Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Prick Lit

I’m here to let you know about an exciting new trend. At long last, it’s fashionable to hate women! At last we can spread the word that women are whores and bitches and get a publishing deal to boot. Ms. Robinson wrote about how prostitution memoirs have become the latest trend in chick lit. And now that everyone knows that it’s fun to be a prostitute, it’s good to know that being a misogynistic prick is hip, it’s cool, yeah, it’s right on!

I suppose it was inevitable. I suppose to some extent women have had it coming. I often wondered how, for years and years, any woman could say: “Men are pigs.” “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” “Men are basically only good for one thing, sex.” Etc. etc. Men were supposed to sheepishly take it. The argument went that men had oppressed women for so long, surely they wouldn’t mind taking a little kicking.

And now, as more and more men are more feminized, are more in touch with their emotions, do more childcare and housework etc - all good things - there inevitably had to be a group of men who decided they didn’t want to do what women wanted them to do: i.e., be nice, sensitive, and have the ability to operate a clitoris without causing friction burn. They decided it would be so much more fun to just stand up and simply tell it like it was: That women are scum and are put on this earth with the sole purpose of sucking their cocks.

Monmouth has done a brilliant satire of the genre on his blog, but here’s a quick rundown of the biggest knobs currently dominating the Prick Lit scene:

Tucker Max whose books include Suck My Dick You Stupid Cow and So I Came In Your Eye and it’s all swollen up, get over it Bitch

Quote: "Don't mistake me-staring at dozens of immense fake breasts spilling out of sports bras is fun for a while, but it gets old quick, especially when those breasts are attached to faces that tell the story vacant personalities do not. These women have circled the drain a few times, and no manner of plastic surgery or trips to the spa can hide that despair that years of whorish behavior and emotional prostitution leaves in the eyes."

Chad Kultgen. His book is called Just a Typical American Asshole

Quote: "Bloussant is a pill taken daily that is guaranteed to enlarge tits by at least one cup size ... I crushed up all the pills into a powder that I've been mixing into as many of Casey's meals as I can. I've been doing this for about a month and so far the results could be better."

Eric Schaeffer. Author of the book I love women really, my emotions are just buried really deep, under my ex-girlfriend's head in the back garden

Quote: "I mean we're men. We're wired to see a woman, smash her on the head with a bone, drag her unconscious body back to our apartment by the hair, and f*** her. I think you all should give us a break and, in fact, a little credit."

Neil Strauss. Wierdo who gives seduction tips. His most famous book is: I need a lot of fancy tricks to make women sleep with me because I have a very small penis

Quote: "Seduction is a dark art. Every woman I met seemed disposable and replaceable. The better a seducer I became, the less I loved women."

Now, I don't want to brag - but I anticipated this trend back in May when I penned a Prick Lit piece from the point of view of legend in his own lunchbox troika. For those who don’t know troika, it is quite obvious that he has never met a woman worthy of riding his pork sword. So I did him a little favor. Knowing Nigella Lawson is his ideal woman, I constructed this fantasy scenario for the dear boy. And now, without further ado, I give you:

When Troika met Nigella





The scene: A dinner party in Islington, which Nigella is catering for a group of stuck up media types.


While Nigella is in the kitchen, troika approaches her from behind, slaps her arse and burps.

“Got any Stella? The Belgian beer they’re serving out there tastes like rat's piss.”

Nigella spins round, cleavage a-quiver over her low cut gown.

“Do you mind? Who do you think you are, talking to me like that, not to mention man handling me in such an intimate way?”

“Yeah, I know who you are. Nigella pissing Lawson. So, do you?”

“Do I what?” says Nigella, licking batter provocatively from her spoon.

“Have any Stella?”

“I can’t think what you mean.”

“Never mind," Troika says, taking the spoon from her and throwing it aside. “Listen, this might be your lucky night, because I quite fancy putting my pork sword into your toad in the hole.”

“I beg your pardon? I am married you know.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ll be in and out in under ten minutes.”

Troika grabs her tits, sticks his head between them and makes a snuffling sound.

She starts to pant. “But what about my soufflé? It’s in the oven. It’ll be ruined!”

“Stuff your soufflé.”

“Oh, well, I must admit you are rather a charmer, albeit in a rather Neanderthal way. Go on then. How do you want me?”

“Oh, just lie down on the granite top and show us your muff.”

“Very well.” She lies down, lifts up her dress and urgently pulls down her knickers.

