Monday, October 01, 2007

Keeping It Real

Vi just did a post about how soft core porn films have a certain formula and go along in a way that (surely??) most people do not climax from:

It's always the same.

Woman undresses.

Man touches woman's boobs, but doesn't suck them.

Woman always shown full frontal.

Man goes in between woman's legs, and pretends to lick.

Woman has instant orgasm.

Woman then hops on man, cowboy style.

Man then turns her over and does her doggy style.

Then they 'o' together.

And that's it.

Do they ever show the man's penis? NEVER! Geez, you see more penis on BBC after watershed!

How the hell can you get turned on by watching a guy PRETEND to hump a woman?

Well said, Vi!

I just saw the movie, 2 Days in Paris, which is quite funny. A well established couple, made up of a French woman (Julie Deply) and an American man (Adam Goldberg) live in New York and are travelling around Europe. They end up in Paris, where the woman is originally from, and much to the boyfriend's horror, every male friend the woman bumps into is an ex-lover. Well, he had no idea she had so many ex-lovers, and she hadn't even mentioned most of them, and well, the trip mainly makes the boyfriend realize that he doesn't really know anything much about his girlfriend at all.

But what's unusual about the film is that basically the sex is realistic, albeit in a an awful but funny way.

Sex Scene 1:

In Paris:

Scene: the couple is under the covers. The guy says:

"This condom is too fucking small for my dick."

Girl: "You said that in Italy too. In Italy the condom was too small too."

"I can't help it if in Europe they make condoms for gnomes."

They don't manage to laugh it off. Sex aborted.

Sex Scene 2:

The couple are having sex, the girl gets on top.

Guy: "Why do you always have to go on top?"

Girl: "Because I like to go on top. It's how I can come the easiest."

Guy: "Yeah, it's how you like it. But what about me? Maybe I don't get that much out of it. For all the talk about men see women as objects and and use their bodies for their own gratification, what I'd like to say is, fuck that. It's crap. The only emphasis these days is on the penis and how the woman can use it in any way she likes to get off. All that matters is the female orgasm!"

Girl gets off him: "Okay, I don't want to have sex any more. You've rejected me. I feel rejected. Do you know how it feels when a guy rejects you?"

Those scenes are realistic I think, if you are in a bit of a shitty relationship. But what got me was that those were the only two sex scenes shown and were meant to be representative of this couple's relationship. And I couldn't help thinking, if this is what the sex is like for them after two years, then why are they still together? Usually after being together that long, the sex gets better, because you are less self-conscious and able to communicate what you want. Still, it was good to see some realistic sex scenes.

And now I'm thinking of the hottest realistic sex scene I saw in a mainstream movie. It was in Sea of Love with Ellen Barkin and Al Pacino. Barkin takes Pacino home and grinds him up against a wall. He's facing the wall and he's clothed and she's half undressed, and she rubs her groin against his arse and rubs her naked legs up and down his clothed legs and whispers, "Is this what you want? Is it?" while he's breathless with desire. And she undresses him slowly, just grinding her body all over him. Aah, it is so steamy, that scene. Wow!

All of which leads me to ask, what's the most erotic sex scene you ever saw in a mainstream movie, and also, what's the stupidest (most unrealistic) way you ever saw a woman orgasm in a porno (i.e. from a man brushing a feather over her nipples etc.)?


Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

My favourite sex scene is from Dirty Dancing, it's really quite tame, but it's the way Patrick Swayze leaves the bed and Baby reaches out to him. I was very young and I think i nearly creamed my pants, wishing it was me pulling Patrick into my bed!

The worst soft porn turn on? I reckon the one I saw that I posted about. I mean can a two women come just by lightly touching their pussies together?

No one still hasn't answered that question for me!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Name of the Rose. Valentina Vargas seduces virgin monk Christian Slater while mewing like a cat. I have no idea how realistic it was, but it looked damned good. Slater later claimed that he did actually lose his virginity in that scene.

bittersweet me said...

The Piano, when Harvey Keital finds the hole in her stocking as she plays for him. I ache, watching that, although not necessarily realistic!

I remember that scene in Name of the Rose - very hot. And Sea of Love; such a sexy movie, just listening to the soundtrack is arousing.

For visual porn, and just getting off, well, i much prefer girl on girl action, every time.

