So my husband is home from work today due to a chest infection. His asthma is playing up and he keeps coughing up brown stuff. So, once the kids were at school I said, "Hey, how about I give you a full body massage and then you ride me into next week?"
He said, "Yeah, I could, but I'd only be able to thrust for about five minutes and then I'd have to stop to take a puff on my inhaler."
I thought about it. And frankly, there is no way that wheezing is erotic.
"Okay, no, forget it. It would be like fucking an old guy."
"Something to look forward to," he said with a wink.
What's that line from The Who?
I hope I die before I get old.
So, since it looks like there's going to be a sex drought for a while, I decided to get some tips from a truly mindblowing site which give you lots of fun and cheap ways to make your own sex toys.
Although I must say, this idea for autofellatio was particularly disturbing:
Step 1: Lube up some PVC pipe
Note, this could be dangerous, proceed with caution: Take a piece of pvc pipe insulation and cut it the right length to fit your dick. It should be tight so no air will leak out.
Step 2: Pump and suck
Start pumping your dick and suck on pipe at the same time until you're really to cum. Or keep going, if you'd like a taste.
Being something of a cucumber enthusiast, I feel like I'm ready to take it to the next level. But this is advanced stuff, and I think even Martha Stewart would feel a bit intimidated when working on this craft project:
Cucumber-Melon Ball
This creation was inspired by a reader who suggested inserting a cucumber dildo into a melon base so it could be "ridden". We've gone one better and added vibration and a second ridged cucumber for clit or anal stimulation. Cut two holes in a melon a couple of inches apart. Size the holes so that your cucumbers will fit in snugly. Cut a few inches off the end of a cucumber, carve ridges into the surface, and hollow out the base to fit a bullet vibrator. Cut a small notch in the base to accommodate the wire when the piece is inserted. Fit the bullet in place and insert the cuke section into one of the holes, then push the other whole cucumber into place in the other. This can be ridden facing either direction, with the vibrating element pressing against the clit or anal area.
This site is totally inspirational and is an example of how taking huge quantities of acid can produce ideas that can actually help people get off and make the world a better place.
See ya, I'm off to the produce section.
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33 comments:
Oh EmmaK, where do you find these things? I swear The Husband will be on his way up the stairs to find out why I am cackling like an old witch and he will not be amused by the pictures currently on screen...
Still, they are very much in line with my own Eco-Cheapskating philosophies, and I am seriously impressed. I might suggest it to some of the 'green' parenting publications I read - they could do with featuring something other than breastfeeding, cotton nappies and 'build your own yurt' articles. This should do it...
my eyes are watering, and it is not just because of the wheezing.
Mrs Kaufmann, haven't you got a discreet butcher that could give you a bull's pizzle?
melissaria....I have my sources for obscene vegetable pornography and I'm not going to share, sorry.
bittersweet me....your eyes are watering because you're sitting on the cucumber-melon ball aren't you? The contraption takes some getting used to, just stay with it.
johnny huxley...I fail to see what use a bull's pizzle would be to me if it had been detached from the bull. Maybe I am being naive here, but wouldn't it be like pleasuring oneself with a lambchop or something, dead meat and a bit of a stinking turn off etc?
Is it just me, or does that melon have a look that is vaguely
surprised ?
If chap has manflu, blow him. Good things will happen to you when he is better
gumpher.....I'm only messing about. I can go a few days without sex and I'm not really going to make a melon vibrator. Yeah I might blow him but I don't want to give him a heart attack. Yeah, I'm that good :P
Now, those are the kind of melon balls you need to liven up a menu.
It's doctors, isn't it?
Those people love nothing more than to regale a crowd with tales of vegetables and/or household objects they have extracted from orifices. And the excuses used to explain them!
Hard to get fresh veg from my local supermarket. Now I know why.
HAHAHAH, oh GOOD LORD did I laugh. This is so funny. Who thinks of this?!
And I very much understand about holding off on the sex with your asthma-ridden husband. When my asthma plays up I wheeze and snort and cough up phlegm and you know, it's not exactly a crowd pleaser.
Hope he gets better soon (for you!)
Great. I can hardly sew a button on a pair of pants. Now I have to feel inadequate about not Martha Stewarting my own sex toys. But you made me laugh so hard I'M gonna have an asthma attack.
Good lord... and, hey, if you do it regularly, you can compost when you're done (which will help you grow more veggies in the spring).
lol...That's kinda funny. Why not just rig the bullet to stay on top of the melon? lol...
Things are about to get so much more amusing for ER workers the world over.
How funny.
