So my husband is home from work today due to a chest infection. His asthma is playing up and he keeps coughing up brown stuff. So, once the kids were at school I said, "Hey, how about I give you a full body massage and then you ride me into next week?"
He said, "Yeah, I could, but I'd only be able to thrust for about five minutes and then I'd have to stop to take a puff on my inhaler."
I thought about it. And frankly, there is no way that wheezing is erotic.
"Okay, no, forget it. It would be like fucking an old guy."
"Something to look forward to," he said with a wink.
What's that line from The Who?
I hope I die before I get old.
So, since it looks like there's going to be a sex drought for a while, I decided to get some tips from a truly mindblowing site which give you lots of fun and cheap ways to make your own sex toys.
Although I must say, this idea for autofellatio was particularly disturbing: Step 1: Lube up some PVC pipe
Note, this could be dangerous, proceed with caution: Take a piece of pvc pipe insulation and cut it the right length to fit your dick. It should be tight so no air will leak out.
Step 2: Pump and suck
Start pumping your dick and suck on pipe at the same time until you're really to cum. Or keep going, if you'd like a taste.
Being something of a cucumber enthusiast, I feel like I'm ready to take it to the next level. But this is advanced stuff, and I think even Martha Stewart would feel a bit intimidated when working on this craft project:
This creation was inspired by a reader who suggested inserting a cucumber dildo into a melon base so it could be "ridden". We've gone one better and added vibration and a second ridged cucumber for clit or anal stimulation. Cut two holes in a melon a couple of inches apart. Size the holes so that your cucumbers will fit in snugly. Cut a few inches off the end of a cucumber, carve ridges into the surface, and hollow out the base to fit a bullet vibrator. Cut a small notch in the base to accommodate the wire when the piece is inserted. Fit the bullet in place and insert the cuke section into one of the holes, then push the other whole cucumber into place in the other. This can be ridden facing either direction, with the vibrating element pressing against the clit or anal area.
This site is totally inspirational and is an example of how taking huge quantities of acid can produce ideas that can actually help people get off and make the world a better place.
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?