Manuel said...

Opening scene from Betty Blue, and well most of Betty Blue. Fuck that is a great movie.......

Angela-la-la said...

Shit, shit, shittily shitness. It's been at least ten years since I watched Sea of Love and I simply don't have any excuse! That is one damn bloody hot movie - and not just 'cos I'd do Pacino even if he was two decades dead!

The absolute worst sex scene I ever watched was that Annabel Chong bird who went for the gang bang record as some kind of *cough* feminist statement *cough* and tried to make it look like she was having multiplex orgasms for the sake of the multiple film crews.

After that any future career she hoped for (even and, maybe especially, acting) was just as fucked as all her other orifices were, the silly daft bint.

nikki said...

i can't even think of a mainstream movie with a good sex scene, but i don't watch many movies. for porn, the worst scene was one i witnessed where the female was taking it anally and somehow found a way to 'o' even though the dude hadn't laid a hand on her. i'm sorry, but last time i took it in the butt, i didn't feel inclined to 'o', although i did feel the strong urge to 'v' as in vomit.

lillipilli said...

I watched Sea of Love with my mother, so that pretty much stuffed what should have been hot for me.

Betty Boob Hug said...

the most erotic scene I saw in a mainstream film was The Piano just for the sheer brutalness of it and so animalistic, but fucking hot! and also The Fabulous Baker Boys when Michelle Pfiefer was on the piano and he slid her

I've seen quite a few of those sort porn films in hotel rooms and they are so laughable it's quite an insult!
But a funny one that stands out was in an asian porn film where the woman orgasms loudly just from another woman rubbing herself all over her back. Her back! who knew all the trigger points were in our spinal cord?!

electro-kevin said...

Most realistic sex scene has to be Fatal Attraction - the first encounter between Glen Close and Michael Douglas. Quick and intense and satisfying for both.

How I imagine sex like that would be.

I've never had an affair so wouldn't know from first hand experience.

Oh - has anyone watched the sex scene out of Team America ...

...Hot !

electro-kevin said...

Team America is a movie with puppets BTW ;-)

It includes all positions and the unexpurgated version has a pissing scene in it.


Tom Paine said...

Tag, you're it.

All mainstream sex is unrealistic. And most porn is boring and unrealistic. The best sex films are Tony Comstock's because he uses real people who are in relationships.

The comment about "Team America" is spot-on. It covers every imaginable combination, sort of like porn these days.

EmmaK said...

vi...I've never seen Dirty Dancing, simply because I cannot for the life of me see what anyone could find attractive about Patrick Swayze, no offence Vi.

And come on now, of course two women can't come just by lightly touching their pussies together. Not that I've ever tried it like, but I don't think they could.

gorilla bananas....That Slater/Vargas coupling sounds like a sexy scene. Although the scene I'd love to see is of a 60 year old Austrian woman in a cavewoman bikini seducing a hapless but very literary gorilla. Do you think that will ever make it onto celluloid or do you think the world is simply not ready for cross-species porn?

bittersweet me....The Piano and the hole in the tights...funny that you found that a turn on...i found that whole movie pretentious and daft. I can see how it was meant to be a turn on but it didn't do it for me....but as for girl on girl in porn. YES YES YES!!

manuel...Betty Blue. Wow. Yes, that opening shot where she's fucking. That Beatrice Dalle is one hot fox.

angela-la-la...Yes! That Annabel Chong bird was absolutely nuts! She said she didn't use condoms for her gang bangs because 'good sex is worth dying for'. Of course it isn't you daft mare!

I have the hots for Al Pacino too. I don't care if he is drawing his pension, I'd ride him even while he was propped up on his Zimmerframe. believe some women can orgasm from anal alone, but as you suggest, that may be just an urban myth!

lillipilli,...Oh, poor you. is there anything more creepy than sitting next to one's mother and getting aroused during the dirty bit in a film?

betty boob hug...orgasming through a back rub! hilarious! I want to see that movie.

electro-kevin...yeah, I seem to remember that sex scene in Fatal Attraction was quite hot but I couldn't really get into it because I kept fixating on the fact that Glenn Close had such an ugly looking perm.

Going off to order Team America.

