"Oh Sausage! How many times have I told you not to take pizza from strange squirrels!"
Disciplining kids has never been my strong point, but my four and a half year old, nickname Sausage, has got me so under the thumb that I had to do something to quash the miniature tyrant.
Yes I did try to overlook the dozens of times she has painted on walls. Also the time she drew pictures of flowers in lilac nail polish on my bed.
Excuse: "I couldn't find any paper."
She also outsmarted my mum who was staying with us recently, in a very funny incident. Sausage has this tendency to say to people suddenly, "I hate you! I don't want to be your friend any more!"
So eventually my mum got fed up with it and said back to Sausage, "Well, I hate you too! I'm fed up with you saying you hate me and I'm leaving, right now," and she pretended she was leaving, opened the front door and slamming it behind her.
Sausage proceeded to open the door and say, "Wait, wait!"
My mother turns back, thinking Sausage is going to apologise maybe, but Sausage just says, "Wait! You forgot your suitcases!"
Genius!
But her crafty little mind was not so amusing yesterday when she hid my wallet for twelve hours, driving me frantic looking for it. At six in the evening she 'found' it. When I asked her who had put it there she said, "A ghost maybe?"
At that point I lost my patience and did what any sane person would.
"Right," I said, picking up the phone. "That's it. I'm calling Santa."
Sausage: "Nooooo! Don't call Santa."
"Hello? Is that Santa? He's busy? Well can I talk to one of his elves? Yes I'll hold."
Sausage, pulling at my skirt, "Nooooo!"
"Hello, am I speaking to an elf? Okay, well I need to tell you that Sausage has been misbehaving and she's not to receive any presents this year."
Sausage: "Noooooo! I'll be good. I want presents."
I put down the phone and my older daughter Scarlett said, "Wow, you talked to an elf?"
"Yeah, he had a very squeaky voice. He basically said that if Sausage is not nice between now and Christmas all she's getting is a boiled egg in the end of her stocking."
Amazingly, this has worked. Sausage was very nice all day today and even made everyone breakfast. Still, twelve days to go and I am willing to follow through with the boiled egg should the situation not improve.
Those of you who are parents phone Santa and the Elves with this kind of threat don't you? I feel very smug that I have at last outwitted Sausage.
For now.
Also, to see me as an elf or to go elf yourself go here.
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26 comments:
I've been threatening my 4 yr old with me talking to Santa &/or loss of presents since December began and it's still working WOO HOO
You look considerably better in that elf outift than Edwina does in a black dress.
You are an evil, bitch mother.
And I love you all the more for it.
I used to 'call' the children's home back when my three were under seven. Now they're teens I've had to change tack so I call the mental ward.
For me, and for real.
The day she realizes there is no Santa and you made all of this up, she's gonna be one MAD Sausage.
P.S. -she's a cutie pie.
Well that's a good start. You need a system like that for the rest of the year as well. There must be some other treats you can withhold. Maybe just have a little notebook where you put a cross by her name for every sin, which only gets rubbed out if she makes amends.
Wait, for breakfast, she didn't happen to use up all of your eggs, did she?
Good tactic; buys you time to figure out what you're going to do, when she realizes that there is no Santa, and how to avoid the revenge she's sure to try to extract!
Thank you for your communication of earlier today. Please note that your request has been actioned and that Mr Claus not be calling on 25 December
Unfortunately, due to the significant workload which Mr Claus faces at this time of year, and the resultant problems which can arise in rescheduling our delivery services due to late requests, no further amendments or modifications can be made at this time in respect of this year's Christmas present lists.
Please call early next year in respect of deliveries that may be required for December 2008
meantime, Compliments of the Season from all of us in Lapland
Frederik, Elf in Toy Deliveries, Wind-up Section, Claus Industries
AAHAHhhh the fun of raising Kids =)) Keep it in the back of your mind... wait until she is 16 going on 25 hahaha.. Well maybe not, it might keep you up at night LOL
Oh you're not the only one. The Husband and I were talking just last week about the possibility not getting involved in the whole Father Christmas thing - until we realised its major selling point (as communicated to us by many a parent of older children).
Leverage. End of discussion.
