The Shocking State of Criminals Today

In my opinion Michael Jackson gives a very biased view of criminal life. It's not all moonwalking and crotch grabbing.

I'm beginning to think I must have led a sheltered life. What I mean is, I always thought there was something special about criminals. They always seem so smart in movies don't they? Plotting away and not getting caught by the police (apart from in the car chase at the end). But since I have become addicted to watching a program called Cops (last night's episode was called Tased and Confused) where cops go out on the beat and tase the life out of, then arrest various ne'er do wells, I have come to the conclusion that your basic street criminal is simply a person of such extraordinary stupidity that he doesn't ever think beyond the idea of doing the crime and is always surprised and a little put out when the police catch him, say, with a sawn off shot gun in his back pocket. The replies given as to where he got the illegal item is very predictable and is usually along the lines of, "I don't know, someone must have put the gun down my trouser leg," or "this isn't my car and I have no idea why the trunk is full of cocaine."



For goodness sake, I want to shriek, don't you care about going to prison? I, for one would rather have sex with the Hoff than do time.

I myself am a very moral citizen for two reasons. One, I am too lazy to be a criminal. In some ways I do admire your average criminal/drug dealer. For instance, I used to work in a homeless shelter where many of them were heroin addicts. And there was this one guy who looked like a skeleton, who had no more veins left to inject into and who looked like he was about to keel over any day, but he had a strong work ethic and was making five hundred pounds a day by standing outside bookstores and asking people about to go in what book they wanted. They'd give him half of what the book was worth and then he'd go in and nick it for them. He'd do that all day. That's hard work, especially when all you're going to get at the end of it is a lousy shot of heroin!

The second reason I could not be a criminal is that I couldn't go to prison because I am far too neurotic. In fact, I am a bit like Paris Hilton, agraphobic when confronted with prison cells. Now, I don't know the ins and outs of what exactly the fixtures and fittings are like in prisons, but I'm pretty sure than unless you're a serial killer (they get all the perks) you are not going to be put in a cell on your own. (Actually, I saw a program about a serial killer the other day who was put in a cell with another man and his cellmate kept bragging how he'd killed his mom and laughing about it. The serial killer couldn't bear his cellmate's 'disrespect towards women' so he tore up a sheet, wrapped it around his cellmate's neck and effectively had the last laugh. After that, the serial killer was in solitary confinement, because the other guy was dead).

But I digress. Where was I? Ah yes, why I could never go to prison. I don't care that Martha Stewart tried to glamorize it. I am pretty sure I'd have to share a toilet with another inmate. And I don't want to. And I don't want to think about the food. I can't share a room with anyone for more than a day and in prison sometimes you have to share for years.

But your average criminal simply doesn't care about going to prison, which is a shame. If criminals were more like me and valued a fresh toilet bowl, crime figures would plummet.

Stupid criminals give the criminal game a bad name. I really think that if you can't cut it, you should get out of the game. For example, those who can't play a guitar content themselves with playing air guitar and those that are terrible in bed take part in air sex competitions (see below). In the same vein, those who haven't got the wherewithal to not get caught by the police should simply do air crimes, enacting crimes in a theatrical fashion (maybe the Japs could start a competition for this too).