Troika kneels down and spreads her legs.

“Fucking hell, just my luck to pull a posh bint with a stubbly chuff. I don’t want to get razor burn off your badly shaven minge.”

“Oh, oh, please! Thrust your tongue deep into my vulva.”

“All right, but only because you’re not a chav. Not every piece of skirt would get this sort of regal treatment.” He goes down on her for a while.

“You brute! You animal! You’ve ignited a flicker in me that’s about to set me aflame. Oh, there. Stay right there!” Presses his head into her crotch.

“Oh chuffing hell, I’ve been on the job three minutes, what gives? I haven’t got all night to wait for you to come, you know. I’m going to flip you over and finish off like that.”

Rolls her onto her stomach, and, after a few thrusts, pulls out, punches the air and shouts “Goal!” spraying his load in every direction.

Troika idly wipes his cock on the velvet curtains, before zipping up his fly.

“Sorry about that, some of it got on this tray of pistachio sprinkled apricots stuffed with crème fraiche. I think they should be good to go if you wipe them down a bit. See you around, love.”

Troika wanders off.

THE END

28 comments:

lillipilli said...

Must...have...Troika.

Too funny.

Troika said...

Oi. I told you when you first ran this that you would be in trouble.

Surprisingly though, that picture does look like me. And I am a media type. And stuck up. And I do fancy Nigella.

Apart from that, it's all wrong.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Heh! This Troika fellow certainly has a way with the ladies! We call it "the way of the baboon" in my part of the jungle.

Troika said...

Mend your speech a little, Mr Bananas, lest you may mar your fortunes.

rilly super said...

crikey, and there was me thinking 'prick lit' was anything by Jeffrey Archer...

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Trendy to hate women now huh?

I freaking hate your guts Emma!

Oh, I'm now too cool skool!!!!!!

;P

(you know I don't mean it huh?)

DAMN, I've just gone back to being uncool adding that!

kimba said...

The infamous Mr T.
So the real reason he is being such an arse is he is waiting to be discovered, given a book deal and a spot on motivational speaking dvd circuit..

EmmaK said...

lillipilli.....he might be interested in shagging you. But make sure your pussy is box fresh first(see his blog for instructions on how to wipe yourself with the Guardian).

troika...
Apart from that, it's all wrong
Just out of interest, which bits are wrong? You're not trying to imply that you're good in bed or actually give a toss about satisfying women are you? [laughs hysterically] I mean has any woman actually complemented you on your er, skills in the sack?

gorilla bananas...Oh yes, troika has attracted many gorillas as well as dogs in his long history as one of the world's greatest seducers of animals.

rilly super....Ah Jeffrey Archer, whatever happened to him? Is he still banged up?

vi...I hate you too! ya big bitch! ;)\

kimba...the truth about troika is that he's actually a Guardian reader who smokes roll ups and votes Labour and will argue vehemently in pubs with anyone who says that blacks should go back to the jungle where they came from. He just hides that side of him very well under his, er, bushel.

Stephen said...

It's a good thing I didn't read that at work. My laughter would have led to questions about what I was reading, and I'm not entirely sure I could have explained sufficiently...

having my cake said...

Who is this obvious gift to womanhood? I shall have to pay him a visit :)

Ms Robinson said...

Emma you have outdone yourself in this post. I am your humble servant today.

Nigella's just a fat chick, Troika. I hear she just teases. (honest)

Actually I have a strange affection for you Troika. I did a few bad boys in my time.

I hope you look better than that.

Mr Farty said...

Can't wait for it to come out on DVD. Just need to get a box of tissues...

Anonymous Boxer said...

Bravo Emmak! Oh, I was laughing at this one.

Oi, is right, Troika.

electro-kevin said...

Very funny, Emma. I'm actually in pain with laughter. Nigella is a lovely looking girl, I give her that - but she gets right on my tits with her pouting and preening. Lurrv curvy women though.

To tell you the truth I can't remember a time when women DIDN'T mock and disparage men, be it through fifties soaps and cookery programmes or in real life. I think they're jealous*. But you know what ? Guys are jealous of women too - they just have better things to do than get vexatious about it.

I think women secretly love men who are bastards. They get off on it and find them sexy.

* Things that make men jealous of women:

- They can have really shit blogs and get loads of hits (this is a good blog BTW)

- they can raise their attractiveness by at least 2 points using makeup (the face we wake up with is the one we're stuck with all day)

- their rooms smell all nice and girly, ours smell of farts.

