My dear pal Ms. Robinson, has oft commented on why, seeing as I am a mother, I do not write about mothering subjects like how excited I am that my souffle has risen. Well, I'm afraid Ms. R, that that's simply not the way I roll. Mothers are, by and large, extremely dull and worthy individuals and I am, well, not. I have, with a pick axe managed to pick through the heaps of dullards to find mom friends who are nuttier than fruitcakes, although some of them are so mad that they induce toothache, like those gummy raisins that stick between your teeth and are impossible to pick out. To give you a prime example, I will tell you about my mommy friend Tasha.
Now, I went to a party with Tasha on New Year's Eve with her daughter, her boyfriend Max, my kids, my husband etc. For some reason that now escapes me I didn't get drunk and so I just observed everyone around me making fools of themselves. Tasha is a hot little piece, only five foot tall, with a bob, and was wearing a mini dress (with tights).
So, Tasha is getting trashed and her boyfriend Max, is talking to me about how he needs to lose weight and I say, "Well you should try to go to the gym after work," and he says, rather matter of factly "I can't do that, because if I don't get home at five Tasha would be fucking around."
"Oh? What makes you think that?"
"Oh, she's like that. She messed around behind her husband's back in her last marriage."
I wasn't sure what to say after that so I decided to cross the room to seek out my friend Annabelle, who is thirty-six and has just come back for a holiday from Swaziland, where she has started working as a doctor at an AIDS clinic. Now, Daisy, Annabelle's sister, had told me that Annabelle had met a twenty-four year old South African in Swaziland who has raised her spirits considerably. Wow, I think, as soon as I see Annabelle, who looks so happy she looks like she is about to explode.
Now, you may well ask, was the spring in her step caused simply from moving from Manhattan to Swaziland? To which I will reply, poppycock! Before I so much as spoke to her I could tell that this was a very straightforward example of the power of cock. Yes men, 'tis true, cock can do wonders!
The Annabelle saga actually made me have faith in the human race again. Because Annabelle has a rather unfortunate history. She was married to a man who left her for another man. And then on top of that, Annabelle was still living in Manhattan and hanging around with her ex-husband and his boyfriend and going to see opera with them, and wasn't dating anyone for about five years and more or less became agraphobic and bought a cat and her hymen got all covered in cobwebs and we all thought that was it for old Annabelle.
And then she moves to Swaziland and meets this young buck and the power of cock does the business!
Anyway, I'm trying to get over to Annabelle but I get waylaid by Tasha who is staggering about. I say, "I simply don't think I'm drunk enough to ask Annabelle what her new boyfriend is like in the sack."
"What nationality is he?"
"Shit! I slept with a South African once and his penis was literally unbelievably huge, like, as wide as a coke can. You could only get about a third in."
"Holy fuck! You mean you were stuck on the top like on a pogo stick?"
"Yeah. It was really awful."
At this point Annabelle comes over. "Oh Annabelle," I say, "Tasha was just saying she slept with a South African who had a humongous dick. Oh and by the way how's it going with your new boyfriend?"
"Oh it's good! It's wonderful!" she said. "But it's just averagely sized!"
How marvellous, eh, that she was able to throw her spinsterhood in the trash as soon as she was ridden by this young buck. It quite brought tears to my eyes!
At this point my husband and I left the party without the kids. Yes, Tasha had offered to take Sausage to stay at her house (don't worry, Max was driving), and Scarlett was staying at Daisy's house. Which left me free to go to sleep and HAVE A LIE IN UNTIL 11 O'CLOCK the next morning, plus have a leisurely day doing the horizontal tango in bed with John. To top off that heavenly day we had a boozy dinner and then went to pick up the kids. Heaven on earth or what? I have such tremendous friends!
And now, please, raise your glasses to the power of cock!
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?