The delightful Luka recently asked people to write a real warts and all, blow by blow account of how they have sex, without recourse to the 'the orgasm was like waves crashing over me' and 'his penis was like a red hot rod drilling through my molten rosebud' clichees of erotica. For a while I thought I was up for it, until I realized that actually I was too shy. Yes, me! Too shy! It's more like, if you lot really knew the absolute ins and outs of what I get up to in the sack then I would have nothing private about me, since I have spilt quite a bit on my blog already, and I'm not ready to shed all my bodily fluids. But what I will tell you is that at the end of a session I will always give my orgasms marks out of ten. Mostly they are over nine. I will shout something like, "Wow, that was a nine point six!" Sometimes I will miss the mark and get one that's only around a seven. Masturbation usually doesn't provide much over a six.
So anyway, yesterday I scored a perfect ten. Everyone's perfect ten is different maybe. For me the perfect ten is that build up. There is a build up of about five seconds. The pleasure climbs a ladder. Throb throb throb, until you literally don't feel you can take it any more, you feel like your body cannot contain the pressure, but you breathe breathe and finally you explode. Having a ten always involves a total blackout, stars, screaming like a crazed chimpanzee and flinging around like crazy. The top of one's head feels like it has exploded off one's head and always one is dazed. The most extreme tens I have ever had were when I literally felt like I was levitating afterwards. It was like all the pleasure had seeped out and had filled the whole room.
Anyway, I always wish I knew how to guarantee myself a ten, but unfortunately, achieving stellar orgasms is something of a mystery. Yesterday, it was a surprise erotic encounter that did it. I went round to my girlfriend M's house at eight thirty in the morning because we'd arranged to meet. Now, this woman is tall, willowy, gorgeous, with big green eyes and wild wavy hair. Her husband G. is suntanned, blond, gorgeous. I don't know exactly how good or bad their sex life is, but when I'm with them I get this charge off them, a sexual charge that leaks out of both of them. So yesterday morning I knock on the door and G. kisses me and says, "Oh, M. is still asleep." And when she came down the stairs she looked so crumpled and sexy. Her breasts all loose, nipples pressing through flannel pyjamas. She looked more beautiful than she ever did made up. And there she was in the pale watery morning light and she's stretching away and G. is running around in boxer shorts. There was just this lovely erotic hum in the kitchen. I didn't want to sleep with them exactly, it was just lovely to be surrounded by such langorous beauty. And that sensation of golden erotism ground its way into my groin and stayed with me all day. The thought of them, of them having sex together, of me in between them and all the permutations, ratcheted up the orgasm that night to a ten.
And so...do you find the intensity of your orgasms to be unpredictable or can you do certain things to make sure you get really good ones? And how often do you have a perfect ten?
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?