"Oh Sausage! How many times have I told you not to take pizza from strange squirrels!"
Disciplining kids has never been my strong point, but my four and a half year old, nickname Sausage, has got me so under the thumb that I had to do something to quash the miniature tyrant.
Yes I did try to overlook the dozens of times she has painted on walls. Also the time she drew pictures of flowers in lilac nail polish on my bed.
Excuse: "I couldn't find any paper."
She also outsmarted my mum who was staying with us recently, in a very funny incident. Sausage has this tendency to say to people suddenly, "I hate you! I don't want to be your friend any more!"
So eventually my mum got fed up with it and said back to Sausage, "Well, I hate you too! I'm fed up with you saying you hate me and I'm leaving, right now," and she pretended she was leaving, opened the front door and slamming it behind her.
Sausage proceeded to open the door and say, "Wait, wait!"
My mother turns back, thinking Sausage is going to apologise maybe, but Sausage just says, "Wait! You forgot your suitcases!"
But her crafty little mind was not so amusing yesterday when she hid my wallet for twelve hours, driving me frantic looking for it. At six in the evening she 'found' it. When I asked her who had put it there she said, "A ghost maybe?"
At that point I lost my patience and did what any sane person would.
"Right," I said, picking up the phone. "That's it. I'm calling Santa."
Sausage: "Nooooo! Don't call Santa."
"Hello? Is that Santa? He's busy? Well can I talk to one of his elves? Yes I'll hold."
Sausage, pulling at my skirt, "Nooooo!"
"Hello, am I speaking to an elf? Okay, well I need to tell you that Sausage has been misbehaving and she's not to receive any presents this year."
Sausage: "Noooooo! I'll be good. I want presents."
I put down the phone and my older daughter Scarlett said, "Wow, you talked to an elf?"
"Yeah, he had a very squeaky voice. He basically said that if Sausage is not nice between now and Christmas all she's getting is a boiled egg in the end of her stocking."
Amazingly, this has worked. Sausage was very nice all day today and even made everyone breakfast. Still, twelve days to go and I am willing to follow through with the boiled egg should the situation not improve.
Those of you who are parents phone Santa and the Elves with this kind of threat don't you? I feel very smug that I have at last outwitted Sausage.
Also, to see me as an elf or to go elf yourself go here.
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?