The E-Spot is a problem page for people who are tired of the wishy-washy pscychobabble of Dr Phil. Please email me your problem at emma.theespot@[remove]gmail.com (please say if you wish to remain anonymous).
I don't wanna reveal my name because I'm an heiress and kinda a role model to young girls everywhere. Hang on a sec, let me get my chihuahua Banjo out from between my legs. Where woz I?
I don't want to be boastful, but I am one of the most beautiful women of all time. I even had a blow up sex doll created after me which was an honor, so now guys can masturbate over me (I did a sex tape once), as well as in me. I am also an incredibly successful business woman whose latest project is launching a nightclub called Skank which will be the concept Moulin Rouge meets Manhattan. I also do a lot of work for charity and run an orphanage for brain damaged dogs who are too dangerous to be kept as pets.
So where is my problem? Everyone is always saying I was born with a silver stool in my mouth and that's how I got to be so famous. I never get that, how can you get a stool in your mouth? Anyways ....Banjo, stop chewing my toe! Banjo's one of the brain damaged chihuahuas I rescued from the dog orphanage. When I'm feeling lonely, I put a doggy treat on my lady parts and he licks and chews at it for hours. Sometimes he goes nuts and bites but usually he's a great little pet. Where woz I?
I wanna have a high flying career but don't know what to choose. After I saw this pic I kinda thought it might be cool to be an astronaught but then I heard the costumes aren't really that neat and also you have to wear a diaper when you're up in space to stop your shit flying about. They must eat really light crispbread up there so as your turds fly in the air, but anyways, I didn't feel like wearing diapers under my micro-mini skirt, so that was out. But what I am trying to say is, what kind of career do you think I am suited to? I don't mind studying. I have a real big brain and I wanna use it not just my body.
I would love to have a really hot career like all you normal people. I really want to give back to society. I am crying here. Can you help me?
[To all you bloggers out there: PLEASE SEND ME YOUR IDEAS FOR A CAREER FOR MS STILTON. I AM AT A LOSS HERE...]
Dear Ms Stilton,
Many bloggers have given their input on this. And I am still asking people to send in their ideas for a suitable career for you.
But a couple of thoughts have occured to me. Firstly, I believe a career as a performance artist is in your future. The artist Allen Jones previously created the works below from fibreglass, but I believe your ability to do nothing and look vacuous for hours, as well as your shapely legs, would mean that you could earn a great deal of money being a living sculpture. I suggest you start practising by getting into the following positions:
(NB: This one can be performed with your sister):
Suggested title: Nicky and Paris Always Threw the Best Cocktail Parties
Suggested title: When Alec flew first class he always sat on Paris' Seat
If being a living work of art does not appeal, a blogger called Electro-Kevin has said he will pay you to clean his house in a kinky costume. I have already taken the liberty of designing an outfit for you:
I think both these careers would greatly enrich your life and bring pleasure to millions, thereby allowing you to give back to society in a charitable capacity.
Ranting with The Lounge
1 hour ago