The other night, things were not going so well in the sack. I do believe I was doing rather too much of the, "Up a bit, down a bit. There, no there. Harder. No, not that position, I'm not in the mood for it, etc. etc."
So, usually John is the epitome of patience, but this time he snapped. I don't know if he was PMSing or what, but he said, "Okay, I've had enough of this. Why can't you just lie back and enjoy it for once?"
So, he storms upstairs, (we had been going at it in the front room). I think, okay, well, thank God he's left the dildo for me to finish off with. This isn't any old dildo either by the way. His name's Dirty Harry and we go back a very long way. But he'd taken Dirty Harry with him. Shit.
I tried climaxing with Madam Palm and her five daughters, but I was getting nowhere fast. In desperation, I opened the fridge and took out a cucumber. It wasn't one of those big cucumbers either, it was one of those small ones, about the length of my palm, but with the girth of a dill pickle. And it was cold, even after I warmed it up with my hand. Any port in a storm, I thought, going at it. It just about did the trick.
It was a good lesson to learn though. It hammered home the fact that unless I am a bit more giving in bed I will be forced to masturbate with cold, midget cucumbers.
Just out of interest, what's the stupidest thing you've ever masturbated with?
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50 comments:
Can't wait to see some of the answers to this question!
A horrible, horrible man.
He was really horrible.
ME? Masturbate?! N-E-V-E-R.
*immediately ceases clicking 'mouse'*
Electric toothbrush, deodorant bottle, carrot, texta pen, soap, foot massager, mobile phone and a pearl necklace.
The weirdest one was a Ken doll when I was about 13. I don't think Barbie ever forgave him.
Madam Palm and her five daughters?
mwhahahaha, that is a truly beautiful line.
When I was about 13 I used my 'clownie' (a trusted friend and stuffed toy) to rub between my legs.
I can't look clownie in the eye anymore, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.
steph, a mobile phone? hehehehehe
hope nobody rang! :)
You'd make a great tester for the sex toy industry! Or maybe you could just write reviews for a magazine. Interesting that you're not into the rapid vibrations of an electronic device.
Heehee.
This put a smile on my face, on this grey Melbourne day. x
"what's the stupidest thing you've ever masturbated with?"
My ex.
Puss
As you know, I wouldnt call my electric toothbrush stupid. I have two - one for the clit and the bottom end of the second for penetration.
I prefer to think of the following as being imaginatively adaptable rather than 'stupid fings wot ive wanked wiv': the vibrations of my mobile phone with MrUD ringing it, a handcream bottle, an empty bottle of orange squash, a wine bottle, one of those massagers with the stick and two balls - totally took the wood finish off that one, a cucumber - which promptly broke in half and had to be retrieved from inside me.
Im going now because this is starting to feel like the conveyor belt part of the Generation Game...
oh I hate the 'up a bit, down a bit' routine
It is such a turn-off, I cured a former lover by suggesting that I do EXACTLY what she asked and then doing just that. No more, no less, just EXACTLY what she asked for...
btw - did you put the cucumber back in the fridge?
crikey, jerkin' with a gherkin eh? organic I hope, emma dear
I'd quite like to see this in one of those dervla kirwen M&S adverts ( do you get those in america?); this isn't any cucumber, this is an M&S hard, thrusting, big,juicy cucumber, oh ,oh, yes, yes!...
What a bunch of wankers !
sailor...I thought people would be too coy to divulge but I was wrong.
sam...It was either the cucumber or wake the kids by screaming up the stairs, "Give me my freaking dildo!!"
bottleblonde....you leave your mouse along, she needs a nap she's a little sore ;)
steph....wow, what a creative little wanker you are ;)
betty boob hug....I feel like you used clownie like a cheap toy. He does have feelings you know and I think he would have liked you tickle his love button once in a while.
gorilla bananas...I'm not sure I would make a great tester of sex toys. I don't really like vibrators I just find them really annoying kind of reminds me of having my teeth drilled at the dentist. I'm like you Gorilla, if I can get my hands on a fruit or nicely shaped vegetable I'll use that.
ladyb....so glad I cheered you up darling!
glamourpuss....that is such a good line!!
having my cake...that's it -everyone's raving about electronic toothbrushes for pleasuring oneself. I'm getting one.
freddy...I don't actually usually do the 'up a bit down a bit routine' that much. That night I was in a bad mood maybe and so I did. Also it doesn't help to tell the man exactly what one wants and have him to it. okay he can do it that time and it will work. but you must know freddy that women are contrary and sometimes they will enjoy one position the next day not at all, sometimes they will want the oral sex rough, sometimes gentle, etc etc it all depends on time of month, mood etc. I'm so glad I don't have to satisfy women. Hard work I think, but enjoyable for those called to the service, like yourself Freddy.
