I know I know, I must have had my head up my backside for years. I simply didn't realize there was a version of me walking around until last night. So okay I don't have pockmarked skin and okay I'm not worth £67m, but otherwise myself and Gordon Ramsay are exactly alike!
So yesterday it happened, an epiphany! I watched Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen where fifteen chefs try and make it through torturous times with Ramsay to get a job in one of his restaurants without having their balls flambeed or their breasts clamped in a waffle iron. Comic gold!
There was one particular fat ugly little chef who I wanted to poke in the eyes, not even because he was fat and lazy but because he was the worst male chauvinist I've seen in a long time. There were two teams, men and women, and when the women's team won, fat chef had to say: "I can't believe this! The only thing I want to lose to a woman is an ironing contest." He also said, "If I win this competition I will be beating women off with a stick." I immediately thought "Oh dear. Oh dear. Not likely, mate."
But who I really want to talk about is Ramsey. He is so wonderful. These chefs were taking three hours just to prepare appetizers, so why shouldn't he give them an earful? And he did:
"Oh fuck me!
Oh fuck me senseless!
It’s way too peppery and you wouldn’t serve it to a fucking pig!
It’s rancid!
You’ll kill someone!
This is rubber!" he said, bouncing some fried chicken off the walls.
Absolute gold.
Why is he so angry? Is it the old story of the small penis and man trying to compensate? I think not, because Ramsay is 6' 2", with size-15 feet.
He is married to a woman called Cayetana Elizabeth Hutcheson and the couple have four children: Megan, twins Jack and Holly, and Matilda.
I couldn't help wondering how he is at home.
"Oh for fuck's sake Holly, fuck me sideways you've got a C on your report card again!
Megan this toast you've made me is fucking burnt. I wouldn't feed this to my cat!"
Or what about Ramsey in bed:
"Oh Cayetana, you fucking twat. I told you to bring me the KY. FUCK. I've just rubbed this cream all over my dick and now I find its Deep Heat and my fucking knob is burning away. You stupid bitch. I was going to fuck you into next week but now you can go sleep on the sofa, you cow."
The thing is if I didn't control myself I would be effing and blinding all over the shop especially first thing in the morning. But Gordon gets away with it because he's a perfectionist and a genius cook. So the thing is, I would be allowed to drop F-bombs all over myself if I was passionate about something. So okay, right now I'm not passionate about anything except for maybe making a twat of myself on youtube videos. But what do you reckon? Give me a passion and I swear I'll get passionate about it and then I'll have carte blanche to swear until I'm blue in the face. Result.
Also, if you like dirty dog stories I've a great one for you here. This is totally true, I swear!
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68 comments:
Well fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck !!!
If only I was a pefectionist and a genius blogger I'd be able to get away with all the offensive comments I seem to make...
The way I see it not only do you have to be passionate about something, you have to be rich from it in order to have carte blanche on the pottymouth.
What a load of toss-cunts shitty bollocks, eh?
Gordon Ramsey. Phwoar! I so would!
Fuck me! Love that Ramsay, genius chef with an awful communication skill. Strangely, he is married to a teacher.
Once there was a chef who made the pastry a bit soggy and he asked: what is this? It looks like a kingkong condom! Oh dear that pastry might have reminded him of kingkong porn that he watched.
I love watching Gordon. He's coming to Australia this year to open a restaurant in Melbourne, and I feel sorry for the chefs he'll audition, but I think they'll buckle under because he's from the UK and not from Sydney. Melbournians have a chip over their shoulder regarding Sydney.
I have to be honest, sometimes I'd like to switch off the camera and knock his two front teeth out. I get that he's a successful chef, I get that he's a perfectionist, but he's also a bit of an arrogant asshole who needs to remember that these are real people that he's abusing, people who have been put in a position deliberately intended to pressurize them and force mistakes. I don't care how good his toast is, if he spoke to me like that he'd have a couple of sore balls.
I'm sure he plays up to the camera. No one really wants to see him explain patiently where the contestants are going wrong and then demonstrate techniques for improvement.
HAHAHA! That's funny. I haven't seen this guy in action yet but I keep hearing about him so I must check him out.
Hilarious post!
I must admit I love Gordon, but I also think he plays up to the camera a bit. Although, my husband is a pretty serious cook, and you really don't want to upset him in the kitchen.
Gordon Ramsey is a parody of himself these days... He just used to be a miserable self important git, as many chefs are (I met many wannabee Ramseys when I was in the hotel biz) but now he's descended into farce.
He hasn't got small weiner syndrome. He's actually ginger (like me) and we gingers are nearly as bad trying to overcompensate. But instead of being a vile, insufferable twat, I just bought a big, red sportscar.
