My husband John just returned from Vienna, where he'd been to collect my daughter Scarlett, who'd been vacationing with my mother. He and Scarlett were split up for the flight and John found himself seated between a man and a woman. He was looking forward to a nice, relaxing time with a dash of sexual fantasizing thrown in. Like every red blooded man, he enjoys flying Austrian Airlines, which, if you are unaware of the fact, features a spectacular selection of top totty air hostesses. Unfortunately, the flight was not quite as enjoyable as he had hoped.
Poor old John. To explain what happened next, maybe I should explain that despite having a rather filthy mind, he looks the picture of fresh faced innocence (even though he is twenty-eight). He was also wearing shorts, has rather firm thighs and a non-confrontational disposition. He had fallen into a deep sleep, only to find himself rudely awakened by someone squeezing his bare thigh. For one blissful moment, he thought that he had wandered into a commercial for Lynx:
But alas, when he opened his eyes, he noticed that the hand perilously approaching his nuts was not manicured and feminine, but hairy, and belonging to the middle-aged businessman beside him.
"What did you do?" I asked.
"I elbowed him in the ribs, but he didn't seem to get the message, and for the rest of the flight would occasionally brush his hand against my leg."
He claimed he would have shifted away from the businessman, but for the fact that he was caught between a rock and a hard place, or maybe a blancmange and a hard on, because the woman on the other side of him was so fat that she had to keep the armrest up, so overflowing was her bulk. He said she was quite pleasant, only you can't exactly spend a flight crushed against a chubby woman's bosom just to get away from a randy man's fingers, can you?
I asked him what he would have done if the randy businessman had been a sexy businesswoman, and he said, "Well, I would have thrown a blanket over my knees and said, 'Go right ahead.'" Not sure if he was serious....
What would you have done? Pressed the alarm and said, "Help me stewardess, this man is fondling me?" I'm not sure they would have taken him all that seriously. In any case, he can clearly handle himself. Has this kind of thing ever happened to you (someone you found unattractive or even attractive touching you on an airplane?). Do give me all the details, and I do mean all the details.
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Also, if you have any problems regarding life, the universe or phantom fondlers, please be aware that I am have a column called The E-Spot and am more qualified than Dr. Phil to give answers to life's tough questions (if you don't believe me, think on this, how much experience to you think Dr. Phil actually has had of a carnal nature, not much I should venture). So please, do unload your problems by writing to me at emma.theespot[remove]@gmail.com (please say if you wish to remain anonymous).
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22 comments:
PSA stands for prostrate specific antigen in my line of work... a test to detect prostrate cancer. PSA gives you a lift eh? Hur hur. Sounds like an action packed flight. I think I may have shouted loudly - please stop fondling my thigh... you weirdy pervert.
Lol, poor man! As a commuter, I used to get sleepy fat blokes pressing their thighs against mine as they wedged me against the carriage wall and then drooling over my shoulder when they fell asleep. Thank goodness it was in the age of the Dynasty shoulder padded, blouse/jacket but I normally used to just jerk my shoulder very forcefully to wake them.
I would have put a blanket over myself and slid my hand across seductively before grabbing his bollocks and shoving them in his arse.
Although he may like that kind of rough treatment.
PS "Vacationing". Yuk.
I once had to endure a fat, bald, middle-aged asian businessman "accidentally" positioning his hand on my ass in a crowded carriage.
Given that 99.9 per cent of folk in the UK, on accidentally touching a stranger's ass, would do their best not to repeat it, the continued brushing of his hand and fingers started to piss me off. At first I tried moving, but he moved with me.
Eventually I lost my temper, and shouted in the crowded carriage: "Keep your filthy fingers away from my ass. If you want to cop a feel, find another bottom to fondle."
He denied all knowledge, but the touching stopped for the rest of the journey.
yeah, public humiliation is the only way forward. Its happened a few times on crowded tubes, one of the many reasons I don't fly LU anymore. I've just grabbed said hand quick, thrust it above my head and shouted "who's is this?" until said owner publicly apologised (and stopped)
am hard, me
I cannot imagine the disappointment. Going from fantasy to horror!!