Tom Paine...Those films by Tom Comstock sound intriguing...will check them out.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Have you seen that HBO series "Tell Me You Love Me" yet? That's some of the frankest sex I've ever seen on telly, penises and graphic blow-jobs and everything. But it's still not that realistic - the man and woman always come at the same time, which seems about the right length of time for a man but not nearly long enough for the woman to be realistic.

I was all settled in with my glass of wine for a steamy evening of televisual stimulation - because I thought, hey, there's a proper story to this, the audience will care, the sex will therefore be hotter - but I was left strangely unmoved. Puzzling. Maybe I need to watch another episode.

I'm with Nanas, The Name of The Rose was an incredible sex scene. Also, Ralph Fiennes and Julianne Moore in The End of The Affair. And last Tango in Paris was just hotter than fuck, no pun intended. Alan Rickman in An Awfully Big Adventure was mesmerizing in his sex scenes as usual despite the unsettling twist at the end of the film which coloured the whole thing icky.

Porn just bores me usually, so I never watch it. I definitely need a story before onscreen sex moves me at all. Like, the sex has to be almost incidental for the story, in order to become central in your mind, if you see what I'm saying. I consider that a handicap. It would be brilliant to get all steamed up from regular porn but I just don't. None of the people seem real in any way. It's just mechanics.

Anonymous Boxer said...

The scene in Witness when Harrison Ford FINALLY beds Kelly McGillis.

Bad? All porn and anything with Demi Moore coming.

Misssy M said...

The sex scene in "Don't Look Now" between Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland is pretty good for a lot of reasons. It is interspersed with moments of them getting ready to go to dinner showing them as a many years married couple.

Tyhe only thing wrong with it is Sutherland's haircut which is awful.

captain corky said...

There's a great scene in an episode of Big Love where Bill Henrickson (Bill Paxton) gets into a fight with his 1st wife Barb, who won't have sex with him to prove a point, so he goes over to his third wife's house, Margene and winds up getting a blow job from her. Bill's second wife gets jealous when she sees Bill head towards Margen's house after the fight he had with his first wife. I then asked my wife if I could get a Margene. She didn't like that too much. Great stuff.

EmmaK said... good to see you back in the blogosphere. I missed you!

Alan Rickman in An Awfully Big Adventure. Yes. YES YES! But let's face it, Alan Rickman could be sexy doing a voiceover for incontinence pants!

Also, regarding porn, it is really only a turn on if you are having sex with your partner while you are watching it, otherwise it is mainly a great big yawn.

anonymous boxer..I never saw Witness but it sounds like it is worth checking out.

misssy m...oh yeah, I forgot about that scene in Don't Look Now. That is absolutley smoking hot. So rumour has it, Christie and Sutherland were lovers in real life at the time the movie was shot, and were really having sex in the scene and when the director shouted 'Cut!' they just kept on going. Don't know if that story is true though.

captain corky...thanks for the tip. I don't get HBO but I will try getting this series on DVD.

Steph said...

I don't think I really have a sad. The worst? The whole ice cube scene in 9 and a half weeks. It just didn't do it for me....I think it was the male lead,what's his name? Ugly mofo!

EmmaK said...

steph...actually I thought Mickey Rourke was quite sexy in 9 1/2 Weeks, in a sleazy way! He's gone to the dogs since though. These days he looks like he's had a cut price bargain basement facelift and hair plugs/collagan implants done by a dodgy doctor in Thailand.

having my cake said...

I adore that scene from Sea of Love. I even wrote my own version of it for Ruf... must dig it out and ask him if he'll allow me to share it with my Reader.

I watched Team America with my teen. We were both hysterical over the 'sex' scene. And it sure made clearing out the Barbies, Ken's and ActionMen to take to the bootsale a lot more fun a few weeks later.

Annabel Chong just made me feel sad for her.

I love the Kelly McGillis/Tom Cruise thing from Top Gun. The sex scene itself was very forgettable as they had little chemistry but I love the way they fitted it to the song (Berlin, Take my Breath Away) and again for the music, Cruise but this time with Kidman in Days of Thunder (Maria McKee, Show Me Heaven) when she shoves him up against that wall :)

But probably the one that is standing out for me at the moment, so to speak, is Russell Crowe and Kim Basinger in LA Confidential. She's so delicate and, in his rolled up shirtsleeves and muscles, he's just so....... rough.