The Ministry For Taste

Thanks so much for all your predictions for 2050. My biggest hope is that by then there will be a Ministry for Taste so that people of artistic sensibility like myself will no longer have to suffer. This is how it would go:

Police Report of the Taste Police for May 12 2050

1. Vile pumps, vile dress



Jamie Lynn’s grand daughter Chrystal-Meth was today given a caution for violating two of the Ministry's laws: that of the wearing of psychedelic maternity dresses and patent leather yellow pumps, both outlawed in 2022.

Punishment: Chrystal-Meth was sentenced to three months at fashion rehab.

2. Three counts of arse crack


Three men were detained today for sporting baggy jeans and exposing their boxer shorts. When asked by the Taste Police to pull their jeans up, one man gave the police the finger and said that "Arse crack was the new crack."

Punishment: All three men were given wedgies and told never to expose their boxer shorts in public again.

2. Massive haul of Kincaids


A man by the name of Rikki Richardson was caught this morning smuggling a lorry full of Thomas Kincaid paintings over the Mexican border into Texas. The poorly executed pictures (possession of which are illegal since 2011) - with a street value of $2 million, were seized by police and burnt in a bonfire. (Footnote: David Hasselhoff is rumoured to have some contraband Kincaids in his palatial home in Miami Beach).

Punishment: Mr Richardson cried when he was arrested, saying he only sold the Kincaids to feed his family and that celebrities like David Hasselhoff were his main clients. Police took pity on him and told him to check himself into taste rehab. Hopefully, a stint at Colorblind Acres should teach him that dealing sordid paintings in order to fulfil the depraved tastes of celebrities will next time carry a harsher sentence.

4. Sickening display of Figurines



In a raid on a dead woman’s house today, the Taste Police were shocked by the sheer number of Precious Moments figurines uncovered, the largest haul to date. Glass cabinets in every room displayed the sickening figurines. A constable from the Taste Police who thought she had seen it all, became physically ill when she broke into the premises of Miss Petula Pennstone, who had been dead for over a year. PC Sally Sollette said, “In all my years on the force I have never vomited. The smell of the dead body was pretty bad but I’ve smelt corpses before. But what really did it was seeing two thousand pairs of Precious Moments eyes staring back at me. I hurled that morning's donuts all over my shoes”

Punishment: Miss Pennstone was already dead so no punishment could be made for her heinous crime. But the figurines were ground up and sprinkled over her grave so that no one may suffer the sickly sentimentality of these nauseating figurines ever again.

5. Bikini Jeans Babe Behind Bars


A stunning six foot Brazilian supermodel called Fifi Sansolito was today found strutting down the street wearing a retro pair of Bikini Jeans. When police arrested her and told her that the obscene Bikini Jeans (which are held up only by a pair of ribbons) had been banned in 2009 she said, “I am so beautiful, why shouldn’t I show my punani off?” Irate police typed her name into their computer only to find that she had a warrant for her arrest for numerous misdemeanors including causing a traffic accident while riding a bicycle wearing only a neon orange bikini with a thong bottom, while glowing brightly with fake tan.

Punishment: The Bikini Jeans were confiscated and Ms. Sansolito has been found guilty of numerous taste violations. She is now serving a term in Taste Prison where inmates are forced to show little skin and to wear beige regulation pants and shirt.

All other violations of taste should be reported immediately to the Taste Police. Let’s eradicate bad taste from our community once and for all. Please report recent sightings of taste violations in the comments box so that these criminals may be brought to justice.