought I was off my rocker.
yorksdevil...Yes that is bad sex, that is VERY BAD SEX. I love it. But while that scene is hilarious, I can't believe it is for real. No one, while trying to turn you on, would say:
"I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm."
Would they???
If it is a genuine conversation it is certainly a set-up by one side. Go to this page and down to the 'best text' section (the 2nd grouping down) and there's a number similar things. May I particularly recommend 'Bloodninja'.
hmm crunchie - never tried that, but I did try a bounty once........... you may have read about that!!!
not to be repeated!
maltesers just melt so wonderfully when slipped inside the outer lips.... and the remnants of that honeycomb centre give a great sensation apparently
other foods.... well I know that cucumber and courgette (or zucchhhhinnnnniiiii as the american readermay know them) have been used, but that's just a dildo substitute. Other foods that add something are mostly about the flavour and the texture
banana is apparently fun but i never tried it
pineapple chunks are fun
as are strawberries
and champagne
but do make sure you're not allergic first!
I wrote a bad sex story.
It involves you and I in the kitchen of an Indian restaurant, a roast pig, a stray dog, two midgets and an abortion.
At one point you have your head in a bucket of curry whilst I'm doing you from behind and slapping your hairy arse with a salmon.
I'm not going to post it, because I'll win the first prize and I really, really don't want it.
Right, I'm gonna have to think long and hard on this one, I sooooo want to put the virtual altoid in my mouth and *ahem* like you said to you!
freddy...you've convinced me. I'm off to buy some Maltesers :)
troika....there was a time when you had a sense of humor. What happened?
vi....I know that because you've just had spectacular sex with Chief it will be hard for you to think of bad sex scenarios, but please give it your best shot and give me a laugh....alas, troika has lost his sense of humor somewhere
emma
you don't need to buy any, I have some I can bring with me
Hilarious stuff Emma! On the food topic, sherbert fountains are the dogs bollocks (apparently).
Yorksdevil - I first saw that "chat" at least ten years ago on a bawdy humor web site. I did find it amusing as I do now.
I'll see your Maltesers, and raise you some Pop Rocks. Seriously... those little popping candies on his tongue, exploding against your ... well you know where they are exploding. It's quite the sensation... like dozens of tiny, friendly little pin pricks.
The Three Stooges Meet Juno Henry
Moe, Larry and Shemp get Juno up to their low-rent hotel room. Well, actually, they abduct her. Moe and Shemp carry her into the room tied to a board. They turn around in the entryway and the board decks Larry.
Larry: “Owww!”
Moe: “Hey numbskull, take her clothes off.”
Larry: “Who you calling numbskull”
Moe: “Shemp, you idiot.”
Shemp: “Why I oughta…”
(sounds of slapping)
Juno: “You guys, stop slapping each other…slap me!”
Moe: “Oh, a wise guy, eh? I’ll teach you a lesson.”
Juno: “Please do!” (thinking to herself “this was my fantasy, making it with three MOTs, two of whom are brothers? I should think again, but I’m kinda tied up right now!”)
Larry: “I’m hungry.”
Moe: “Chucklehead, can’t you see we have a beautiful woman here who will do anything we say?”
Larry: “But I didn’t have any lunch.”
(Moe pokes his fingers in Larry’s eyes)
Larry: “Owww!”
Juno: “Hey, what’s the big idea?”
Larry smacks Moe in the face and they start a smacking fight. Meanwhile, Shemp unties Juno and tries to get her into the bedroom.
Juno wakes up, realizes it was all a dream, thinks of Mel Gibson and masturbates to a thigh-trembling climax.
fille - S and I tried Pop Rocks and yes it's good, but it's the maltesers that she asks me to buy when we're seeing each other
(that could just be a desire for chocolate though)
Altoids, eh?
I've been having loads of fun catching myself up. Cracking good stuff, m'darlin'.
Question: do you have anything to do with your dad anymore? Is he interested at all in his grandkids?
Happy Mammy's Day tomorrow!
You flatter Nigella. I would guess that sex was chore for her. I have never seen her laugh or even speak with irony, which I suspect is a sign of frigidity.
freddy....you have already won a prize for your efforts. I am having sex with you right now and you are popping Maltesers into my um, lotus flower. Yum.
midnight..would love to try sherbert fountains but alas i believe they are only available in the UK!
la fille mariee...i want to try those pop rocks!!
al sensu...that story was utterly inspired. Very original and I loved it, seriously. As a prize I am currently doing a slow striptease for you, wearing only some edible knickers (strawberry flavor) with some M&Ms glued to my nipples.
sam....my dad is an extremely odd and self centred bloke. When I am in the UK I occasionally go and visit him with the kids, but he doesn't really know how to talk to them, so it's all a bit stilted. He doesn't really care much about them. He thinks he is a genius and that no one understands him and he hardly even notices I exist, his loss I suppose. Very sad situation I have almost given up hope on.
gorilla....Yes, Nigella probably is frigid, she needs a really animalistic, nay an animal to really get her going...i think you are definately up to the task!!
Mmmm, strawberry! Thanks, Emma. That's a good start. I left you out of the story because when I win your big prize we're going to have a humdinger of a time. I hope those M&Ms are green...not that I need any help.
Michael Parkinson and Kate Bush in Tesco.
“Kate, I think it’s fair to say, is it not, that we are, are we not, surrounded by pasta of various shapes in tomato sauce.”
“I am a lonely flame burning in this dirty aisle Michael. Take off my small pants and cover my fur in Dolmio”
“Kate Bush, you are of course a singer of great repute, and I’d be only to happy season your purple forest. But first can we, maybe just pause for a second, and talk about your childhood, maybe exaggerating the hardship. When you were first bitten by the musical bug, was it a real bug and what does it look like?”
“I am just a sound Michael. A big clap of sexual thunder dripping over your trolley, waiting for you to scan my musty bar-codes.”
“Kate Bush……………………thank you very much.”
Em you can order sherbert fountains from online sweet shops or if you mail me your address I'll send you some in the post when I get back from a brief interlude abroad. Only if you write a 'review' though ;)
I keep wanting to get into this post of yours but every tme I scroll down as far a Nigella and I stick there, imagining me and her together doing all sorts of disgraceful, delightful things. And Troika can't have her; I saw her first!
Nigella frigid?
Utter rubbish. She's a sensual goddess whose kiss is as enticing as a siren's song and she gives fabulous oral too
sadly the sound of the kitchen timer woke me from my dream before I got round to the maltesers though
matt lobster...what can I say, but that was genius. As a prize for you I am currently lying in a bath full of spaghetti hoops in tomato sauce while sensuously running my tongue along the rim of a pot of mustard. Saucy and spicy, how's that?? ;)
I always quite fancied Michael Parkinson, but I suppose he must be getting on a bit now.
midnight...I might just get you to send me some. Yeah I would do a review. I''m just worried this kind of stuff makes a mess all over the bed ;)
nicholas....when troika sees something he wants he takes it. And once you've gone troika you can't go back. Alas, that's how it was for poor Nigella who fell hook line and sinker for the notorious cad.
freddy...Alas, you will never get a chance to sample Nigella's oral delights. That bastard Charles Saatchi got in there first. Can't see what she sees in the multi-millionaire myself ;)
Emma - your "spaghetti hoops" reference stimulated my...memory...and led to this post.
I have to say the picture you painted for Matt Lobster is much more appealing than what I experienced.
hehehe... too funny... sounds like my last date...
I could not read to the end of that story for fear of never being able to look at Nigella the same way again - she's my cooking hottie!!
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