I've Got A Crush On You

If anyone ever asks me how many people I've slept with I get a bit confused on the numbers. Because I've slept with literally hundreds. In my head. Crushes, they call them. Man, those fantasy guys really know what they're doing in the sack! I still get crushes now, although I'm a bit long in the tooth for all that, but ho hum, I'm not hurting anyone am I?

There's this teacher at my daughter's school who's obsessed with Simon le Bon and goes to as many Duran Duran concerts in America as she can afford. I think that's a bit sad, quite frankly. I never fancied Duran the first time round. All that makeup they wore, it would have ended up all over your pillow, wouldn't it? Thanks but no thanks.

I suppose it would be fun to go to a Duran Duran concert if only to laugh at the desperate middle aged women wearing flourescent eyeliner shouting: "Over here Simon!" and throwing their panties at him.

There was quite a funny post done by a woman here, who is a journalist. She was recently sent to interview Duran Duran after one of their concerts and she was quite excited because she'd had a massive crush on all of them in her youth. She got a thrill out of talking to John Taylor and having a few girls give her the evil eye as they wondered if she was his girlfriend.

But the odd thing about her post was that she was surprised that when she interviewed Simon le Bon that he didn't have much in the way of a brain. I don't know why that would surprise anyone. From the amount of coke they all took in the eighties I'm surprised that any of them still have their nasal passages, let alone their brains, intact.

Simon always seemed like such a prat, and still is, judging from this:

“Simon’s still prone to going off on benders,” Nick Rhodes said (in a recent interview) with a shrug, “which is frustrating when we’ve got work to do. But it’s difficult for him, chiefly because he is Simon Le Bon. Simon loves people, he loves to socialize. It’s what he does.”

My best (and most futile) crush ever, was during a period between 14 and 16 when I had a crush on my friend's brother's mate Jake. He was literally draw droppingly gorgeous. Blonde, strong jawline, tall, sexy. We'd often bump into him at clubs. And the worst thing was he had a crush on me too! I mean, he had told his friend I was hot. All we ever did was pass each other a joint or occasionally shout something over the music which neither of us could understand. I had a crush on him for two fucking years! He deflowered me every night in my head. He was older and more mature. Seventeen!! Why didn't you ask me out Jake? Why???? He later became an actor so maybe it was for the best. His work schedule would have been irregular, his paychecks small etc etc.

Where was I? I'm trying to remember some famous crushes from my youth. My top three were:

1. Paul King from the band King. I'd do him now although I'm not sure about the mullet.



2. David Bowie. My friends and I spent many, many hours reviewing a VHS of The Man Who Fell To Earth which has a half second still of Bowie's penis. It's not very big actually. But I'd do him now, except, oh yeah, he's married and about sixty. Actually to be honest I wouldn't do him now. Unless you're interested Dave. If so, give me a bell.



3. Rupert Everett. I'd do him now, except, oh yeah, he's gay. I was in love with him for about five years. Thanks for wasting my time Rupert. You could have told me you were a chutney ferret!

Okay, dish. Who did you have a crush on when you were a teen: male, female, animal, mineral, famous, alive or dead? And would you still do 'em now?