The other night, things were not going so well in the sack. I do believe I was doing rather too much of the, "Up a bit, down a bit. There, no there. Harder. No, not that position, I'm not in the mood for it, etc. etc."
So, usually John is the epitome of patience, but this time he snapped. I don't know if he was PMSing or what, but he said, "Okay, I've had enough of this. Why can't you just lie back and enjoy it for once?"
So, he storms upstairs, (we had been going at it in the front room). I think, okay, well, thank God he's left the dildo for me to finish off with. This isn't any old dildo either by the way. His name's Dirty Harry and we go back a very long way. But he'd taken Dirty Harry with him. Shit.
I tried climaxing with Madam Palm and her five daughters, but I was getting nowhere fast. In desperation, I opened the fridge and took out a cucumber. It wasn't one of those big cucumbers either, it was one of those small ones, about the length of my palm, but with the girth of a dill pickle. And it was cold, even after I warmed it up with my hand. Any port in a storm, I thought, going at it. It just about did the trick.
It was a good lesson to learn though. It hammered home the fact that unless I am a bit more giving in bed I will be forced to masturbate with cold, midget cucumbers.
Just out of interest, what's the stupidest thing you've ever masturbated with?
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?