I loved last night's episode. I SOO wanted to kick the little fat cook with the ironing contest comment. Have been a fan of Gordon for a while. Am also addicted to watching Gordon Ramsay's Nightmares on BBC. Love it! One episode featured the head chef who was a raging alkie who drank whilst he cooked. Was brilliant!
I really rate Gordon and despite his firey temper his staff tend to be fiercely loyal to him. Yes he's temperamental but he does seem to genuinely care... a trait that is sadly lacking in so many people these days. His TV show, The F Word often features him at home with his kids and I have to say he comes over as being a lovely dad.
I'm at a loss for passion myself, but I know it isn't in the kitchen. I just can't seem to figure out where it is.
Gordon Ramsey is merely cooking lunch - you'd think by his irrate manner that he was suing for peace in the Middle East.
Same with all these celebrity chefs - they think they're a genius in the kitchen ... well I'm a genius in my own wardrobe.
Fuck
Gordon can eff n blind me anyday!
i'm guessing he's just a monster on camera. reality tv is never real. i know. i've been on the production team of one.
Ramsey is a replusive fuckface. I'd enjoy making him squeal like a hog as I crushed his testicles in my hand. Grahem Kerr never swore and was much funnier.
fingers...I never said you weren't a genius. In the blogging universe where let's face it, standards of literary output are somewhat stunted, you are a God. I just still don't 'get' your blog. Is it total fiction? I am guessing it is a factoid with lots of fictional embroidering i.e. you must know it is wrong to ask the old lady next door to blow you in exchange for fingering her hairy spider?? ;)
angela-la-la....Yes. Why is Gordon Ramsay sexy? Yet he is. So weird. He's just a hot cuntface.
spew-it-all....I am embarassed to admit that I just googled 'King Kong porn' and came up with nothing ...but I will keep looking!
anastasia...I'm just amazed he's allowed on US television, albeit with much bleeping, because usually you can't even say 'Jesus Christ!!' on US TV without some God-botherer asking that a program be taken off air!
inchy....Yeah, I'm sure I'd be tempted to punch his nuts after a few drinks if he insulted my steak and kidney pie. But he's six two so I probably wouldn't chance it.
tickersoid....sure he's a sadist but makes for brilliant TV I reckon. Although I wouldn't want him bouncing my chicken off the wall.
the diva's thoughts....I thought nothing on US TV could be any good until I watched that show. Still he is a Brit, Scottish I think so that explains it!
supermum, psychobitch... He's my ideal man...I always go for lovable assholes so he's got that angle covered. But he can also cook. Still, he's taken. Sigh.
Roland Hulme...
Gordon Ramsey is a parody of himself these days...
Couldn't say... I am a virgin Ramsay fan! Hymen just newly ruptured.
we gingers are nearly as bad trying to overcompensate. But instead of being a vile, insufferable twat, I just bought a big, red sportscar.
wouldn't it be cheaper to just dye your hair? ;)
Kimber...Gordon Ramsay's Nightmares on BBC head chef was a raging alkie I'm gonna check it out sounds superb!
Steve.......
I have to say he comes over as being a lovely dad. Ah, bless his cotton socks. I don't get how he could turn the swearing off at home though, I know I can't unless I stuff a sock in my mouth.
Memphis Steve...
I'm at a loss for passion myself, but I know it isn't in the kitchen. I can get quite passionate about cooking sometimes but my passions only last about a week at a time so that makes it more like a hobby than a passion, alas.
And please don't be so hard on yourself, you do have a passion anyway: Steph.
electro-kevin...
Same with all these celebrity chefs - they think they're a genius in the kitchen ...
I don't know, he's the only one I've seen who I could tolerate. I'd much rather punch Jamie Oliver. The annoying posh twat with the put on 'man of the people' voice.
well I'm a genius in my own wardrobe.
don't be so modest. you're also a legend in your own lunchbox.
Vi...
Gordon can eff n blind me anyday!
Funny you should mention that, I've just sent him a love letter saying:
'Eff n blind me
Sixty Nine me'
Am still waiting for a response.
Mars...
i'm guessing he's just a monster on camera.
Oh I know, he probably sleeps with three stuffed bears and cries when he watches soppy films!
Gorilla Bananas...
Ramsey is a replusive fuckface.
strong words from a usually mild mannered gorilla. I'd never heard of Grahem Kerr but I checked him out, very suave.
Another fave of mine was that total piss head Keith Floyd. He was a laugh wasn't he? His career was terminated I believe after he crashed his car into another vehicle while three-and-a-half times over the legal alcohol limit.
