The first point I want to make is, this is not a comment about the stupidity of Australians as I believe what I am about to impart is a worldwide trend. But I met this Aussie surgeon the other day who is working in the US for a year, who told me that from about ten years ago he has noticed a massive increase in anal tearing amongst women, many of them as young as eighteen, which he attributes to the relatively recent craze in anal porn. I am not an anal historian so please correct me on this but I believe that up until the eighties anal was a bit of an extra or a bit kinky whereas now it's as essential to every porn film as FF implants.
The problem is, because of copycat nutters who can't figure out how to safely have anal sex (for example, what you see on a porn film is not the whole story, female porn stars have to warm up their, er anal parts before the actually filming begins), this surgeon is having to sew up women's back passages. I was flabbergasted!! At what point did you (the girl) not realize that the agony you were feeling in your arse was not the feeling you get when you are having a pleasurable sexual experience? At what point did you (the guy) not notice you were not exactly getting anywhere?
I just get so freaked out sometimes, living in the little bubble that I do, about the stupidity of people who actually think that what they see on porn films is real and try and copy it.
A guy once told me he had learnt a lot about sex from porn but I can't see what he was getting at. The oral sex done on women is terrible, a bit of flicking with the tongue here and there, I suppose, because if one put one's tongue down there for ten, twenty minutes it would make for some pretty uninteresting footage.
Also, some other things they only do in porn films:
1. slap the girl's face with a penis (why?)
2. slap the girl's clit with a penis (ditto)
3. do really bad fake orgasms that sound like a cat being roasted on a barbecue (eee, oooo, aaaa, oh yeah, YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!)
4. men feel the need to take their penis out at end in order to do money shot to show off that they can squirt semen (like that's a skill)
5. double penetration (I don't mind DP, I just mean the way they do it in porn - the girl has to get herself into a wierd position so that all the genitals are in the shot - looks like a flesh pretzel squished between two hot dogs)
6. double vaginal (I can't imagine anyone apart from Catherine the Great getting anything out of this)
7. women start crying with joy as soon as sperm splatters their face
8. women start moaning with ecstasy as soon as there is a penis within ten yards of them
9. pizza delivery boys are sexy (well have you ever seen a sexy one?)
10. the man swaps constantly between anal and vaginal (do this if you like but you will probably end up with a UTI)
I personally do not believe you can learn anything practical about sex from porn. I believe it is there to turn you on and that is about it.
So what do you think? Did you learn anything from porn as a naive youth/girl? And what's the most ludicrous porn scene you ever saw?
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57 comments:
well i tried the double penetration and it wasn't bad, just nothing worth going for again.
i learned from porn that we actually had to get naked and babies don't come from kissing each other and sleeping on the same bed....lol
my reaction: " his what goes into my where?!?! OMG! That must hurt! I'm not going to have sex...EVER" (load good that did me) :p
Well duh... I learned how to whack the wife in the face with my knob and make her shriek with ecstacy by squirting up her nose and in her hair.
The thing is, I find watching hours of blow job action just as dull as the film makers seem to find muffdiving.
Ah, the porn that influenced my formative years was of the bad 1970s variety, so I learned that TV repairman are German, have moustaches and keep their socks on. And they routinely fail to repair the TV.
It's much easier to get hold of porn these days because of the internet which means the porn has ended up being more and more extreme to stand up.
I like my porn boring as hell.
The 'moneyshot' on the face.
Seriously. Having tried it, I can testify that women don't find it particularly fulfilling. Especially when it hits their hair.
Don't bother, It's a fantasy that will lead to a whack in the gonads
There needs to be a good story line or you can jeeust ... count - me - out !
Learned nothing from porn AT ALL.
The funniest porn film I saw ?
A gang bang - one of the guys just stayed in the corner of the room in shot wanking furiously. He did nothing else, just sorted himself out. I don't know why he was there - no idea. Very funny.
'...I don't mind DP...'
That's a refreshingly candid admission, Emmak.
The worst porn I've ever seen was the home-made effort I shot with my ex about 10 years ago. Just awful. So disappointing. I described my utter shame on TWG a while back but I'm not going to hawk my blog in here...
