Monday, October 08, 2007

No Pot for Pensioners


I am not usually one who demands legislation on basic human rights. For example, until Saturday night, I did not believe that people over the age of sixty should be banned from smoking dope, but now I do. I'm going to come straight out and say it, most people over sixty are too embarrassing to be doing this shit. Okay, okay, maybe I am just talking about my mother, who is sixty-one, but how would you feel if your mum scored some weed at your party?

My party, which I threw on Saturday night, was quite successful i.e. no one got food poisoning and I didn't get drunk and scream at my mother. I'm not sure if my mum was drunk. She says she wasn't, but anyhow, at some point in the evening she's giggling at the back of the garden in the dark with my mate Karl (who, at forty-two, must have appeared like a toy boy to her). Then she starts sounding off to me that Karl and his wife, Barbara, have invited her, me and the kids to their house Tuesday night, where, after dinner, we are all going to sit in their open air hot tub and smoke joints.

"It is so exciting!" she squawked. "Karl has said he will get me some marijuana!"

Right mum, please shut up. This is so embarrassing. First rule of matters of scoring weed, do not get all excited about it because, well, just don't. Next, my husband John gets angry, saying he doesn't necessarily want my mother or me getting stoned near the kids. I suppose he has a point, but since she's been here she's lost no opportunity to one up him, and now tells him, "You are so square. It's just a bit of fun!"

Okay. Then we bump into Karl in the street today, who tells her he has scored the stuff. Then even he starts to look embarrassed because she's gushing away going, "Ooh, how wonderful! It will be such tremendous fun to get high!"

Later she tells me, "Karl is so keen to smoke with me. See how quickly he got hold of the stuff!"

What? The guy's house smells like a dope cloud. He did not just rush out to get it for you, I wanted to tell her, he probably has it delivered along with his morning paper. But I kept my gob shut.

The woman has no shame and I fear we are going to get into a rather embarrassing scenario Tuesday night. Now, I can't roll joints very well, and I'm not very cool, but you don't puff on a joint and wax lyrical about it, or like the last time my mum smoked in my company, cry, "This isn't doing anything for me! Is it doing anything for you Emma?"

All of which has made me thing about starting a campaign called No Pot for Pensioners, getting some signatures and sending it off to Bush. What do you think?

And meanwhile, Tuesday night. If my mother asks me to give her a blowback in the hot tub, I think I will have to top myself.

24 comments:

madamspud169 said...

You should be pleased your mom is so much younger than her years & let's face it it's only a bit of pot. My mum has done this too & even though we both decided afterwards that never ever again would we........... I can't regret the memories. It's something I will always remember my oh so wise mom giggling like a schoolgirl.

jeanie said...

I can never even imagine my mother smoking pot! She would have to unpurse her lips to do that.

ha ha ha to the previous post also.

Steph said...

Your mum got stoned??? Wow, will she adopt me?

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

When I was 12, I had the joy of witnessing my mum and her friends sitting around the pool getting high. Well, they thought they were. Mum's friend ask her to roll the J, it was hash. Mum dropped it and couldn't find it, so rolled some dirt in it instead. Everyone is giggling away... on nothing!

Peach said...

dip it in some acid...

EmmaK said...

madamspud169....I don't need her to be an old fuddy duddy with blue rinsed hair but she is just embarassing. I suppose other people might think she is cool though.

jeanie...I don't care if my mum smokes pot but it is her making such a pallaver about it that gets under my skin.

Steph...ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC? I don't know if she would adopt you but you are welcome to adopt her. I am packaging her up as we speak and posting her off to you. Keep her for as long as you like.

Vi...That is totally hilarious.

peach....
dip it in some acid
Ooh you are bad. Don't tempt me!!!

Amy said...

It's better than my Mum, who has been convinced since I was 15 that every man I dated was more interested in her than me. Talk about embarrassing.

So revel in her pot-headedness, and just hope she doesn't make a play for your friend. hehe

EmmaK said...

amy....
Unfortunately, like in your case, my mother also thought every boyfriend I ever had was more interested in her than in me. Also, the other day she said, "I could seduce John (my husband) if I wanted to."

