Ten Reasons Why I Couldn't Be A Man

1. I couldn't piss in a straight line

I would pee all over the toilet/floor, probably wall too, because I am something of a klutz (Evidence: the photo above is the result of a recent attempt to use a milk foamer in a cup of hot chocolate).

2. Having to ask women out all the time

What a flipping fag. Not to mention the fact that, unless you look like an Adonis, you get knocked back a lot. Not only knocked back, laughed at. Hmm, I don’t think my ego would be able to cope with some filly drunkenly braying, “I wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last man on earth.” How do men cope with it, I wonder? I know some of them do lots of over compensatory strutting around, muttering macho phrases like: “Oh, she was a slag anyway, I just asked her out for a laugh.” You’re not kidding anyone mate, we know you’re crying inside!

Well, some are like that. But about asking women out, maybe these days it’s different, and women pursue men more via texting etc. I am no expert on the world of dating via texts, but some of you are, of course, and could maybe chip in here.

3. Having to stimulate a woman to orgasm

What a flipping fag. How the heck do they keep going? Day in, day out, rotating a finger on an area the size of a pencil eraser, for five, ten minutes, while saying, “No, I’m enjoying myself, really I am, dear.” Or what about all those troopers who brave pubic hairs in the teeth and all manner of tedious road directions, “Up a bit, down a bit, no stay there. No there!” while tonguing away, with no end in sight. It must be like driving in the dark. You know that eventually you’ll hit a wall, it’s just a question of when.

Heterosexual men and lesbians are certainly brave souls when it comes to selfless pleasuring. But frankly, I don’t have it in me. Not only is it easier, it’s also quicker to get a man off. Thank God.

4. Having to give most of your money to your wife

Women slag off men day and night, but when you really think about the inequality of the sexes, it’s really quite weighted in the woman’s favor. How many men slave day in, day out, often in jobs they hate, risking heart attacks and God knows what, to financially support women who are at home with the kids? How many women haven’t worked a day in their lives and are financially supported by men? Millions.

Now I’m not saying being a housewife and bringing up kids isn’t work, it is, and in a lot of ways it’s harder than being in an office, but still. It’s an amazing sacrifice isn’t it, handing over most of your cash every week to a woman? It’s incredibly romantic in a lot of ways, actually. It’s like, I am basically your slave and as long as you shower me with love and affection, I’d like to be your slave forever.

I just can’t in a million years imagine financially supporting a man, even if he was a stay at home dad. Which is wrong. I know that. But I just can’t. I’d think, “That’s my flipping money. I’ve slaved for it and I’m not handing it over.” But maybe that’s just me?

5. Not being able to let it all hang out without getting in trouble

As a woman, you can get hysterical, cry while watching ET, start sobbing at a wedding, scream like a banshee while giving birth. No one cares. It’s expected.

Not so if you're a man. I don’t mind men crying. Actually I think it’s pretty sexy in a weird way, if it’s your boyfriend and they’re crying over something private with you, sharing their feelings. But that’s by the by. I never saw a guy cry at work, and if I had, I don’t think he would have lived it down for weeks. I reckon that as a guy you’d have to keep it bottled up a lot. Which would suck.

6. Having to spend hours driving about, while being totally lost

You know how you’re in a car going somewhere with a guy and at some point you realize he is totally lost, and you say, “Stop at the garage, I’ll ask for directions.” And he says, “No, I know where I’m going.” And then he drives around in circles for another hour. And finally you start screaming, “You don’t know where the fuck we are, do you? Let me out, I’m going to ask that school kid smoking a fag in that bus shelter for directions.” And he says, “Shut up. I’ve had it with you. We’re going home.” To which you reply, “We’re lost aren’t we?” Of course, he’ll never actually say, “Yes.”

It’s one of those mysteries, why men don’t ask for directions, but they don’t. Frankly, I don’t think I’d have the patience for those kinds of shenanigans.



7. Having to wear boring clothes

What a pain. Unless you were gay or thick skinned to ridicule, you’d have to wear mostly blue, black, brown and beige in bloody boring styles. Unimaginable to have so many things forbidden to you, like bright pink nail varnish, blusher, purple eye shadow, high heels, short skirts, red silk negligees and patent leather boots. Yeah I know Eddie Izzard braves the world in skirts and stilettos, but frankly he doesn’t carry the look off too well.

8. Having a penis

Don’t get me started. I mean, I know it’s more or less the same as having a vagina - you can get excited at the most inopportune moments - but for men, it’s all on display. You get an erection on the diving board at the swimming pool, and basically, you’re fucked. You get one while walking along the street after seeing some knockers on a billboard. Well, I don’t know what you do. Just walk funny for a bit and hope it goes away? And what about when you can’t get an erection and you are under pressure to get one? I can’t even begin to imagine how embarrassing that must be. Goodness me, this exercise has really helped me empathize with men.

9. Having to watch a lot of sports

I don’t see the point of sports. Balls get kicked about. Someone wins, someone loses. And? But if you’re a guy, you probably get a thrill out of it, like the kind of thrill girls get when you get on the scale and have lost three pounds without even trying. I think that’s the correct analogy.

10. Not being able to experience the miracle of birth

That was a joke, obviously. Ever heard a man say, "God you women are so lucky. I wish I could feel the excruciating agony of pushing out an eight pound baby?" If there are any, they’re only saying it to pretend they’re sensitive, so they can get into your knicks. So watch out.

So that’s it then. Unless I’ve missed something?