I was at my daughter's school the other day to pick her up from after school Spanish and I felt like all the other moms were judging me. Well, okay, so I did look like a silly teenager, hair all over the shop, scuffed trainers and flared jeans (I know they went out two years ago but if I wore skinny jeans I'd look like a sausage). So I was shying away from them like, "Who are you with your double garage two minivans full time professional mommy who likes to bake cupcakes and is as dull as dishwater, who are you to judge me? I, who is oh so radical...."
When it began to dawn on me, out of the blue, that I am actually not as rad as I was. Or maybe I never was. And it made me wonder if I am part of a trend. A trend of messed up children of hippies who have now become conservative even though they fight it, kicking and screaming. Why else such a swing in American politics to the right? Are not so many right wing politicians in their forties the poor disillusioned hippie kids, expressing their pain, and trying to turn off, tune out and drop in?
How many kids, I began to wonder, were a victim of the hippie experiment, where adults were all about self fulfillment, sexual experimentation and smashing social constructs? And of course, our moms and dads were told, if you got divorced and found a new partner, of course the kids would understand, because you were happy, so your kids would be happy. Only invariably you weren't any happier in the new marriage and the kids were often not happier either.
This dawned on me this weekend when I realized I had become a conservative. What happened was that my four year old, Sausage, went on a sleepover with her friend Sally, at her mom Tiffany's house. Now Tiffany is wild, crazy and free and I love her, but when I picked up Sausage the following day, I said, "Well, she seems awfully tired." Tiffany said, "Yes, well, I put them in a tent in the sitting room in front of the TV and I guess they must have watched DVDs all night. I was woken by them fighting at 3 am and I finally went down and turned off the lights and told them it was time to go to sleep."
Before I had kids, I would have thought, what a wonderfully forward thinking way to deal with kids, to let them camp in the front room and police themselves. But now I just caught myself thinking "What were you thinking, letting two four year olds decide when to go to sleep?"
I was rather shocked at my attitude. Because I knew so many kids when I was small (I lived with my mom, my dad wasn't really around), who danced around to pan pipes all evening, naked or semi-clothed, who sat around chatting with adults until the early hours. Later the kids became teenagers and smoked dope with their parents. The parents were mostly divorced, mostly very liberal, and yet many of the children seemed lost.
And I started to think about how maybe the whole hippie business was a giant mistake. I mean, yeah, it was good that society was shaken up, but it just created a me society. Also, feminism created a me society. Yeah, it has some benefits of course, but didn't it mainly make women more selfish? The funny thing about it too is that I would argue that it hasn't made women happier than when they were tied to the kitchen stove. Freer, yes. Happier, no.
All I'm saying is I think our generation was done something of a disservice. For our parents it was all about, please yourself, find yourself. Only no one thought about what happens when you find yourself and you don't like yourself, as is so often the case.... and what your responsibilities were to the children.
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Personally I find conservativism as much of a "me" philosophy as liberalism, or any 'ism' for that matter, it merely focuses on a different medium. One side cares about breaking social norms in the name of self exploration. The other side focuses on materialism in the name of self actualization. I guess each has a price, but it's been my experience that neither is better than the other. Does that make me weird? heh.
I know the whole Hippie movement made my Mother very nervous... she was just at the end of it all and actually tried to move us (4) to Ireland in the late 60's. I had an employee who was raised by the hippies you described in your post; of course this is just one example, but she was a mess.
I am now spiritually liberal, but when it comes to my business, or my nephews.. I'm very conservative.
Oh God Lord, did I just type that?
help me.
Trying to invent a culture from scratch, rather than following a tried-and-tested tradition, is a dangerous game which we gorillas avoid. But Dr Timothy Leary was a great comedian. "Turn up, get laid, pass out" was another variant of his catch phrase.
I still thank God for feminism and all the barriers other women fought for to bring down, that I take for granted. But I fully know what you mean in this post.
Where is this cool, relaxed idealism gone that I actually HOPED I would be keeping once I became a woman in her thirties with 3 kids to raise?
My parents had me in 1974 - while there was massive social change going on in Australia against the old establishment and the new. I don't think my parents really got into it though - they fairly quickly reverted back to how their parents raised them. So we were brought up quite strict.
I see a lot of alternative parents these days though as well...especially where I used to live, up in the perth hills. And really, I just thought a lot of their ideas were dumb.
Kids do operate better on routine and predictability. They behave better when there are rules and consequences and order in the house. Not that I run it like a boarding school - but yes, in my 'old' age I do concede I am a lot more conservative now than I ever have been.
Great post, I really enjoyed reading it.
What I find intriguing, is the references that I've read about for years, that indicate that this cycle, this bursting out against our parents', as they did to theirs- is one that goes back, and back, and back.