No i didn't eat the cucumber Freddy. I threw it out.
rilly super...I was so randy that I didn't check if it was organic. I now see it wasn't and was probably covered in pesticides and I will probably die, all for a so-so orgasm!!
gumpher....are you going to be part of the circle jerk?
Are you kidding ? No one's sticking a second hand pickled gherkin up my marmite motorway. I'm not even that keen on them in a burger
gumpher...ha ha, I forgot you were a bloke for a moment. No, you are right, if you got a gherkin stuck up your bum it might take some explaining at the doctors. I guess men need little more than some handlotion and a well thumbed copy of Big Ones :P
a carrot
and it got stuck, I was trying to take my own virginity
I'm not momtheminx anymore
I'm tkkerouac.blogspot.com
if you care to link
ox
tkkerouac....
wow, it's raining vegetables around here. I think some of the men are being a bit shy. Come on lads, there's nothing wrong with enjoying having a corn on the cob shoved up your bum. Let us know what you get up to why don't you...
I've linked you babe!
You really should get in touch with me when these things happen...
Just out of interest, what's the stupidest thing you've ever masturbated with?
Er, your blog?
*mwah*
gentleman whore...I'll keep you in mind. You seem to be the sort of chap who would be able to help out a damsel in distress who has the female equivalent of blue balls ;)
angela...REALLY?? You've wanked off to my blog? If so, I am flattered!
A friend of mine grew up in the South and said he'd hole out a watermelon and...
A cactus.
A Jeffrey Archer sex scene...
HERE
Vacumm cleaner.
i'm with betty boob hug - i used my much loved rabbit very, very cruelly.
and yes, the obligatory cucumber (which he peeled and made into a delicious salad the next day)
emma my dear - I think you misinterpreted my comment...
I did exactly what I was asked, just that once. I insisted on precise instruction and followed it to the letter.
If you doubt the frustration that caused her, try it sometime with John.
exactly what he asks, but no more...
it cured her of the 'up a bit, down a bit' syndrome
I am of course keen on having feedback, and guidance, I just don't like instructions!
PS
sorry - I know your post was more about the cucumber than the cause of your turning to it for relief
al sensu....Sounds like fun, if a bit sticky.
troika..... Hmmm...sounds like a bit of a prickly situation and I bet you didn't get its consent first either. I'm reporting you to the RSPP (Royal Society for the Protection of Plants) for abuses against plants.
mutley the dog...I knew that Archer was a pervert insofar as he perverted the course of justice and was banged up for a while. I didn't know he wrote sex books...don't think he does you were just yanking my chain, no?
I do know he writes shit that sells a lot but have you ever met anyone who would admit to reading an Archer book?
vi....christ on a bike. That sounds painful!! I'm surprised you didn't lose your uterus.
bittersweet me...I feel for all the stuffed animals you and betty boob hug used for mastubatory practices in your youth. It never ocurred to me to jack off using my teddybear.
freddy...I hear you. As I say, I don't usually do the instructions because I know it is a pain in the arse for the guy. I did it that night because I guess I just wasn't relaxed enough to enjoy myself and go with the flow.
The stupidist thing I ever masturbated with was a thick girfriend I once had.
Oh dear, oh dear - oh deary me !
On my return to bloggosphere what do I find the wonderful Emmak tawkin' about ?
You's a verry baad girl ! Go straight to your room.
;-)
I just went to one of those parties (Naughty Girl Party) kinda like tupperware but you pass around different dildo's, vibrators, lotions, etc. etc.
Well since I have a collection of my own, I thought,hey I will buy the hubby something. I bought him what's called a "sleave". It's rubber, jelly like, about 6 inches long with a hole in the middle. He liked it.
Flashlight while camping was fun!
*giggles* not fruit,
thankyou for your comment. You're wonderful to read about. Consider me a regular visitor m'dear.