Having first encountered hard core porn in Germany, I found it very amusing. All that porn star moaning is even funnier in German.
My auntie must have liked it though, she borrowed my collection over ten years ago when I returned to UK and still hasn't returned it.
mars.....serious question: can you get arrested for doing DP in Dubai?
xbox4nappyrash....she is one lucky lady. But you are wasting precious splooge which should be going in her lady trap to produce little nappyrashers.
luka....hours of blow job action?
I thought one only watched a porn film until one had come which in my case is approx 30 mins. I don't understand those people who spend hours watching it I mean it's not exactly interesting is it?
billy....I know, I wish there were some innocent porn sites where people kissed and did foreplay, alas those days are gone.
gumpher.....try telling them it's a good hair conditioner or will get rid of wrinkles ... I believe that will convince some of the dumber ones!
electro-kevin....that's a really sad image actually. Imagine being at an orgy and no one wants to sleep with you? If that was the case I think I'd go off and have a fondant fancy and a cuppa rather than embarassing myself by tossing off in a corner.
fingers.....I don't mind DP
I was referring to Dolly Parton ;)
I would love to see that tape of you sometime. Post it up on pornotube why don't you and let us all get a look on your legendary skill in the sack eh? Why should Suzee be the only one to enjoy your member?
midnight...have to say, German porn and yes, the German terms for genitals etc, no bigger turn off than the thought of Maggie Thatcher in a thong.
I disagree with two of your points:
> Slapping a girl's face with your dick is hot. It just is. Have you ever pushed a man's head down with your hand - "time for you to go down now" - it's sort of like that.
> The DP is gross. It's too much of a good thing. One dick in one hole at a time is plenty thanks.
But I agree totally with your larger theme that most porn is stupid and should not be tried by your average Joe and Jane. The anal tearing issue is especially disturbing.
Ooh One last thing. Have you ever had sex with running shoes on? Just running shoes? The guy and that gal. It's super hot. I don't know why it just is. Try it! Esp after a quick sweaty 30 min jog. And then a hot shower afterwards. Damn I've gotta go do that right now.
gargamello...have I ever pushed a guy's head down to my crotch and said, "time for you to go down now" - no, because I can't imagine it would go down too well.
As for having sex with running shoes on I simply don't get how sweaty cheesy feet could be a turn on. But go for it bro, whatever rocks your boat!
You have more chance of getting DP'd by Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver than you do of ever seeing that tape...
fingers...Wouldn't even want to share a casserole with Jamie ...I don't fancy him one bit, he's a real whiney git.
By the way what celebrity do you most resemble I need to get a mental picture?
Steve Buscemi...
How's that working for you as a mental picture...
Let's see, what have I learned from porn:
1. I really, really don't like overinflated balloons on a woman's chest. Sorry, but I just don't- natural, large, small, perky, saggy, don't care- but natural, please.
2. Never leave your motel door unlocked, if you're having an illicit affair, because that's the moment that for some inexplicable reason the hotel manager, who is your spouse's brother, will choose to wander aimlessly in without knocking or using a key.
2A. Don't stay in the motel where your spouse's brother is the manager, DUH.
I could go on, but I think I'll go off and search for the Holy Grail, instead; I'm more likely to find it, than any useful learning from porn.
I remember watching an interview with 'Ben Dover', one of the UK's most popular porn producers/directors. He was explaining how he dealt exclusively with amateur models because people, by which I assume he means men, want to see 'the girl next door' and not some plastic Hollywood uber model. He also explained that if a girl wouldn't do anal, then he wouldn't even consider her as an 'actress'.
The truth is that if women had a hole in their armpit, we'd try to fuck it. Simple as that. Vacuum cleaners, peanut butter jars, sheep, if a man can fit his dick in it, he'll fuck it.
Hear, Hear! Well said. I have never understood why pain has to come into love making or even a good old fashioned shagging..so of course I'm going to agree with you on the concern about what ARE these girls doing to themselves trying to emulate a frikkin porn scene?