Each generation tends to focus on the immediate past, as if there were no "rebellious teenagers" going back into history. I don't remember where I read it, so I can't give a proper citation- but there was reportedly a quote that went along the lines of "That music, your behavior is terrible, straighten up and act properly"... which was said in the 1600's or so.
So, we can all angst about the generational differences, and the pendulum cycle from socially liberal to conservative (which also changes it's goals, depending on the cause of the moment), knowing that we're upholding a grand tradition.
Now, if I could only get the kids to stop listening to that crap music.... :) :)
Great Post Emma, Thank you!
I agree with Sailor. I don't think that the 'hippies' necessarily have more messed up kids than any other group. Individual families (both conservative and liberal) have messed up kids and other families in the same groups have happy, well-adjusted kids, as has been the case through the ages.
Generally, though, I think that child-raising practices have improved over the past few centuries, to the point where children are (mostly) no longer viewed as the property of their parents. The whole concept of childhood as something special is quite recent, I think.
As far as feminism is concerned, I am very grateful for the hard won advances that have given me the freedom to choose my own life.
I think happiness is a very personal and subjective state. As adults, we are responsible for our own state of mind, I think, and shouldn't say we are unhappy because we were allowed to stay up late when we were 3.
Fantastic post, Emma. Very thought provoking.
My dear, I too, have become disillusioned with my peers. As a child of the 60's, I am left wondering "Where have all the flowers gone?" and where are those who used to sing this song?
I am conservative in appearance, because I serve government clients. After a while, they learn of my capital-L Liberal politics -- and struggle to balance that against my six proud years aboard a US Navy Submarine.
My children are grown now, but I was fiercely protective of them as children. There are ways to allow them "unfettered freedoms" while maintaining some control on what they do. As ana example, letting them camp out in front of a TV with a V-chip that blocks anything stronger than a G-rating.
Children that experience freedoms grow up with self-confidence. No matter that their choices aren't completely free; they percieve it, and they believe it.
Oh I know this one - every day I look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back - where has the cool me gone?
I was going to be that parent - then I discovered that such parenting creates monsters - I cracked down and my angel was created.
Excellent post! I'm not keen on conservatism, but I totally agree with you about the feminism part. Something hugely important to my mother and many of the women around her that their daughters would have that freedom, be professional, have it all. Except no-one ever asked us what we wanted, and if it wasn't doctor, lawyer or accountant it was unacceptable anyway. To want (gasp) a husband or children was just unspeakable.
Freedom is great, but I'm with you, it seems to have come at the price of happiness. Bendy Girl
If you are conservative there is no hope for the rest of the world :-)
I expect you look a scrummy mummy, Emma - especially with scruffy jeans and tousled hair - phwoar !
I think you may have got the dates a bit wrong here though. Wasn't it our parents who were the original hippies ?
I think that the whole of Western society is youth obsessed. That older people strive to be young and children strive to be older. That we all meet somewhere in the middle in a perpetual teenage where we would like to stay. Parents are often loath to treat their kids like children for some reason. Very confusing and not good for social cohesion.
Our politicians are chosen on how much hair they've got for Heaven's sake.
Regarding your question on my blog about me doing too much, Emma. It was the visiting and surfing that took all the time. The post on art work, for example, was done over a few days when I had spare moments.
Also I can touch type 60wpm which helps.
You take care now - and don't take no shit off those aggressive hippies.
effortlessly average.....neither is better than the other....excellent point. I suppose often I chose conservatism because it is better the devil you know rather than liberalism has experimental ideas and consequently no one knows where it will lead us.
anonymous boxer.....yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head, I must allow myself to be a schizophrenic liberal/conservative.
gorilla bananas...yeah you have to hand it to Timothy Leary, he was about fifty in the sixties and very conveniently put together a philosophy where many nubile beauties would pleasure him while he was on acid. He was no fool!
betty....please don't get the impression that I am strict with the kids. I am, within reason, i.e. don't carry hot coffee up the stairs, don't use Superglue on your eyelids. But I do use common sense and have realized that alas, kids do not police themselves, they just go nuts if left to run wild.
sailor.....I think that everyone tends to think that every generation of teenagers gets more and more wild, but as you say, it is probably only from the perspective that we are looking at youth through the eyes of middle aged people.
meva....The whole concept of childhood as something special is quite recent, I think.
I think that the concept of childhood has been taken to extremes. Many kids simply aren't taught any responsibilities and are so, so spoilt and that is bad even though it is one side of so called progress in society.