In any case, tonight should be interesting!

electro-kevin said...

My Mum got stoned too !

She was undergoing therapy on her back (residential) and the younger people there all smoked it. She's in her sixties and it was a treat to visit her and see her in the gardens sitting round with youngsters like she was an old hippy - a more Women's Institute type you couldn't wish to meet. The other patients adored her. Everyone loves my Mum.

xx

Misssy M said...

I know your Mum is driving you nuts but I am just loving the posts concerning her.

My Mum tried a joint once with my brother and my Dad went to bed in the huff, he was so disgusted with her.

EmmaK said...

electro-kevin....Your mum sounds sweet. I don't mind the oldies smoking it just if they are excruciatingly embarassing about it.

misssy m....Writing it all down helps me let off steam! She leaves on Friday.

Glamourpuss said...

There are cases where matricide is permissable, and I think you may have one.

Puss

Gorilla Bananas said...

She's a feisty old bird, but she shouldn't do drugs in front of her grandchildren. Is she familiar with the cinematic work of Mr Russ Meyer? I would have cast her in one of those films.

TK Kerouac said...

hi emmak
I'm going private, if you'd like an invite, email me at tkkerouac@gmail.com
momtheminx

having my cake said...

OMG, Im going to stop chatting up the teenage Miss Cake's young men as of now and go find myself some drugs to shock her with...

Cham said...

Your mother seems almost cool. My mother calls me a slut if I am not wearing long sleeves and a high collar. (Naturally, I get called a slut a lot). Be grateful for what you have.

Anonymous Boxer said...

First rule about fight club.

Don't talk about fight club.

I was cringing,laughing,cringing,laughing while reading this post.

I think I ended with laughing.
Sorry.

Al Sensu said...

"I can't roll joints very well, and I'm not very cool, but you don't puff on a joint and wax lyrical about it."

You are definitely not very cool. Newsflash: no-one rolls joints anymore. Use a bowl or these cute little metal pipe thingies. And for godsake, don't take more than a couple of hits. This shit's strong. That's why is costs $30 for AN EIGHTH when we used to pay that for an ounce.

But, hell, let the old lady puff as much as she wants. She will be sure to pass out.

Betty Boob Hug said...

oh my gosh, this post made me laugh. If she was anyone else's mumma you might think she was pretty cool or even quaintly quirky - but I fully understand about not wanting your mum to talk about scoring joints and playing round in the hot tub blowing puffs of dope clouds.

Oh god love her though, she sounds like a hoot ;)

EmmaK said...

glamourpuss....I knew you'd understand. Thanks for your support.

gorilla bananas...don't think I haven't shed a tear at the fact you desire my mum more than me. My all time favorite film is Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and Russ Meyer is one of my favorite directors. And I (used to be) the type to strip at parties and dance on tables, not my mum. Although I suppose I have become more square than she now, so she shall be your bride (sob)

Having My Cake...See, you now have a way of bribing her to behave. If she doesn't do what you say you will be sitting in the front room when she's round with her mates. You will be wearing nothing, tell her, and smoking a bong, and giggling.

cham...actually she is pretty cool. I have actually become more square than she is over time, which is wierd.

anonymous boxer....actually she did get stoned last night but only had two joints and conseqently didn't embarass me too much.

al sensu...Ha ha...I know I am not cool. I was never cool when it came to pot. Also when I was thirteen, a friend and I roasted toothpaste under the grill and rolled it because someone had told us it was a cheap way to get high. That's how sad I am al sensu! I couldn't cope with today's strong weed.

EmmaK said...

betty boob hug...she is a hoot but she's mean too. She's like, "I know you couldn't cope with smoking all this weed because you're such a lightweight." Which is just not nice!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Oh god, I laughed so much reading this I nearly choked. I so want to know what happened!

Al sensu, you gotta love the clear skins. 100% cellulose.

EmmaK said...

benefitscroungingscum....How it turned out? Mum smoked a couple of joints and kept saying she needed more, she was not getting high enough. But then Barbara's husband came home and confiscated the bag of weed or else I think they would have smoked the lot.

BenefitScroungingScum said...

Oh dear, sounds like crap weed but a lucky escape for you Emma!