With this ring I end up in ER

Firstly, (drum roll) may I announce the winners of the caption competition (see previous post). All the entries were the dog's bollocks, but of the assorted obscenities these two tickled my funny bone the most:

First prize and a stained dressed goes to Gorilla Bananas for:

Hillary: "Eat it Rover, it's caused him enough problems!"

Second prize and three cigars for each oval orifice goes to Madam Spud for:

Bill: "Oh what a sweet dog, reminds me of a bitch I once had called Monica."

Now then, things seem to be getting very desperate in the UK at the moment. Yes, I know you lot have problems, like you know, your housing market has crashed and many of you have nowhere to live. And I am well aware that some of you have been ripping out your own teeth because you can't afford a dentist. And yes, I know I recommended carving up melons and the like to make your own cheap sex toys in an earlier post. But when I put up that picture of using a bit of PVC pipe to put your manhood in, I was only semi-serious.
I hope I am not responsible for this unfortunate individual in Manchester getting his knob stuck in a piece of metal piping he no doubt tripped upon while doing some, er, DIY. Or maybe it was part of a loving marriage ceremony where he married his penis. "With this ring I thee wed." Whatever it was, don't emulate it. I never thought a skinflint like me would say this, but I will: If you don't know what constitutes a safe homemade sex toy please buy a sex toy from a licenced sex shop.


I'm afraid I simply can't get my head around this. I mean, what do you think this man was doing regarding the bit of pipe he stuck on his penis? No doubt he put it on his flaccid member. And then, after arousal, it was a case of "Oh dear, I didn't realize my penis would swell up like that and hurt like hell. Oh dearie me."

Shakes head and goes off to lie down in a dark room.