As far as feminism is concerned, I am very grateful for the hard won advances that have given me the freedom to choose my own life.....no, I know what you mean to some extent. Women are no longer the property of men, but I still do and always did feel about feminism: why the heck would anyone want to emulate the male working structure and the way men work etc. etc. It just always seemed so daft to just want to slot oneself into it when there is so much wrong with the macho work culture. Workplaces are becoming more family friendly but very slowly.
southern gentleman....I agree, kids should have freedoms balanced with structure.
jeanie...it is also terrifying that as soon as one becomes a parent one becomes like one's mother, however much one fights it!
benefitscroungingscum...that's just it. No one is allowed to say: oh I just want to be a housewife. You're considered lazy or not fulfilling your potential when maybe that is what you want to do.
conortje...I am not wholly conservative, I just have tendencies and I'm not going to fight them!
electro-kevin...Yes you are correct in your assessment, I am occasionally scrummy, and yummy. But most of the time I just look like your average Joe or Joanne.
What a brilliant post, so well written and touching on some great points.
I still wear flare jeans cos baby, the thighs are way to big for skinny jeans!! And I like to wear what I want but I still look at all the other makeup'd to the hilt, designer outfits, matching People Movers and diamond necklace wearing mothers and think, I hope they don't view me as a loser. Then I think, who fucken cares if they do, I'm not so there!! Or am I?
I am a stay at home Mum of four terrors who each, in their own little way, drive me insane and keep me sane each and every day!
I have some friends who class themselves as "REAL", they believe in past lives, still go tripping in their 50's, don't believe in Christmas, but now are also recently pledged Catholics. I find their constant search for something outside themselves to fulfill them crazy.
Shit, I am rambling but I loved this post and relate and agree wholeheartedly.
I guess I try not to let every little detail be cast in the light of liberal vs. conservative. Most would call me a moderate liberal, but I agree that leaving the kids without guidance was not very good parenting.
It's not liberal or conservative, it's just foolish.
In other words, if I think that some social programs are useful (a traditionally liberal political view) that doesn't mean I don't believe in strong parenting. I don't know why these political ideologies had to become so intertwined with our personal lives, such that a gun owner (I'm USian) feels they should align all their views with conservatives, for example.
Cheers.
What do you mean, flared jeans aren't in fashion any more?!
Actually, some of the women where I live tried out the 'skinny jeans' look when they probably shouldn't; the rest of us sat back, observed, and concluded 'bollocks to that, looks hideous'.
Definitely with you on the feminism - I first knew something had gone very wrong when I started encountering a marked frostiness from ladies of the 'Women's Lib' generation for choosing to stay at home with my boy. Looks as though the liberators are starting to become the oppressors to me...
Oh I know the feeling.
Once I was cool...I really was!
Excellent post Emma! Lots of things to think about.
I was 18 in 1979 and had my first chance to vote and my first chance to vote for a woman. At that time Margaret Thatcher was something of a hero. In later years when I didnt know who the hell to vote for because they were pretty much all the same non-descripts with non-politics, I was tempted not to vote. However, I could hear my female forebears strong in my head berating me for willingly giving up a freedom for which they had fought so hard. So I always voted.
As a child, I can remember sitting with my sister in the car outside the pub with a bottle of pineapple and a straw whilst my parents were inside having a beer and a morning coffee. Our lives revolved around what our parents wanted to do.
As a parent, I find myself sitting in the cold darkness of my car for an hour outside the home of the guitar teacher whilst my child has her lesson. Our lives revolve around what our children want.
We seem to be stuck in an unhappy middle ground where so many parents want to be 'friends' with their kids and are afraid to enforce any type of rules upon them for fear of interfering with their social nurturing and civil liberties. But the truth is that kids need some sort of structure in their lives. In order to become responsible citizens, they need to learn about conformity as well as about personal freedom and it is a very difficult learning curve for a parent in these politically correct days.
The very fact that groups of teenagers feel it is acceptable to berate and accost pensioners who try to remonstrate with them over their behaviour shows that something is going sadly wrong with our society.
I think I said it somewhere else a while ago, but we seem to be creating a culture far removed from the Star Trek Tradition of the one sacrificing himself for the future of the many. In today's world, the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many and material possessions are king.
But then let's get it into perspective because why care about all that when I can still wear skinny jeans at my age :P
I hate hippies (and spineless conformist retro-hippies, and emos and wiggers and...) and don't want to contemplate their effect on society at the moment.
So, I'll say this:
Winston Churchill said: "Anybody who wasn't a liberal in their 20s had no heart. Anybody who isn't a Conservative by their 40s has no brain."
I've always thought that made probably made some sense describing the UK of that era and the way the terms "conservative" and "liberal" were generally understood.
But it NEVER fit my Country in my era. Where many who were LIBERTARIAN in their Teens/Twenties are now Conservatives. With having children being the big opinion-changer.
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