The E-Spot is a problem page for people who are tired of the wishy-washy pscychobabble of Dr Phil. Please email me your problem at emma.theespot@[remove]gmail.com (please say if you wish to remain anonymous). Please also note that your problem will be treated with no sensitivity whatsoever.
I thought it was pretty obvious that my problem page was a piss take, but evidently some people are under the impression that I am a really empathetic person and won't rip the piss. Okay. Whatever. Basically, this bloke, let's call him Gordon, wrote to me from the UK the other day (my initial thoughts as I read it are in brackets):
My penis is only 4.3 inches long and slim too! I know that is well below average for size but how many guys in general would you find as small as me?
[how should I know? I don't exactly put up ads on Craig's List saying: Small Dicks Wanted]
Is there any enlargement methods that are not a complete con and do work?
[I sell a penis pump on my site and two men who bought it wrote to me and said it worked but I didn't ask for pictures.]
Should I consider surgery and would they do that on the NHS?
[No and no.]
It's an issue because as far as the opposite sex is concerned I have all but given up.
Well, I assumed he was taking the mick - well, wouldn't you? I mean, the guy lives in the UK and is asking me if penis enlargement surgery is available on the NHS? Of course it isn't, I mean a small dick is hardly a matter of life and death, now is it? You don't get many 999 emergency calls from small membered guys attempting to penetrate their girlfriends. Okay maybe you do but they don't usually send an ambulance round, sirens blazing, while the operator screams: "Step on it! There's a guy in there who's a 4 point 3! Yes you heard me correctly, I said a 4 point 3! Get round there with the Penis Extender and make sure you take four strong men to operate it! Get on it! We've got to get him up to a six by dawn!"
Another factor against penis surgery is that no one in their right mind would submit themselves to it (it involves severing ligaments). In fact, there is evidence that some penis enlargement operations have caused such damage to the penis that it is difficult or impossible to ever get an erection afterwards.
So I write back, a bit pissed off:
Try the penis pump on my site. Some people claim it has helped them but don't take my word for it.
At which point Gordon blows a gasket:
I ask you some serious questions and you just refer me to an advert on your site? Thanks for nothing!
Okay Gordon, calm down. I am going to assume you are serious. And I know that some of you girls will say, "Oh, don't be so hard on him," but to these girls I will say - if you got into bed with a guy who had a penis that small, well, let's face it, you'd be appalled. Maybe you'd be nice about it and say, "It isn't too small, really," before running off into the night, but you still wouldn't want to get involved because, as they say in Devon, 'You can't stir butter with a toothpick.'
There is no real logic to this aversion women have to small willies. Fact is, you don't need a penis to give a woman an orgasm. Fingers, tongues and sex toys are all perfectly adequate and I'm pretty sure that lesbians don't toss and turn wishing their girlfriends had penises. Consequently, I'm going to guess that the reason a small penis is such a turn off is just that it's not manly, it's not masculine. So yes, Gordon, if penis enlargement surgery worked (and it may very well in the future), then maybe it should be available on the NHS.
Probably the only way to get around this problem, Gordon, is to become friends with a woman and really get her to fall in love with you before you go to bed with her, because then there is a good chance that when you whip it out she will say, "No biggie."
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?