Monday, September 10, 2007

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark

Actually, make that Moscow. And, well, not rotten exactly, more burnt. A penis, to be precise.

As I read the news today about a Russian lady who in a craving for smoked sausage, set fire to her ex-hubbie's penis, I now pose the question: Is there something deeply rotten in the state of marriage today?

What happened was, that after divorcing her husband, this woman was forced to cohabit with him for three years in a cramped apartment, due to the current housing shortage in Moscow. Now, in her defence, she said she was fed up to the back teeth with him watching pornography and having affairs (although since he was her ex, surely what he did with his penis was his own business?)

The straw that broke the camel's back came in the shape of a bottle of vodka. When, after sustaining a fractured foot in a car accident, he asked her to bring home a bottle of vodka, she did so. He drank the vodka in front of the TV and fell asleep. While he was asleep she got the urge to 'torch his whole body', but when she tried to do so, alas, the alcohol evaporated too quickly and her fantasy of turning him into a burning totem pole came to naught!

Not to be discouraged, she persevered, made a torch out of a newspaper, splashed his groin with alcohol and lit it.



Her ex sustained first-degree burns to his lower abdomen and was hospitalized for several days with his sex organs taking the heaviest blow. The woman could face assault charges.

Hmm.

Yes, I am a sympathetic person, and yes I can understand how, because of the housing shortage in Moscow, you might see red when your stinking old fart of an ex asks you to go and get him some vodka. But is that any reason to set fire to his penis?

This tale of love gone sour was brought to me by my darling
Gorilla Bananas, who comments that:

"Any gorilla can see that the root cause of the marital malaise is disappointed expectations. A wife wants her husband to be her knight in shining armour, utterly devoted to her happiness, utterly immune to temptation. The problem is not that no men are capable of this. Quite a few are, as a matter of fact, which leaves women stuck with a typical Joe Jockstrap (or worse) feeling terribly let down.

It would surely be much easier for women if all men truly were selfish pigs who neglected their spouses and exploited every opportunity to chase available skirt. At least they’d know what to expect and could evaluate their suitors purely as breeding stock. The worst feeling for a housewife is the knowledge that she‘s lumbered with a lemon which she can’t return to the store."

I have had a go at poking a pointy stick at modern marriage myself and you can find my efforts here in a piece called Romantic Illusions. So do come on over and give me a piece of your mind. If I don't agree with your point of view, I promise I won't torch your penis or anything else.

15 comments:

Holly: The Dirty Princess said...

Wow. Wow.

What about his complaints about her? I'm sure he was not the happiest about the situation either - not to mention after the flaming penis incident...

FENICLE said...

Geez - O - Pete!

I'd love to hear his complaints too.

(That pic by the way is great!!)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Your endearments are beginning to affect me, Emma. That picture reminds of the legend that Joan of Arc's heart would not burn. For the slob torched by his ex-wife, replace 'heart' with 'pot belly'.

Sailor said...

This reminds me of the Lorena Bobbit story- remind me to not live with any exes. In fact, remind me to not *have* any exes.

Suits me that way too, I like being married.

Spud said...

Terrible, absolutely terrible

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Man, I thought of doing things like that to the ex, but would never carry them out!

Absolute madness!

Glamourpuss said...

I have to say, having experienced the Moscow Maled first-hand, I have a lot of sympathy for her. They are pigs.

Puss

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Oh dear. I may live in my ex's house but even so I couldn't live with him. Shudder at the thought! BG

Tom Paine said...

Both sexes have unrealistic expectations about Romance with a capital R. It's why there is literature....

john.g. said...

Now where did you get that photo of my ex's granddad from?

Angela-la-la said...

I couldn't help but laugh when I read this story in the news - just as I was listening to my sis on the phone moaning about her husband.

I'm guessing that's not what Mr Russian had in mind when he told prospective new women that he had a red hot cock...

Flowerpot said...

I'm crossing my legs just thinking about it! Brings a new meaning to the word revenge...

Conortje said...

why didn't she just buy him one of those cheap and dangerous vodkas that can make you go blind - that would have been easier and less messy.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I suspect it will be much more difficult for him now to be enflamed with passion. Has the spark gone out of his sex life? Does he no longer burn with desire?

Oh I could go on, but I still carry a torch for true love. No, I'm still fired up with some more bad puns.

Casdok said...

Love the pic!!