Friday, October 12, 2007

This Is Not Just Mental Masturbation

It has recently come to my attention that some people actually believe that blogging is pointless. And that there are those who even dare to call it mental masturbation. Well, I'm afraid I've had it with the naysayers. It's time we bloggers fought back. To show that blogging can have a massive impact. Move over Angelina Jolie, I'm about to blow my trumpet. Here's ten ways in which blogging has impacted the real world:

1. After reading troika's post, Fuck I Hate Poor People, I was appalled by the indignities he suffered at the hands of the penniless lard arses that are a blight on today's society. Since then, I have successfully implemented a campaign to stop poor people boarding planes.

2. After the kidnapping of legendary blogger Ms. Robinson, a news report I broadcast helped find Ms. Robinson and bring her safely back to the blogosphere:

3. Steph is a blogger who rocks my world! I recently saw a picture of a guy painted as Spiderman on her blog. Having always been a sucker for a beer gut and a small penis, it was love at first sight for me. After something of a worldwind romance I left my husband and moved in with Spiderman. We live in a big web and I am currently expecting five blue spider babies. Thank you so much Steph for playing cupid!

4. I was totally frigid until reading this post about a practice of shoving ginger up your arse called figging. Intrigued and excited, I tried the practice, my nerve endings exploded in pleasure and I orgasmed many, many times. Since then, I am never without a piece of fresh ginger in my purse. It's cheaper than a vibrator and I believe I am even soaking up vitamins through my bum.

5. After being alerted by troika about the hazards of using cheap toilet paper when wiping one's vagina, I launched a public awareness campaign called 'Use Four-Ply If You Want Oral.' I believe I have saved the sex lives of millions through this campaign.

6. After reading this post, I learnt that fisting is a feminist statement and that we can fist our way to a better tomorrow.

7. From Jungle Jane I got all the advice I will ever need about one night stands:

When it comes to the actual sex there is really very little etiquette to bear in mind – drunk people don’t make notes. Ladies if he’s drier than your mum’s Sunday roast its perfectly fine to spit on his knob – he’ll never remember. Lads, this is your chance to try out your Ron Jeremy moves – girls love a man that slaps his knob around your laydee-parts like they fainted and need resuscitating. Don’t bother using that condom either folks – you totally can’t get diseases if you only fuck once.

8. I was once, maybe, like you, obsessed with someone and keen to stalk them. But are there any good books on how to stalk? Are there any stalker support groups where you can swap tips and talk about how you want to wear the object of your affection's skin as a cloak? Of course there aren't. No one was brave enough to start a stalker's support network until Mermaid stepped up to the plate and made people once again, find pride in stalking.

9. Three cheers for Misssy M, who in an attempt to reduce incidents of matricide, started a check list for mothers who want to avoid any unfortunate 'accidents' with blunt objects. In order to stop their daughters despising them too much, they simply need to follow basic rules such as:

i.I will not get my hair cut short and permed. I will also not go grey without a fight.

ii.I will not wear tracksuit bottoms

iii. I will not collect crystal/pottery/china/creepy dolls/illnesses

You will be relieved to know that as a result of this initiative, rates of matricide have been slashed.

10. And last, but by no means least, Gorilla Bananas has just got a law into parliament decreeding that young men should be forced to become sex slaves for older women:

My preferred solution would be to force them to work as sex slaves for older women. These women would be unattractive spinsters, unable to find a mature mate, but harbouring the normal desires of the human female. They should also be big and fat enough to be able to overpower the young male and compel his obedience.

And if that hasn't made the world a happier place, then I don't know what has!

And what about you? How has blogging changed your world?


Anonymous Boxer said...

Oh Hell, and here I thought I was blogging to discuss how much fiber I've eaten for breakfast.

I'm now leaving to find my "cause" and I won't be back until some poor child in Africa or perhaps an obese woman at Walmart is given a chance at a better life by my blog.

How can I thank you?

Ms Robinson said...

Emma I am going to give it serious thought and do a reply post on Monday.

But I doubt if my life has altered as fully as yours. x

bittersweet me said...

i've just seen spider man's balls .. my life will never be the same again

Betty Boob Hug said...

BLogging makes me laugh every single day. At the moment, my favourite is Captain Smack (I know, I'm not very original, but he is hilarious) but i have lots of bloggers I go to and get big laughs from.

This was a great post and yes, I remember steph posting a pic of spiderman and his midget todger and painted sack, very hilarious.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I enjoy the footage of attractive blond women speaking in a curiously breathless manner, as if being simultaneously pleasured by a dwarf hiding under the table. The quote from my blog is very old, Emma. Still, I like the thought of you rummaging around in my attic.

Al Sensu said...

It's rekindled flirtation in my life.

Misssy M said...

For how blogging has changed my life. I think has made my friends and family see me in a different light. I meet my friends at occasions and they quote my blog back at me. The narcissist in me is sated....well nearly.