Next year, when my boy's old enough to understand, Santa will definitely be paying a visit!
madamspud169....I'm amazed I never thought of this trick before. It is simply amazingly effective.
midnight.....thank you, I do make a very fetching elf don't I? As for Edwina, I believe John Major found her to be quite the red hot chilli pepper in the sack.
angela-la-la.....I am looking forward to when my kids become teens and I can phone the mental ward with the threat "If you don't behave the men in white coats will come and take me away and you won't get any allowance to buy drugs, so there!"
anonymous boxer....she is too damned cute and she has me wrapped round her little finger for life.
gorilla bananas....I fear she is too clever, alas. She is food obsessed but even when the rest of the family is eating icecream and she can't have any because, say, she's put a teddy down the toilet, she remains unmoved and doesn't even care that she's not getting any. She is a tough Sausage to crack.
stephen...Sausage is still a few years away from frying eggs for breakfast for me. I think by nine she'll be able to do a good fry up.
Although maybe you meant eggs as a euphemism for ovaries like the chat up line: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
"Unfertilized."
Sailor...when she finds out I have been lying I am dead meat.
does it matter who I am...wow I am very impressed by Santa's level of customer service.
jstzznu....I believe I will start taking Valium when she turns thirteen.
melissaria...if your boy (as I believe he is) has no concept of time yet you can still dupe him, as I have done up until this year. You don't tell the kids what day Christmas in on thus they don't wake you at 4 am on said day to peel open your eyes and demand you get up. Also it is a surprise because they did not expect it to be christmas so they go, "Wow, presents." Unfortunately my older daughter can now read a calendar.
Nope, I meant eggs as in, well, eggs. Sometimes I take the radical step of not using euphemisms. I just figured she might have boiled, or otherwise used, all the eggs in the house, thus cunningly avoiding being given "a boiled egg" for Christmas.
Emma, that is genius. I will write it down right now, and make sure all the family are involved...on threat of getting him to ring them to say Happy Christmas as soon as he wakes up!
My mother turns back, thinking Sausage is going to apologise maybe, but Sausage just says, "Wait! You forgot your suitcases!"
I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying! Sausage is a trip! That child is gifted. For real.
i tried the same trick today.
it works!!!
hurrah for clever mummies (never mind the consequences when they realize we LIE)
emma...my god i havent laughed so hard in a long time...i have literal tears rolling down my eyes...i did something very similar with my son years ago...when he finally stopped believing in santa...i had the distinct pleasure to remind him of the incident and it was all the sweeter...his face just went blank...here he was telling me how smart he was that he figured out santa...and i brought it all back to reality for him...enjoy
Hasn't the picture changed since I last visited ?
Whatever. Great to see you having fun.
Sausage & a boiled egg? Sounds like breakfast. When I was small, the threat was always a lump of coal.
HAHAHAHAH, I too have called Santa, the Easter Bunny, Miss Tooth Fairy and various reletives/friends and even Daddy at work, to let them know we need abit of help in the discipling department and maybe they'd like to forgo any gifts/money/chocolate/special playdays that were promised?
My eldest got quite clever though and hits the redial button, catching me out. worked like a treat for a few years anyway.
Loved your story, brings back 'fun' memories :)
I think from memory, that threat only worked on me the first time. After that I realised I could be as shitful as I wanted and still get the goodies.
She sounds quick. She'll figure it out.
I have been phoning Santa for a good many years now.
It is great leading up to Xmas and I get at least one month's mileage from it after Xmas when I threaten to phone Santa and get him to come back and take the presents back as the child is being too naughty.
I really think, and I have stated this elsewhere, that we need to call our own bluff and actually deliver NO PRESENTS one year. I bet there would be some well behaved fucken kids the following year.
As for Sausage's comment to Mother, he-fucken-larious. What a classic.
it helps a little, the santa threatening thing. it won't do much good when she is a teenager though!
kira...when they are a teen...use the car...works like a charm!
I love that story!!! Nothing like calling Santa to staighten a kid out. I love it! LOL
Worked for my mum!
Such great moves, Emma.
You have a really lovely smile too and you're such fun.
;-)
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