It has recently come to my attention that some people actually believe that blogging is pointless. And that there are those who even dare to call it mental masturbation. Well, I'm afraid I've had it with the naysayers. It's time we bloggers fought back. To show that blogging can have a massive impact. Move over Angelina Jolie, I'm about to blow my trumpet. Here's ten ways in which blogging has impacted the real world:
1. After reading troika's post, Fuck I Hate Poor People, I was appalled by the indignities he suffered at the hands of the penniless lard arses that are a blight on today's society. Since then, I have successfully implemented a campaign to stop poor people boarding planes.
2. After the kidnapping of legendary blogger Ms. Robinson, a news report I broadcast helped find Ms. Robinson and bring her safely back to the blogosphere:
3. Steph is a blogger who rocks my world! I recently saw a picture of a guy painted as Spiderman on her blog. Having always been a sucker for a beer gut and a small penis, it was love at first sight for me. After something of a worldwind romance I left my husband and moved in with Spiderman. We live in a big web and I am currently expecting five blue spider babies. Thank you so much Steph for playing cupid!
4. I was totally frigid until reading this post about a practice of shoving ginger up your arse called figging. Intrigued and excited, I tried the practice, my nerve endings exploded in pleasure and I orgasmed many, many times. Since then, I am never without a piece of fresh ginger in my purse. It's cheaper than a vibrator and I believe I am even soaking up vitamins through my bum.
5. After being alerted by troika about the hazards of using cheap toilet paper when wiping one's vagina, I launched a public awareness campaign called 'Use Four-Ply If You Want Oral.' I believe I have saved the sex lives of millions through this campaign.
6. After reading this post, I learnt that fisting is a feminist statement and that we can fist our way to a better tomorrow.
7. From Jungle Jane I got all the advice I will ever need about one night stands:
When it comes to the actual sex there is really very little etiquette to bear in mind – drunk people don’t make notes. Ladies if he’s drier than your mum’s Sunday roast its perfectly fine to spit on his knob – he’ll never remember. Lads, this is your chance to try out your Ron Jeremy moves – girls love a man that slaps his knob around your laydee-parts like they fainted and need resuscitating. Don’t bother using that condom either folks – you totally can’t get diseases if you only fuck once.
8. I was once, maybe, like you, obsessed with someone and keen to stalk them. But are there any good books on how to stalk? Are there any stalker support groups where you can swap tips and talk about how you want to wear the object of your affection's skin as a cloak? Of course there aren't. No one was brave enough to start a stalker's support network until Mermaid stepped up to the plate and made people once again, find pride in stalking.
9. Three cheers for Misssy M, who in an attempt to reduce incidents of matricide, started a check list for mothers who want to avoid any unfortunate 'accidents' with blunt objects. In order to stop their daughters despising them too much, they simply need to follow basic rules such as:
i.I will not get my hair cut short and permed. I will also not go grey without a fight.
ii.I will not wear tracksuit bottoms
iii. I will not collect crystal/pottery/china/creepy dolls/illnesses
You will be relieved to know that as a result of this initiative, rates of matricide have been slashed.
10. And last, but by no means least, Gorilla Bananas has just got a law into parliament decreeding that young men should be forced to become sex slaves for older women:
My preferred solution would be to force them to work as sex slaves for older women. These women would be unattractive spinsters, unable to find a mature mate, but harbouring the normal desires of the human female. They should also be big and fat enough to be able to overpower the young male and compel his obedience.
And if that hasn't made the world a happier place, then I don't know what has!
And what about you? How has blogging changed your world?
Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 405
45 minutes ago