I am not usually one who demands legislation on basic human rights. For example, until Saturday night, I did not believe that people over the age of sixty should be banned from smoking dope, but now I do. I'm going to come straight out and say it, most people over sixty are too embarrassing to be doing this shit. Okay, okay, maybe I am just talking about my mother, who is sixty-one, but how would you feel if your mum scored some weed at your party?
My party, which I threw on Saturday night, was quite successful i.e. no one got food poisoning and I didn't get drunk and scream at my mother. I'm not sure if my mum was drunk. She says she wasn't, but anyhow, at some point in the evening she's giggling at the back of the garden in the dark with my mate Karl (who, at forty-two, must have appeared like a toy boy to her). Then she starts sounding off to me that Karl and his wife, Barbara, have invited her, me and the kids to their house Tuesday night, where, after dinner, we are all going to sit in their open air hot tub and smoke joints.
"It is so exciting!" she squawked. "Karl has said he will get me some marijuana!"
Right mum, please shut up. This is so embarrassing. First rule of matters of scoring weed, do not get all excited about it because, well, just don't. Next, my husband John gets angry, saying he doesn't necessarily want my mother or me getting stoned near the kids. I suppose he has a point, but since she's been here she's lost no opportunity to one up him, and now tells him, "You are so square. It's just a bit of fun!"
Okay. Then we bump into Karl in the street today, who tells her he has scored the stuff. Then even he starts to look embarrassed because she's gushing away going, "Ooh, how wonderful! It will be such tremendous fun to get high!"
Later she tells me, "Karl is so keen to smoke with me. See how quickly he got hold of the stuff!"
What? The guy's house smells like a dope cloud. He did not just rush out to get it for you, I wanted to tell her, he probably has it delivered along with his morning paper. But I kept my gob shut.
The woman has no shame and I fear we are going to get into a rather embarrassing scenario Tuesday night. Now, I can't roll joints very well, and I'm not very cool, but you don't puff on a joint and wax lyrical about it, or like the last time my mum smoked in my company, cry, "This isn't doing anything for me! Is it doing anything for you Emma?"
All of which has made me thing about starting a campaign called No Pot for Pensioners, getting some signatures and sending it off to Bush. What do you think?
And meanwhile, Tuesday night. If my mother asks me to give her a blowback in the hot tub, I think I will have to top myself.
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?