I think I have been giving out strongheaded vibes or I am in denial. However, when I worked in the States and we had a Christmas Party. There was a long-legged girl with big blue eyes Erin, who walk by the CFO without him thrusting his hips towards her. He looked so stupid, and to top it of his name was, probably is, Mr Rump!! I swear it is true!!
pesk....He he...I'm not sure why he didn't shout but I expect it was because he had another six hours of the flight to go and it might have got a bit awkward.
having my cake...you poor thing, that sounds repulsive!
troika...Well spotted re "vacationing", I'm afraid that I am so acclimatized to the US that I don't even realize when I'm using an Americanisation. You can give me thirty lashes if you like.
I don't believe you would have had the nerve to shove his bollocks up his arse ;)
mermaid of moorgate...Good for you! I would have done the same.
peach...Wow! you have balls of steel. When I've had men rub against me in the tube I've always just moved away never actually publicly humiliated them, although it's a very good idea otherwise they'll just try it again!
lady latte...that CFO sounds like such a jerk ...I would definately have got back at him at some point by slipping a laxative in his coffee etc.
I once fondled the leg of a twentysomething man in shorts during a flight. He was wedged against some lard arse women so couldn't escape. I'm sure he enjoyed it.
tickersoid...how do you know he enjoyed it, did he fondle you in return or was it more subtle, did he give you his bread roll from the meal and his pat of butter? ;)
I have a particular dislike of men who sit next to you and spread their legs so that they take up three seat spaces, not one. I am fine with normal leg spreadage but on this occasion a man sat next to me on a bus on one of those long seats facing others and spread his legs a la Penthouse Centrefold. I asked him to move them in and he got narky. So I loudly said, "I can't believe your dick is so large you need that space." He was put in his place. And people laughed. A good result all round.
well, if he couldn't wait until he got home to put on his new lederhosen...
With apologies to my gay and/or obese friends:
Ewwww!
Is it possible that the nice gentleman had noticed that husbands tackle was protruding, accidentally, from his shorts and was just planning on tucking it back in?
that's just not fair - how come this sort of thing never happens me. Sulk.
ms robinson....you crack me up. I only ever think of those sorts of witty responses half an hour after I need them.
rilly super...how did you know about my fetish for lederhosen, you cheeky little minx?
al sensu...ha ha...I think my husband is traumatized for life after that encounter!
freddy...I never thought of that. But it could be the explanation, seeing as John packs twelve inches ;)
conortje....don't cry now. John assures me that the businessman was not attractive. But you know now that if you want to attract surreptitious fondling on planes you need to wear shorts, okay?
On a trip to Italy i found that a lot of the men like to fondle women, a lot of the time. They aren't even subtle. We are talking erections pressed up against your arse. If you show displeasure, they just move onto the next available girl!
Well, personally, if someone started touching me up I would loudly demand he stop or hand over hard cash. Same thing re a fat bird.
Puss
I have never hesitated to tell men to keep their hands to themselves or they will regret it. And I'm small, but it's all in your voice and the look in your eye. I can throw the stink eye effortlessly.
If i were him i would have ordered baked beans and beer for dinner and then farted throughout the flight. but perhaps thats just me, eh??
The scary thing is, if this sort of thing is happening to your hubby, what's happening to your daughter while she's all alone?
n...those italian eretions pressed against you...sounds most unpleasant. Or is it a case of when in Rome do as the romans do and squeeze their nuts in return see how they like it?? ;)
glamourpuss...you're so practical. I admire your pragmatism.
medbh....I wish I could throw the stink eye!
jungle jane...that is such an inspired idea! Must remember to carry a can of baked beans on every flight in case of fondlers.
vi...don't worry about my daughter. I actually got the story a bit wrong. John flew Baltimore to Vienna alone and that's when the grope happened and when he flew back to Baltimore with Scarlett they sat together! no need to call social services!
perhaps people would pay extra to have a leg fondled...lemme look into the financial logistics of this..
;)
k
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