Tit for Twat?

Ah, my poor husband. It must be like having three kids instead of two sometimes,(me being the third), because I am bone idle and lack self-discipline.

So recently, the penny finally dropped that if he just suggests things I could do around the house, they probably won’t get done. For example, you wouldn’t tell a three year old, “Maybe you could put your toys into the toy box, if you feel like it?” Now would you? You’d tell them.

Well, the same goes for me. I told him to give me set jobs each day, which I would complete. Also, I said that there should be consequences if these tasks were not completed. Mommy should be given a punishment or a Time Out to ‘think about the consequences of her actions.’

So this morning he said I should do two hours of weeding today or he wouldn't do oral sex on me this evening.

Well, I must say I am nuts about oral sex, but, what with one thing and another, I only completed one square foot of weeding today, and when he got home I said, “Oh shit, I guess there’s no oral for me tonight, because I didn't weed for the required length of time, right?”

He looked dejected and replied, “No, I’m going to have to give it to you anyway, because otherwise I’d miss out on going down on you, and I really love doing it.”

He actually said that. One in a million, is all I can say.


So, in the end I had to give myself a Time Out. I sat in the garden and drank some wine called Mommy’s Time Out and thought about the consequences of whether, in time, my husband might divorce me for being such a lazy cow.

But not that lazy, I suppose. We have had rather more success with a fitness scheme called 'Laps for Laps.' Which is that each lap I do at the pool equates to him giving me one minute's oral sex when we get home. I seem to be much more motivated to achieve sporting goals when orgasmic goals are set as an incentive.

And now, after a couple of glasses, I am starting to wonder how typical this kind of ‘tit for tat’ or ‘tit for twat’ behavior is. For instance, does your partner ever make bargains like that with you, i.e. “If you don’t paint the window frames, I won’t give you a foot massage,” or “If you do scrub the encrusted lasagna dish I will dress up in that French maid outfit that gets you off?”

Is this kind of bargaining normal amongst couples, or am I totally on my own here?

Now excuse me, I'm off upstairs to find out the oral sex equivalent to one square foot of weeding.....I'll keep you posted!