Sad that we can have perfectly sexy partners and still resort to such things.
I wanted one of those Fleshlight thingies - a pot with a latex sleeve in it to simulate a vagina. Too bloody expensive at £40 (over $80) so I've been on ebay for a second hand one.
'Eeew!' I hear you say. Well my wife wasn't a virgin when I met her either.
That melon! Those cucumbers! It's like Bob The Builder gone XXXX.
Yo ho ho, Green Giant - is all that enters my head when I see that.
STOP giving me ideas, Emma, I'm going to end up in casualty getting emabarrassing things removed! lol
Emma, you have a point and well made. What was I thinking? Maybe I should go easy on the laughing gas.
... mind you watching a woman sculpting and constructing such a deranged device for her sexual gratification, might be similarly troubling.
That's too freaking funny, good thing I'm alone at the moment, they'd be coming after me with nets- cuz I'm laughing like a mad-man. You know, the ones that come up with these things, and have the time to do it!!
As for wheezy, blow jobs cure illness, didn't you know?
luka...Good idea! I'll serve these melon balls at my next dinner party.
melissaria...actually I only ever heard ER doctors talk about lightbulbs and glass ketchup bottles, not vegetables...maybe the veg fetishists live in England :)
overnight editor....This site was certainly an eyeopener. I never knew there were so many odd uses for melons.
betty boob hug.....I'm not sure I'd recommend making/using any of the implements on this site...especially the one about putting your penis down a tube. A recipe for disaster I should imagine.
moi...I'm just trying to raise the bar...why use a storebought dildo when you can hand craft your own from a melon?
blowing up shit with gas...that's actually a very practical idea. Thanks.
the erotic couple...good idea. I will research that.
moobs...I urge my readers: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. I only mentioned the site as an example of something hilarious!
electro-kevin...before you part with your hard earned cash to purchase a used plastic vagina PLEASE go to the homemade sex toys site where there is an idea (seriously) of wrapping your dick in bubble wrap and then squirting it full of baby oil. I should imagine it would do the trick.
sam....I would absolutely love to meet the comedians/acid heads who put together this site!
vi vi voom....Let me know which ones you tried out!
johnny huxley.....
watching a woman sculpting and constructing such a deranged device for her sexual gratification, might be similarly troubling.
I hope you don't think that I am actually here carving such a thing. I simply don't have the talent for it. Not that I'm not deranged mind you ...;)
sailor....I don't think he is even up for a blow job. If he goes up the stairs he gets out of breath. I will give him a hot compress though.
You are a very, very, creative woman.
lol, how exciting! Bookmarked and saved for a rainy day ;)
So instead of cake stalls for the kindergarden money raising effort we could have erotic toys made of organic vegetables. When you get tired of them, you eat them. Or eat something.
Emma, really !
How could you liken a roll of bubble wrap and a squirt of lube to the most Holy of Holies ? You women really don't know the power you wield over us chaps do you ?
anonymous boxer...I'm going to start a make your own erotic toys from veg circle at my local church. I'm sure many of the pensioners will be interested in using up all the courgettes they grow in their gardens.
steph....I can't see you putting together one of these vegetable monstrosities when you have your trusty old vibrating cell phone eh?
Ms Robinson...I've heard about the sorts of school fetes you lefties have in Islington. You should be ashamed of yourself, inciting erotic images in young impressionable minds.
electro-kevin...just trying to save you money. Also, the bubble wrap doesn't have to be taken out on a date, also doesn't require foreplay. Bargain.
Too late for that advice on saving money now, Honey.
I'm lashed to the giant hamster wheel for the rest of my days. For that I deserve some REAL pussy.
This is EXACTLY why I love your blog. I can always come here to learn how to liven up my solo, non-existent sex life.
You are the queen of all that is masterbatory, EmmaK!
I emailed this to a friend who had a reputation in high school for making her own masturbation implements. (She was/is an artist.) I have to say, she was highly impressed! I wouldn't be surprised if a Piggly Wiggly down in Dixie is missing a few melons and cukes right now!
Oy vey! (Tag!)
as soon as any man refuses sex he is on that downward slide toward the great abyss - nothing to look forward to but adult underwear and fibre supplements.
electro-kevin....Yes, you're lashed to the giant hamster wheel for the next forty years, but on the upside you have pussy on tap so count yourself lucky.
marcelle manhattan...yes the site is pretty inventive and its wank sculptures are no different from many pretentious conceptual exhibitions I have seen in my time!
my favorite life...thanks for tagging me honey.
idighootchandcooch...you will be glad to know he has made a sterling recovery and today got back in the saddle.
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