Porn is cool if you are in the mood but as soon as you have your orgasm, it just becomes crystal clear how ridiculous it is.
hehe...DP is probably ok if your married and/or you don't go blabbing to the cops.
You might not expect this from me (given my profession at the moment) but I actually find porn to be totally sexist. It's not that I mind people having sex on film or anything. It's just that most porn seems to cater to male desire, so it is a total turn-off for me. I also find the porn obsession with an entirely shaved pubic region very sterile and unarousing.
Emma, you mentioned how all the women in porn films start screaming in ecstasy the second they catch sight of a penis. This is probably why the vast majority of men STILL don't realize that it takes more than a hard cock (Oh, MUCH MORE) to turn a woman on. Okay, sometimes it does the trick, but for the most part I need a wee bit more stimulation (mental AND clitoral!) than that.
Loads of my clients ask me "Does my cock turn you on?" and I am always tempted to scream at them "No, of course, it doesn't - it's attached to you: a fat, balding middle-aged man! How could your cock possibly turn me on?!" Instead, I smile sweetly and give some vague, bullshit answer about how I "enjoy the sensuality of erotic massage".
Th eonly thing I ever learned from porn is the way that sex is frequently very funny and slightly ludicrous. I have to say I have never felt the need to slap my schlong across a woman's face (I can use a wet fish for that). The worst porn film I ever saw involved a brunette with the hugest, fakest looking breasts ever shagging some guy who was in prison, who's name for some unfathomable reason was "Binky". His weary grunts were apostrophised by the woman's semi-hysterical cum wails, at the mid point of which she would constantly utter "yeah Binky, fuck me Binky, do it Binky..." for some reason it completely turned me off.
Funniest story I ever heard was a guy at my mate's factory who borrowed a porn film. He wanted to copy it but rather than doing VHS to VHS he hooked up his camcorder to film the TV screen. He then lent out his own homemade copy. All well and good except he could be see reflected in the TV screen jacking a sly one off the wrist...
Now here's a sentence I never imagined I'd be writing.
I agree with Slutty McWhore.
I'm quite shocked, but not in the least bit surprised by this report; I simply do not understand why women still believe it necessary to look and behave like porn actresses in order to attract and keep a man.
And where is their self-respect and sense of self-worth if they don't even know that it's OK to say if something hurts and they'd like to stop before it gets to the point that they need fucking SURGERY!!
There's probably a PhD in Feminist Studies to be had from that question, but in the meantime, if I ever have a daughter, she will definitely know better...
As an Australian woman, I have to say that I've never indulged like that, and neither have my girlfriends.
Being technically Aussie only (I wasn't born here) I don't take excessive offense but I do wonder what it is about this country that seems to imply 'dirty, athletic girls'.
From my personal experience, Aussie men don't even know what a clit is, or what to do with it if they find it. I suppose they just frig around in the dust until they get a reaction, and they proudly crow "It's all good!".
Absolutely not. (I am marrying an American.).
Good luck with marrying an American man, Rexy. I think they're all a bit fucked-up, at least in the South where I live. On the one hand, they seem to have a very puerile, almost obsessive interest in sex, yet at the same time the whole dating scene is totally regimented. God help you if you fuck them before the third date, which is apparently the appropriate moment for sex. Shag them before that, and you're a slut; wait too long and you're frigid.
I feel incredibly sexually inhibited in this country because I think a lot of men can be so judgemental about a woman's sexual behaviour. But, like I say, this is perhaps only because I'm in the South. I feel a lot freer in places like New York.
If I were you, I'd marry a European. They're not perfect, but they're far better in bed, and less uptight about sex.
fingers....thinking of you looking like Steve Buscemi certainly caused a reaction in my stomach and now I have vomited all over the keyboard. Ho Hum.
Do you agree with Rexy's comment re Aussie men "they don't even know what a clit is, or what to do with it if they find it. I suppose they just frig around in the dust until they get a reaction, and they proudly crow "It's all good!".
