The first point I want to make is, this is not a comment about the stupidity of Australians as I believe what I am about to impart is a worldwide trend. But I met this Aussie surgeon the other day who is working in the US for a year, who told me that from about ten years ago he has noticed a massive increase in anal tearing amongst women, many of them as young as eighteen, which he attributes to the relatively recent craze in anal porn. I am not an anal historian so please correct me on this but I believe that up until the eighties anal was a bit of an extra or a bit kinky whereas now it's as essential to every porn film as FF implants.
The problem is, because of copycat nutters who can't figure out how to safely have anal sex (for example, what you see on a porn film is not the whole story, female porn stars have to warm up their, er anal parts before the actually filming begins), this surgeon is having to sew up women's back passages. I was flabbergasted!! At what point did you (the girl) not realize that the agony you were feeling in your arse was not the feeling you get when you are having a pleasurable sexual experience? At what point did you (the guy) not notice you were not exactly getting anywhere?
I just get so freaked out sometimes, living in the little bubble that I do, about the stupidity of people who actually think that what they see on porn films is real and try and copy it.
A guy once told me he had learnt a lot about sex from porn but I can't see what he was getting at. The oral sex done on women is terrible, a bit of flicking with the tongue here and there, I suppose, because if one put one's tongue down there for ten, twenty minutes it would make for some pretty uninteresting footage.
Also, some other things they only do in porn films:
1. slap the girl's face with a penis (why?) 2. slap the girl's clit with a penis (ditto) 3. do really bad fake orgasms that sound like a cat being roasted on a barbecue (eee, oooo, aaaa, oh yeah, YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!) 4. men feel the need to take their penis out at end in order to do money shot to show off that they can squirt semen (like that's a skill) 5. double penetration (I don't mind DP, I just mean the way they do it in porn - the girl has to get herself into a wierd position so that all the genitals are in the shot - looks like a flesh pretzel squished between two hot dogs) 6. double vaginal (I can't imagine anyone apart from Catherine the Great getting anything out of this) 7. women start crying with joy as soon as sperm splatters their face 8. women start moaning with ecstasy as soon as there is a penis within ten yards of them 9. pizza delivery boys are sexy (well have you ever seen a sexy one?) 10. the man swaps constantly between anal and vaginal (do this if you like but you will probably end up with a UTI)
I personally do not believe you can learn anything practical about sex from porn. I believe it is there to turn you on and that is about it.
So what do you think? Did you learn anything from porn as a naive youth/girl? And what's the most ludicrous porn scene you ever saw?
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?