I'd like to see him take that approach with field catering in the middle east or south asia! I'd give him about five minutes before he was flat on his arse.
He'd be funny in bed for a girl though, you'd better make sure your hygiene was good and you didn't taste like just any kebab.
midnight...I'd give him about five minutes before he was flat on his arse.
sounds like a fantastic idea for a new reality series!!
you didn't taste like just any kebab.
no worries on that front. If my bits smell a bit like a kebab I just sprinkle chilli sauce on - takes the edge off ;)
Dude gives me a headache! I'm all for swearing like truck driver, love it, but he SCREECHES like a Banshee!
He's one deeply unhappy man!
I guess I'll have to stop reading your blog from the pre-school...
steph...the fucker just reminded me of myself is all. I just felt jealous that he was allowed to swear himself blind and get paid for it too!
VE....I am not worthy! I am in awe of your blog. Christ what an imagination you have! I thought I had the market cornered on insanity but you are definately up there on the cuckoo front (I mean that in a good way!!)
I must admit, not a huge fan of English chefs. Stand up comedy, yes, cooking food, no.
oh dear lord - one of my friends actually fancies him - but then she also fancied Grant Mitchell from EastEnders. Bless.
I'm with inchy on this all the way. No way would I stand for some pock-marked prickola screaming in my face.
I also want to hit judge Judy in the face with a cast iron pan. She riles me up the same way.
At last!
A lifeboat of sanity in a sea of irrationality!
It's you and me against the world, Kate. Get your boxing gloves on.
Oh I love Hell's Kitchen. Sadly though, once you get to the end of the contest, and he's left with the ones who can now do a really good job, he runs out of justified swearage, and you get scenes of him just stood there moaning on like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It's not pretty. He usually whips his top off at least once a series though, which is always worth seeing.
I prefer Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, on balance. if you've not seen it, this is where he goes to a failing restaurant as a consultant and makes them a success. You get all the sweary goodness, with a demonstration of his frankly awesome business and motivational coaching. He's a genius.
Gordon Ramsey doesn't eat kebabs. That's another reason for having a downer on him.
fuck
orhan khan.... Stand up comedy, yes, cooking food, no.
Ramsay is kind of stand up comedy though (very unintentionally funny).
Conortje...
Hey, I fancied Grant Mitchell from Eastenders but I like a bit of rough ;)
sparsely kate....I stand for some pock-marked prickola screaming in my face
Well no, nor would I. But it makes for great TV!
sparesely kate....ALSO!!!! I just found out Inchy is Scottish. Is this a match made in heaven or what???
inchy...Sparesely Kate (in Oz) is looking for a Scottish boyfriend. Please say you are intrigued??
melissaria.... get scenes of him just stood there moaning on like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
that sounds pathetic. I will just have to enjoy the first few weeks then!!
He usually whips his top off at least once a series though, which is always worth seeing.
mmm gobble gobble
electro-kevin...
Gordon Ramsey doesn't eat kebabs.
With the greatest of respect Kev, no one eats Kebabs unless they are three steps from starvation or pissed out of their tree.
Funny that you mention Hell's Kitchen. I freakin LOVE him!!! I have had many many dreams about him. And Fuck was said and done.
All the blogs I go to today are sexual, i am getting..... It is hot in here.
I must take a break ;)~
I've made a career out of being a disappointment to women, so I see no need to stop now!
Sorry Emma, I'm blissfully in love with The Demon, despite all her failings and foibles.
Wait a minute, is Kate a hottie?
Everything's negotiable!
I have never warmed to Mr Ramsay. I don't know why - I like tall men who know what they want. But there's something about him which just irks me, and it's not the language.
I'm just weird, I guess? x
jahooni......yes Ramsay is oddly sexy. You'd better go and lie down in a darkened room and fan yourself with a pork pie.
inchy.....oh never mind that you are in love with the Demon! I was hoping to be an internet matchmaker. Do you have any hot Scot friends for her? Yes of course Kate is a hottie!
kitty....he is certainly a sandwich short of a picnic but maybe that's what I like about him.
Almost all my friends are natives, but none are single.
I could try to break up a marriage or two if that'd help?
inchy...that would be much appreciated lol
Cool, I'll start spreading some malicious rumours immediately!
Wow, I found your other blog. Talk about not-kid-friendly!! You'ze a crazy one. I like that. I'm wrapping up my Oz fest, but don't miss Monday's post...it's back to something different and it's a doozy
Pommie chefs all over the lifestyle channel 24/7 and yet, have you ever heard anyone utter the words "Let's go out for English tonight'...