I have slept with one aussie. All I will say is, never again
(he is Dave in this post)
sailor...thanks! I will wear my saggy balloons with pride from now on.
inchy....The truth is that if women had a hole in their armpit, we'd try to fuck it
I admire your honesty!
sparsely kate....I know, if you watch porn without being aroused it is about as much fun as watching say, cricket.
slutty mcwhore...that line about does my cock turn you on? had me splitting my sides laughing. I know what you mean about porn being sexist and really and truly doing nothing in the movies to sexually arouse the woman...but I was shocked to find out that some maybe many people actually believe that what they see in porn is an accurate reflection of realistic sex.
melissaria...And where is their self-respect and sense of self-worth if they don't even know that it's OK to say if something hurts and they'd like to stop before it gets to the point that they need fucking SURGERY!!
you absolutely put this succintly. I think this is what I was trying to say in my post.
rexy....I've never slept with an american. I've slept with one aussie called Dave which was a disaster. But if I wasn't married maybe I would sleep with an aussie again, who knows? but after what you have said about them, maybe not!
Great post Emma!
Watching porn can do a lot of harm to one's psyche. I once had a boyfriend who always tried to behave like in a porn movie. "what do you want to do with it, eh?", slapping me in the face and pussy with his knob and "where do you want me to come? on your face?" This obviously was not such a turn on for me as it was for him and I found "where do you want me to come?" ridiculous and boring. It's not that I'm into vanilla sex only; the problem was that this was the ONLY way of having sex that was exciting to him. It was really sad we had to split because he was a great guy otherwise but he just wasn't able to change. Something got hard-wired in his brain and his sexual responses were linked to the idea of a money shot in the face.
Slutty: "If I were you, I'd marry a European. They're not perfect, but they're far better in bed, and less uptight about sex."
Funny, I married an American because I found American girls to be far less inhibited in bed.
But I think you're a bit quick to make gross generalisations about people (you do it alot on your blog, especially the rabid judgementalism against American people and middle-class Englishmen.)
If I had a list of inhibited/uninhibited people, there were a couple of English girls I knew who would try anything and be pretty high on the list. But the most frosty and frigid girl I knew was also English! In my limited experience, I guess I'd generalise that American and Australian girls were the least inhibited and most open about their sexuality, while French girls were universally kind of chilly. But it really depends on the person, not where they're from. ESPECIALLY in America, since it's a cultural melting pot and people have all sorts of opinions on morality.
p.s. Obviously that wasn't the ONLY reason I married an America girl. I loved her very much, clearly! But the inhibitions thing... well, it didn't hurt.
As a man with ginger hair, Roland (Roland?! With a name like that, could you perhaps also be one of those middle-class English man I apparently dislike so much?), I can't imagine you get much action, so I'm not really sure you're qualified to comment on this topic.
But, yes, you're right. Why don't I just tone down my blog and start writing about how "People are the same everywhere" blah, blah, blah. Or, better still, never mention any of my personal experiences in case I happen to offend somebody somewhere.
The US is a melting-pot but that doesn't mean that the people (regardless of race, ethnicity, background etc.) don't share some common characteristics. The same can be said of any country and, I'm sorry, but in my own PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, I have not been too impressed with American men. Of course, I'm sure there are good American men out there somewhere, but I've not found that many I get on with in the South.
But if it makes you feel any better, I think Scottish men are uncivilized troglodytes, and the worst boyfriend I ever had (Oh, my God! So sexist! He was stuck in the dark ages) was Scottish. It would be hard to find an American worse than him.
Oh, Emma - I thought you said ANNUAL tearing !
I confess I didn't have much of a clue what you were talking about. Now we've cleared that up ...
I found it quite an uncomfortable experience but cooling balm sorted it out for me.
;-))
I learnt that roosters have long thing dicks like a rubber band from watching 'animal farm'. And NO, I've never tried anything I saw in that porn!
steve...."yeah Binky, fuck me Binky, do it Binky..." for some reason it completely turned me off.I believe I can see why this did not arouse you.
All well and good except he could be see reflected in the TV screen jacking a sly one off the wrist...
comic gold!
lalita... "what do you want to do with it, eh?", slapping me in the face and pussy with his knob
OMG I would have died laughing!!