Thanks for spreading the word on the list even further, Emma! We could change a generation!

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

How has blogging changed my life? It's given me a fatter arse from sitting in front of the computer 12 hours a day!

BottleBlonde said...

I loved your newscast. Though I'm sorry to report that I left Ms. Robinson aside as I manhandled her delicious Italian kidnappers.

And like vi vi vi vooom, blogging has contributed to my jello ass.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Blogging has toned my ass and trimmed my tum...sit on a gym ball instead of a chair...self pleasure away whilst reading sex blogs.
Unfortunately I forgot that eating my own body weight in chocolate on a daily basis might just give me a fat ass instead! Still, there's bound to be an "I've got a fat ass despite it all" blog out there somewhere! BG x

Flowering Jasmine said...

Blogging has caused me to wear out my vibrator. Luckily i have learned from the fantastic thrifty bloggers out there about the use of a variety of household objects that can replace said sex toy. I am indebted to you all.

kim said...

you are hilarious! i think blogging has saved my sanity and therefore the lives of my children and a couple of my family members too - so add that to the list!

Manuel said...

I now sleep 2 hours a day, my ass is wider than ever, I get to bitch to people on the other side of the world, and I've never been happier.

Troika said...

Personally, I think we're all a bunch of wankers.

Conortje said...

but sure masturbation is wonderful! so I don't see a problem - mental masturbation? Well you can't do it for real all the time to be fair.

Memphis Steve said...

I never knew you were such an activist! I'm quite impressed.

EmmaK said...

anonymous boxer.....Glad you understand. Indeed indeed, that blogging entry I did saved the lives of sixteen ratttlesnakes and a pygmy rhino.

How can you thank me? By continuing to visit my blog.

ms robinson....I don't think my life has altered that much. My friends all said when I started, "in six months of blogging you'll have your labia up on your blog." I'm proud to say I proved them wrong.

bittersweet me...hands off spiderman's balls - he's all mine!

betty boob hug...ah yes, Captain Smack. I read on his blog that he says that drugs have not affected his mind in any way. I beg to differ. He is one crazy guy...but funny.

gorilla bananas...the quote from your blog may be old but I think younger men should be forced to service older women, like a sort of activity for the good of society, like Community Service, or Crone Servicing as it will probably be called.

How the hell did you know a dwarf was servicing me while I did my newscast. You are one smart gorilla.

EmmaK said...

al sensu....good to know. There can never be enough flirtation in the world I reckon.

misssy m...It's tough work but someone's gotta do it. We're spreading world peace one blogpost at a time.

vi.....Oh your poor fat arse! My bum is still firm because I limit myself to a mere hour's blogging a day. lucky bitch. I would have loved to have been manhandled by those Italians.

benefitscroungingscum....I am proud to say I have never pleasured myself while reading a blog. I mean, how can you wank off while typing your comments? I'm all for multi-tasking but that's too tall an order for me!!

floweringjasmine...oh yes, household objects as sex toys. Certain bleach bottles are a perfect size and often ridged for pleasure, but as I'm sure you have learnt, it is imperative to screw the lid on tightly first or one can burn one's tender flesh. I stick to root vegetables myself.

kim...Blogging made me unashamed to say: I am an idiot and this is the way I am take me or leave me. Now I'm proud to be daft.

manuel...why are you so flipping modest? I've watched you at your restaurant and your arse is like two billiard balls in a sock. you are hot my friend. are right. But there are worse things we could be, like maybe psychopaths or bird watchers.

conortje...over the years I have to say I have come to find masturbation a poor substitute for the real thing, a bit like having a McDonalds when what you really want a fillet steak. That is why I used the analogy. I worry about the time I am wasting writing my blog when I should be writing my novel.

memphis steve...I don't like to brag. But I do a fuck of a lot for charity ;)

Steph said...

lol, so glad i could broaden your horizons. :P

Conortje said...

yes - go work on that novel miss. NOW!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Emma, I'm not sure how one actually wanks and types...but the great thing about gym balls is that you tend to sway slightly from side to side, or in a circular motion when sitting on was actually my escort mate who alerted me to the self pleasuring hands free ability of gym balls;)

Love your new photo btw!

Melissaria said...

That's very, very funny! Must make a note to go and look for that ginger thing...sounds fascinating!

Blogging gives me a chance to read to-the-point stuff by people who appear smarter and funnier than I am, and who get me thinking about things in ways that some of my real life friends don't. I get to comment on my own terms, and in my own time, giving the illusion of uninterrupted conversation - which is a blessed relief from Mummy-chat, where you're lucky if you get to finish saying or listening to a complete sentence before someone poos their pants or chucks Pom-Bears everywhere.

If people can't be arsed to discuss something with me, then I don't mind, unlike in real ife, and if they piss me off beyond what can reasonably be expected, I can edit or even ban them!

I'm not seeing anything wrong or pointless with this blogging thing so far!

Kira said...

i've heard of having blue balls but that guy is ridiculous. :)