Kisses!
I once had a girlfriend who did the same thing. She was actually a lesbian who'd briefly strayed from the pack, or maybe she was just slumming it, I don't know. But whenever we had sex, it was like she was a coach, and I the athlete. It was almost scientific, the way she directed me. I began to look at our sex encounters as "lessons", and figured "hey, she's a lesbian, she must know what she's talking about". Eventually she migrated back to her flock, but I walked away with a new bag of tricks, so I never complained about it.
As for my own bad masturbation ideas, here's one: When I was about 11 or 12, I stuck my penis in a vacuum cleaner. Of course I did. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but was actually very alarming, and kind of painful. It was the second-scariest thing I ever did to my penis. So far. We'll see what happens.
I've bought someone an nJoy Funwand for Christmas, but they'll be getting it early. This coming week, in fact. I'll be reporting back.
It looks and feels gorgeous, btw.
My fingers once and the my vibrator another time.
bitresweet me That is disgusting. You should have thrown that cucumber out. EEEIIIIWWWW!!!!
When I moved from New England to New York, my sex toys somehow mysteriously disappeared. (I had professional movers.) When my boyfriend and I broke up, I had to get creative. So I used a bottle of Clinique make-up remover.
"Take the Day Off," or some shit like that.
It might just be your photos Em, is it just that I've been over here a long time or do you look even hotter than usual these days?
Oops was going to write more but my battery is dying. I guess you are familiar with that problem too!
New here to your spot, I also see that you are in b-more 2. Nice post....I love bloggers who are more open sexually.
My stupid stories are not as much WITH, but WHERE.
A deodorant bottle, the roll on variety, the lid untwisted inside and let's just say there was no sweaty vadge for the next few days.
I worked in a hospital years ago, and you'd be surprised at what people put up their bums and vaginas, and needed medical help getting them out again. Or maybe you wouldn't, to judge from some of those answers!
http://agentlemansdomain.typepad.com
electro-kevin...Welcome back! Are you sure you are cured of your blogging addiction? You weren't away very long. And how did you get the wife to let you go back to the blogosphere?
jahooni....Hey just be careful he doesn't fall in love with that sleave and run off with her ;)
she's thyme...welcome darling. Hope you come back soon.
captain smack....Wow!!!! Getting oral lessons from a dyke is the equivalent of going to Harvard Business School. I hope you graduated Cunnilingus School with honors and have used your skills to the delight of many women.
I read on your blog that you once put your penis into a cantaloupe that you holed out and stuck onto a fan. I still don't understand how you thought that something rotating at a hundred times an hour would be arousing rather than unbearably painful.
cyrano q...Yes. do let me know how you got on with the funwand.
the diva's thoughts....
BTW I threw the cucumber out after it had served its purpose.
marcelle manhattan...oh I have used every cosmetic and shampoo bottle I own at one time or another.
I know you are a copywriter and I have always been confused about whether Aveda, who produce some hand lotion called "Hand Relief" put that name on the product intentionally, ie to be kinky, to mean, 'hand relief' as in tossing a guy off? or did some naive copywriter think up the name?
midnight....you are absolutely correct. I do look hotter than ever. Like a fine wine I improve with age ;)
BTW I hope you are astute enough to notice that that lady licking the cucumber is not me just a cucumber fetishist I googled.
ray...hi and welcome to my blog. I try and speak honestly on sexual issues without being obscene.
neil...I hope you are going to dish on this someday i.e. have you ever done it at a baseball game in the stands for example?
jules....thanks for the tip! ;)
nicholas......I think it is fairly easy to get most things out of the vagina but not so much the anus which is something of a one way street.
A 20millmetre cannon end-of-chain round.
I should add that it is completely harmless as a weapon as the end-of-chain round is solid metal in case the pilot keeps trying to fire the cannon as otherwise the cannon chamber would be damaged.
Is the you in those pictures?..:)
He was so bad...I can't even mention his name.
g7....Wow, sounds kinky.
jj....no, that is not me in the pictures, just some cucumber fetishist I googled.
Oh my Lord, how did I miss this post?! Fabulous!
You could use something small an discreet like a bullet http://www.hotgvibe.com/store/bullet-vibrators/#.TkvQlhwnGsY
No one will ever know what is even going on ha ha.
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