Something got hard-wired in his brain and his sexual responses were linked to the idea of a money shot in the face.
I wonder if there is a group called Money Shots Anonymous he could go to?
Roland Hulme...
I can't really comment on what country makes the best lovers because 90% of my lovers have been English and maybe half were okay/good.
Slutty McWhore...
I can't imagine you get much action, so I'm not really sure you're qualified to comment on this topic.
I don't know how you know that. Just because he has Ginger hair?? Personally I think he sounds quite entertaining/amusing and I would definately like to go for a drink with him.
But I think say what you feel and I think you should write whatever you like on your blog.
electro-kevin...
I found it quite an uncomfortable experience but cooling balm sorted it out for me.
oh sweetie, let me kiss it better for you. The second time next year I'll go easy on you.
Vi...
How could you watch Animal Farm? I would have just hurled.
I have no idea whether Roland is a good lover or not (although I do have to say that I am not particularly partial to ginger myself - I prefer darker, swarthy types) but I just did the same thing he did to me i.e. take a look at his blog for all of five milliseconds and make a snap judgement about what his personality is like.
English men? I lost my virginity to a guy from Sunderland, and then I had two Scousers in a row. I quite like Northeners, and I've totally got a thing for Mancunian accents. Hmmm, you've got me thinking about what nationality the best and worst sexual encounters of my life were.
Well, the worst one was definitely American (it turned out he was an alcoholic, and he puked over the side of the bed after we were finished. Lovely!) but I suppose that could just be a coincidence. Scottish men are certainly not known for sober shagging.
The best? God, I don't know. German men seem to be quite open about sex, and I like that. But it's been years since I had a German, so I can't really remember.
OK, maybe not Steve Buscemi.
How about Billy Joel (circa 1995) ??
As for Rexy's comment...all I know is that I know where the stupid thing is and what I'm supposed to do with it. I can't speak for the rest of my people, nor do I care what they know or don't know, since I'm not going to sleep with them.
Also, I don't care much for anal.
Tried it once and my bum hurt for days...
i quite honestly don't get the cum in the face thing...never found that as an orgasmic experience for me...and if you aren't providing your partner pleasure how is it pleasurable for you as well? i watched deep throat in a college hall one night...someone put it on instead of the movie that was suppose to be on...i thought that was the weirdest porn i have ever seen...i don't mind the odd porn scene but get very weary of people who watch it to learn or for REAL entertainment...drill yourself a hole and have a field day fellas!
I learnt a lot from what adult art films. Firstly I realised that size is very important. With those blokes swinging more than an elephant's trunk between their legs I got used to the fact that comparing to myself to them meant I felt like I was hung like a chinese mouse in a cold shower. Accordingly, I don't think about such matters anymore and my self esteem has never been better.
On a different note I have come to value music as a tool or erotica. So having mastered the wah-wah pedal and Stylophone sounds of 1980s Casio keyboards I've never had a better sex life. Shame all the women I've been rooting are deaf.
Finally, I've come to appreciate the value of speaking at the moment I come. Now every time I'm about to unwind I shout "Vive la revolution!"
Funny you should write about speaking during the moment of climax, Jo. When I first came to America, way back in 1996, I believe, "Braveheart" had just come out. One night I was shagging this American guy from Long Island and he yelled out "Frrrrrrreeeeeeeedommmmmmmm!" as he came. It was kind of disconcerting. But, luckily, I'm a Scottish Nationalist, so it all worked out in the end.
fingers...How about Billy Joel (circa 1995)
I'm not sure who would find Billy Joel attractive (okay Christie Brinkley did for a few seconds). Forget it. I am putting an actor in place of your face, a nice wholesome bloke, Jeff Bridges circa 1995.
I was thinking about this again at 4am (isn't insomnia FUN?!), and got around to wondering if your friend ever sees this happen to young gay men? More or less frequently than to women? Before they've learned about the need to 'prepare the area', so to speak?
Just wondered. There's 101 more questions, but I'm about to eat, so had better stop now...
