I have just purchased a sexy new picnic table (see above), which now sits outside my house on my deck. The problem is that I am crazy about her. Yes, I think of the table as a woman and have become obsessed. At first I just caressed the table, and enjoyed pulling the umbrella in and out of its hole. But soon, unbenown to my wife, I started to, well, to have sexual impulses towards this table. Pretty soon I was making excuses to my wife, running out onto the deck and rubbing myself up against the table like a dog on heat. I keep wondering how it would feel to make love to this table, to slip my penis into the table's hole and make sweet sweet music. Please help me, because I am going crazy with worry. I mean, am I sick, or do other people feel like this about picnic tables? And do you think I would get this out of my system by fucking the table?
From Brett with the Big Baguette
Dear Mr Baguette,
Wow! That is one good looking table you have there. Very smooth corners and an exceptionally caressable finish. I can see where you are coming from. This table is very provocative indeed.
Now to put your mind at rest: Are you sick? No. Are there others like you? Absolutely! There are many people to whom a good looking table presents an erotic challenge second to none. Tables aren't just for eating off, now are they, Mr Baguette?
But before you launch yourself onto the object of your affections, there are a few things you should know. I believe there was a gent called Art Price of Ohio who recently had similar strong affections for a picnic table with a very provocative hole, just like yours. He regularly went out on his deck naked, (which incidentally was across the street from a school), flipped the table on its side and relieved himself in a sexual manner in the hole.
Now, there is no doubt that he and maybe even the table had a high old time doing this. But there were problems (aren't there always?) and in this case the problem was a nosy neighbor who had nothing better to do than film all the Cock on Table Action and send the tapes to the local police. Well, it wasn't long before the long arm of the law hauled in Mr Price and stopped his fun:
So, my advice for you Mr Baguette, is that if you want to make sweet music with this table, don't do it outside while stark naked. Take the dear thing inside. And if you do get caught by the wife here are ten of the best excuses:
1. Got all worked up after looking through the IKEA catalog
2. C'mon, did you see that picnic table?
3. I was refinishing it and things just got out of hand
4. Just broke up with the pool table and didn't want to be alone
5. If you're gonna arrest every man who's had sex with a picnic table, you're gonna have to build a hell of a lot more prisons
6. Was curious if I could have sex with anything more flat and lifeless than you darling!
7. Hey, a man has needs
8. My doctor said I have Restless Nuts Syndrome
9. It's not like I spent $4,000 for a hooker
10. Well, it was our anniversary
Also, I was so moved by all this that I wrote a song called Picnic Table Lover
Your round hole Is too beautiful to hold The umbrella pole Every time I see you I get wood My heart beats hard when I caress Your shapely legs Picnic Table You are too pretty Just to eat Bologna sandwiches off I need to put my baguette In your beautiful crevice Oh oh oh You're perfect as you are All we need is a dab of mayonnaise And maybe a dill pickle To seal the deal
Good luck from The E-Spot
The E-Spot is a problem page for people who are tired of the wishy-washy pscychobabble of Dr Phil. Please email me your problem at emma.theespot@[remove]gmail.com (please say if you wish to remain anonymous). Please also note that your problem will be treated with no sensitivity whatsoever.
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?