- A girly workout is to jig around to aerobic records striking silly poses. Men's workouts consist of ball-busting weight regimes, sweat and tears

- A woman's work is never done, yet when we fix the car it's 'tinkering' or when we do the gardening we're 'pottering'

- Wives have a myriad of work options ie part-time, full-time, sabatical, work from home, child care ... we have only one option - WORK.

- Women don't have to be good at sex to get laid

- Women don't have to be successful in their careers to be attractive

- Women get all the best underwear ...

... and the best perfume...and the best jewellery ...

I could go on. I can't be a bastard, it's not in my nature so I resort to cheek instead. ;-)

Kevin Charnas said...

GOOD GOD WOMAN!!! HHAA!!

I don't believe that I've ever had the pleasure of hearing "pork sword" before.

Thank you, for that.

bittersweet me said...

i think i'm in love. Let me at him ...

Angela-la-la said...

Personally I think Troika should sue, I'm sure he was being an arse long before this lot started making money out of it.

n said...

Nigella.... quite fancied her myself until she started horribly over acting.....on Monday's 'Nigella Express' she even talked about her 'creamy mounds'. The raised eyebrow put me right off....

Around My Kitchen Table said...

This is hilarious! Still laughing.

karoline said...

much thanks for the laugh..i'll never look at Crème Fraîche the same way again...

*wipes tea off monitor*

k
:)

Manuel said...

We have all thought about that situation. Saying that it wasn't Troika and it wasn't Stella, everything else spot on.....

EmmaK said...

stephen...I'm glad I made you laugh!

having my cake...it probably comes across that I am a total bitch for writing this about troika. But when I ran the competition back in May I simply wanted people to send me bad sex scenes featuring two bloggers, and I put this in to demonstrate how to do it. Troika said he had a bad sex scene in his head about me but didn't want to send it in because he didn't want to win the prize (virtual sex with me)!

ms robinson...I am delighted that you are my humble servant today. Is there any chance you could give my floors a quick mop? ;)

mr farty....yes there will be some very messy creme fraiche action in the DVD. Watch out for it in all good video stores!

anonymous boxer....I thought it was quite funny too, but alas, troika takes offence. He said it wasn't accurate. I think he means he drinks Budweiser rather than Stella. I mean, come on what else could he mean?

electro-kevin ...it's true women do love men who are bastards. They think they can tame them. But it gets tired after a few times of trying.

I never thought about that: that women don't need to be good at sex to get laid. So there are some advantages to being a lady ...;)

kevin charnas...pork swords only exist on British blokes, I believe yours are called sticks of beef jerky.

bittersweet me...if your vagina is sparkling clean you might be in with a chance. But he lives in Hong Kong so it could be expensive to fly over there.

n....I bet troika wouldn't mind rolling around on Nigella's creamy mounds.

angela...bloody good idea. Yes, troika was a leader in the prick lit genre and should be compensated in full. I'm right behind you on this.

around my kitchen table...I'm glad I made you laugh!

karoline...glad I made you spurt your tea over your monitor. Praise indeed!

manuel...we have all thought about that situation
I'm sure you have fantasized about doing Nigella, but I'm sure you wouldn't have wiped yourself off on the curtains. I think you carry antibacterial wet wipes about your person and you would have tidied yourself up with one of those. Am I correct?

Troika said...

I have taken no offence at all, Emma.

Feel free to lambast me in public, I am very thick skinned.

However, I will not have the likes of Ms Robinson saying that Nigella is "just a fat chick".

Shame on you fat chicks who have commented on this post for not taking umbrage at that comment. Shame on all of you.

EmmaK said...

troika...but if you didn't take offence, then that makes you a reasonable person who can laugh at themselves. I'm confused. Do you have a split personality or something?

Troika said...

Or perhaps Troika consists of three people. Hence the name.

But it probably doesn't.

I have been compared to the Holy Trinity before, but usually only after sex.

mutleythedog said...

I can forgive all of this - but really 'Velvet curtains'? Jeffrey Archer has a blog by the way - its

HERE

joeh said...

May be the funniest post I've read in months!

I will be back.

Cranky Old Mn

MultipleMum said...

I knew this would be you from the Prick Lit title. I am shaking my head that this genre exists. Scared. Thanks for Rewindng EmmaK x