And he's two hours faster than me every bloody London Marathon ... the fucker.
hey emma, have just caught up with your comments here regarding finding me a scottish boyfriend. this totally warms the cockles of my heart, much more than a hot drink poured down the front of my top ever did.
I love that you are 'on the case'.
Hi Inchy! we can box and still be platonic. Lord knows I can do platonic, do you know it's been about four years?? :)
Have you been in prison?!
No, but I have been divorced :)
Pommie chefs all over the lifestyle channel 24/7 and yet, have you ever heard anyone utter the words "Let's go out for English tonight'...
(Fingers)
Perhaps there might be a gap in the market for Pie & Liquor bars in Aus.
fuck
Anyone wonder why I keep saying 'fuck' after my posts ?
I'm trying to see if I can turn Emma on.
Emma gets the pie ... and I liquor
;-)
i think gordon ramsey looks like a shar-pei. that is all.
He's just one of a bus-load of 'celebrity' chefs over here in the UK, each of whom expects you to have things like Cardamom and Fennel just lying around. What the fuck is Fennel!?
If it's not chefs it's fucking home makeover shows, or property development shows. It does my head in.
I think he is fucking sexy! I'd fuck him in a heartbeat and I would want him to swear all the way through it!
electro-kevin..
Are you talking about cream pies you dirty monkey?
fingers....have you ever heard anyone utter the words "Let's go out for English tonight'...
reason for that of course is that English food is largely rubbish and they boil the life out of vegetables. I mean I have to say I do love a roast beef and yorkshire pudding on a sunday. But as for the crap they serve in pretentious London restaurants...laughable overpriced shit. I had a rich boyfriend for years so have sampled much of London's 'finest', just crap mostly. Maybe london food is bad simply because the products used aren't fresh. Spent three weeks in Australia and the food was great, but that maybe because you get all that fresh fish etc. The meat pies gave me stomach cramps though.
Moobs...
... the fucker.still he's a ginger so you have one up him there don't you?
sparsely kate...
I am scouring the Internet for non-psychotic Scottish partners for you sweetie!
Four years is TOO LONG!!!!
Kara ...
think gordon ramsey looks like a shar-pei.
you are so right! he's ugly but he has the music (line from Leonard Cohen)
Inchy....I know what fennel is but it doesn't taste very good. I know it's a stereotype but do some Scots really eat deep fried pizzas and mars bars?
Molly...
I would want him to swear all the way through it!
hush now, you're turning me on.
Emma - The short answer is 'yes'.
The deep fried Mars bar thing started as a bit of a joke but is genuinely available in some parts of the country. Deep fried pizzas, on the other hand, are available from ANY fish and chip shop.
I have haven't yet partaken of either of these two delicacies, but all it would take are the right friends and the right bar.
There has been a rumour going round the gay community of London for a year or three that Gordon and Ross Kemp (aka Graaant from Eastenders and hubby of Rebekah Wade of The Sun) were caught in flagrante. Which is why Rebekah booted Ross out of the marital home for a while.
There was a very, very camp pic of Gordy in last week's Observer Food Supplement - topless, coy and showing off his star tattooes.
Yup.
pog...turns me on thinking about Ramsay and Mitchell together. I am one sick mother,no?
Yes you are.
hey Emma - whatever floats your boat!
pog...that story about Kemp and Ramsay cornholing each other is made up isn't it? I have googled it and come up with nothing. Ramsay does not strike me as gay but then my gaydar is not particularly well attuned!
Cornholing??
FFS!
inchy..it's just a funny term like marmite driller, chutney stirrer etc I'm not homophobic honest? ;) what's the slang for it in Scotland?
Look, lets get one thing straight (pardon the pun), I have two gay neighbours upstairs from me, who try their hardest to bang the arses off each other. Unfortunately our bedroom is directly below theirs, and either it really hurts or they're not doing it right, judging by all the screaming and shouting that goes on.
It sounds like a WWE wrestling match.
maybe you could tactfully leave a drum of KY jelly outside their front door so you can get some sleep?
Sleep has never been my problem. Two rhinos could be rutting in the same room as me and I could sleep right through it.
The rumour as spread around Compton St didn't mention actual penetration - but then, gay sex often doesn't involve any(I know a couple who've out since they were old enough to get it up and they've never indulged in penetrative sex). I wouldn't expect google to record the rumour - I doubt it was published anywhere (if it was true, I wonder how many favours wifey had to call in to suppress it...). It may, of course, have been a fantasy that got chinese-whispered out on the circuit.
Well ain't he a ray of fucking sunshine.
If ever there were an abusive fucknut who deserved to be subjected to his own medicine, it would be him; although I'd bet he thinks he's too good for that. heh.
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