As soon as I get a good porn name I'll try some of that and let you know. Good porn names are hard to come by now. It's like trying to find a unique name on yahoo or ebay...
daisy... I have still to watch Deep Throat, doesn't sound all that fun!
jo ... I shout "Vive la revolution!"
Sounds a bit annoying, maybe you should be pleased all the women you are rooting are deaf!! ;)
melissaria... if your friend ever sees this happen to young gay men?
I must ask him about this, but he's pretty busy, you know, sewing up all those sphincters.
VE...I christen you Javier Spankalicious.
OMG! I have NEVER laughed so hard, so deep, and so long before! Thank you a millions times cause it's been awhile since I've been so entertained.
Porn is sick humor and has nothing in common with great sex.
i learned that the best thing about porno are the titles. in fact...i totally want that job.
The thing that I've always found missing in porn as compared to the real thing is that no-one ever seems to laugh. My experience that people quite often laugh when they're having sex. At least, they often laugh when they're having sex with me.
I'll get me coat.
All points that you raised are very important to understand how porn industry is serving men's interests.
Working hard to build my muscles and get potent viagra and penis enlargement are things that i learnt after watching porn.
Anal sex in porn became popular in 80s. I've read an article ages ago that around that time, techniques were explored in porn. These days, homemade porn rules.
HA! Emma, I'm not really reading blogs these days, but I'm here to help you reach your goal. This was actually a really smart post about how people learn to have sex. All I can say is, I have learned a lot of things from porn and sex blogging that I wish I could forget! :) Sometimes it does indeed get silly and theatrical.
I once loaned my video camera to a pal of my ex's. The dimwit gave me it back without wiping the tape first.
If I learned anything from that it's that I'm quite a good shag, at least compared to this girls boyfriend, he was terrible at it. All my mates agreed he was a shit shag too and she wasn't much better.
mamaflo....Porn is sick humor and has nothing in common with great sex.
it can be very unwittingly entertaining though when there's nothing else on the box!
Kara...i learned that the best thing about porno are the titles. in fact...i totally want that job.
I believe they run such a course at the University of Cockology.
Duke Orsino...
My experience that people quite often laugh when they're having sex. At least, they often laugh when they're having sex with me.
you are so right. I couldn't be in bed with anyone who took it seriously!
spew-it-all...
Working hard to build my muscles and get potent viagra and penis enlargement are things that i learnt after watching porn.
hope to see some pics of your enlarged member soon on your blog ;)
These days, homemade porn rules.
I find it really unerotic judging by the efforts on pornotube. I think I'll stick to eating homemade apple pie, thanks!
Marcelle Manhattan...
All I can say is, I have learned a lot of things from porn and sex blogging that I wish I could forget!
are you another one who has seen Animal Farm and lived to regret it? ;)
Jaggy...
All my mates agreed he was a shit shag too and she wasn't much better.
I'm not sure I'd be qualified to judge as to what is a crap shag. I suppose the only way you would know is if the woman looked bored/was asleep.
Aaaaah Porn!!
I learnt that the dick slapping idea had originated from somewhere and wasn't just my fucked up husband's random idea.
Strangest thing I've ever seen in porn is this woman friggin her self in a maid uniform and then getting so into it she straddled the back of a plastic 70's style dining chair and chaffed her pussy on it. I just thought "what the fuck is the point of that??"
Emma, this is why I love your blog. One day it's the kids, the next day it's flying to India for a wedding and then ANAL PORN!!!
Every porn anal scene I have ever seen, if you look at the girl's face she does not look to me like she's having a good time. This pretty much tell sme all I need to know about anal. Add the tearing to the equation and I'm thinking, we waste a perfectly good pussy when it's right there and available just to go for the pooper?
memphis steve....Never seen Last Tango In Paris??...that looked like fun, although admittedly I can think of better things to do with a pound of butter ;)
i think the guys in porn, just do what the director tells them to do, and acts in ways that people are used to and want to watch them act.
real sex is nothing like porn, but I know i messed up a few times trying to imitate things I had seen in flixxx
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I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.
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