Instant Karma's not gonna get you

I don't believe in instant karma. Why? Because I've had phenomenal amounts of luck all my life, without working particularly hard, or being especially nice. So why the charmed life? Dunno, people have commented that I have too attractive a personality for most people to resist, to which I would say, yes, I am more amusing that 99% of the people on this planet, but is that reason enough to have the Gods smile on me? Fact is, I have always had freebies drop in my lap without sucking up to people. Which is weird.

I know some of you may be thinking, isn't this lady meant to be in Madras? Fact is, I'm not on the plane yet. I keep thinking about what my friend Sanjay said, the guy we're going to visit in Madras, who is getting married (just a small wedding, 1200 guests).

We are flying today, on Qatar Airways, and we change in Doha, where we will be stuck for three hours. So Sanjay says to me, "Whatever you do don't use the toilets in Doha."

I said, "Why?" but he wouldn't elaborate. Now, I will definitely be using the toilets there because I have the weakest bladder on the planet. Frankly, I'm not scared of the toilets in Doha airport. I have pissed in a shit encrusted hole in Morocco with the best of them.

But back to my run of good luck. Yes, it's struck again. My husband John is going to be sort of Sanjay's best man, which is great, fantastic. But what I don't understand is why Sanjay's dad is putting myself and John up in a five star hotel for the duration of our stay. To me, that is simply like winning the lottery. It is mind blowing! It does, of course, have a downside, which is that I won't be able to complain about the shabby hotel, cockroaches on the floor etc.

My experiences of travelling are simply this: it is absolutely great if you can stay in five star hotels and have people to visit who live in the country who will show you around. Otherwise it is quite simply a very smelly tedious experience.

I have done it all in terms of travelling adventures. I have slept on a beach in Spain. That was a very odd experience. Very windy with sand flying all over the place. Really quite disturbing.

Also, a friend and I, aged eighteen, stayed in the house of a very good looking Moroccan man who put us up for the night. I was quite up for a bit of slap and tickle with him, until I realized he was a psychopath. He said that he loved me and didn't want me to leave the country and locked me in his house. No fear, my friend and I escaped out of the window in the middle of the night! Sheer good luck, no?

The rest of my experiences in youth hostels and cheap hotels are pedestrian. Very smelly and stinky, apart fom one in Byron Bay, Australia, which was clean and lovely.


But one of the countless times I got really lucky was when, aged twenty, the parents of a rich friend paid for me to go with them for a two week holiday to Kenya and Tanzania.
We were on the beach in Mombasa with the richest families on earth, plus we went on safari. But I was an ungrateful bitch in those days. Because even when you're driving on the roads in Kenya, you see tons of zebras and other animals running all over the road. You see lions all over the shop. So I couldn't even see the point of going on a safari and was pretty disinterested. Anyway, the point is, it was luxury holiday and I didn't even appreciate it.

So, this time on the trip to Madras I am going to appreciate it. Sanjay's bride to be is going to get me a sari and getting me hennaed up. Oh yes, the day has dawned when I need to stop being an ungrateful cow or instant karma may get me.

So, if I don't post soon, I may have fallen down a hole in Doha airport.

You can also catch me scribbling at Scrivel here.