Fan mail. I do so enjoy it. But for all you gentlemen out there, I know that maybe I come across as some sort of lewd tart, but I really am a sensitive soul and would appreciate some tender missives of romance comparing my eyes to limpid pools of Nutella etc. But I suppose I must take what I can get. And what I got today was this:
Dear Emma,
Not sure if you remember me, but you posted to my blog Everyone has a Badside way back when. In case you haven't been by the blog in a bit, for the last month I've been posting about a little adventure I've been going through. Basically, I've been abstaining from full ejaculations for the purpose of kicking my admittedly high libido into the stratosphere. The journey is set to end soon and I've devised a wonderful way to bring it to a close. I'm asking some of the lovely ladies (this definitely includes you) who I know from blogging to join me in my orgasm, semi virtually. I'd love it if you would send me a pair of your used panties to pleasure myself with during the big cumming. I do realize that this is completely out of the blue, but I'm hoping that the idea of a mysterious man getting off to your scent and taste would turn you on. Obviously, you can remain completely anonymous in all this if you choose. Which ever way you decide, I invite you to read about the results in the days to cum.
Fred
So I replied:
Dear Fred,
Re the question of sending you my soiled knickers, my first thought was, this would leave me out of pocket since I would have to buy the knickers and pay postage.
I will post this on my blog and see what my readers think.
Emma
What I am now thinking is, what's the story? Apart from the cost, this isn't exactly a fair proposition, now is it? I mean, what do I get out of it? The thrill of thinking what Fred would do with the panties? Not my cup of tea I'm afraid. I prefer not to think of their ultimate destination.
No, this definately calls for a swap. But what is a fair swap? I suppose I can see Noel Edmonds on Swap Shop saying something like, "We have Emma, offering a pair of soiled knickers. In exchange she wants a male pair of skid marked undies."
Except that I wouldn't want that, now would I? It is strange how the male and female minds are so very differently wired, isn't it?
It seems that in this game it might all be about getting the freshest knickers to the right punters. In Japan they have soiled panty vending machines, but I think it's a bit of con, because unless they are each marked with a freshness date, how can you really guarantee that they are freshly soiled and reeking? You can see how angry Japs might kick these machines if the pants aren't smelly enough.
Anyone out there who wants to get in touch with Fred and send them your panties (females only I'm afraid), please do be my guest. Let him know what you think would be a fair swap.
As for me, I'm wondering if there isn't a niche market here for selling soiled briefs to teabag makers? The tea could be called Pudenda Brew and have the jingle:
This delectable brew is better than whisky
One sip from the cup and you'll want to get frisky
What do you think?
37 comments:
yuk.
Sorry, but there's nothing that I find remotely exciting about sending my used shorts to anyone- except perhaps the washing machine, that big white box thrives on dirty clothing.
I think I'll continue my perfect record of never sending my underwear to anyone, via mail or vending machine.
I know this bloke. He gives them a good clean and sells them on a stall down Petticoat Lane. I'ts a scam.
I'm not saying he doesn't have a go with them first though.
well, there goes my request for a slightly used clown nose and winter mittens down the drain. Thanks for nuttin, Fred. Ya just ruined it for me. :P
Can't say it floats my boat, but each to their own.
I wonder what they'd fetch on eBay?
I gotta say the physical act of having my "I-know-I'm-having-sex" lace & silk panties ripped off is far more sexy than the thought of someone chuffing over the everyday sopped-with-scent panties that I suppose Fred wants.
That said, do you have a grandma in the area or access to the laundry at an assisted living facility? Barring those options, mail an empty envelope to Fred with a note alluding to your panty-less preference...
Emma,
What a wonderful surprise to find my letter published here on your blog! I’d like to thank you for taking serious consideration of my request. Not being a woman, I’m not sure of the frequency of panty requests, but I’d wager it’s not something that comes up everyday. I really had no idea of what your reaction might be to my letter, but I hope that it was read with my respect of you and your feelings in mind. I knew it was a stretch asking you, but as they say, if you don’t ask you’ll never know and I felt the rewards far outweighed any embarrassment I might have had. I admit that there perhaps isn’t as much in it for you as for me, but I really wouldn’t know what I could offer in trade. Having gone through several long term relationships I have noticed first hand that the man’s penchant toward the panty is not mirrored in the female half of our species. I’ve noticed that the females in my life have tended to go for my used sleep t-shirts, going so far as wearing them to bed themselves and yes sniffing them (in a good way). Perhaps the man’s vagina is on his torso or maybe those bed t’s are just really soft. ;^) I briefly considered offering you money for postage and such, but that would open a whole other dimension of complication as you would have needed to allow me personal information, such as where or who to send the payment to.
You are correct in thinking there is a market for used undies and if you do a quick spin of the internet you can find hundreds if not thousands of ladies who sell panties. Buying panties from strange women would have nullified the personal touch I was looking for with my request. What I was seeking were garments from women who would enjoy the fact that they had brought me sexual satisfaction. If I bought panties off the internet I could not say that the act was so pure of heart.
Your post is another example of the demeanor and personality that I enjoy seeing in you, more reasons besides your physical attractiveness that drew me to you and to ask for your panties! In other words, I think you’re a wonderful girl Emma!
Take Care, Fred
PS: Wow, it seems I've sparked a negative reaction from your readers. I don't expect what turns me on to turn everyone else on as well, but have a little respect and lighten up people...I'm sure YOU have fetishes too! ;^P I'd never have even thought to ask Emma if I didn't think she was an open minded person.
Fred obviously trusts you enough to believe that any panties you sent him would be the genuine article. That is a compliment, of sorts.
Women who need the cash should pedal hard for 20 minutes on an exercise bike, remove their panties and sell them to the highest bidder. If they wore a short skirt the decencies could be observed.
Damn! This guy really saw a niche in the market! I have to ask though, how do you abstain from a 'full ejaculation'?
At the point where any form of ejaculation, full or otherwise, is imminent, I am merely a passenger. Any form of control I had on my bodily functions is relinquished to the superiority of my bollocks.
Why do you store all your panties in the soil in the first place. I never could understand this affiliation with panties and soil. But then, I've never had a green thumb or dick...
What do I think? I think some people really, really shouldn't be encouraged.
Puss
He wants your knickers so that he can shoot his burgeoning load?? No way! He wants them so he can wear them!! The proof is in the profile photo!
Personally... not my cup of tea, but hey, if it works for you...
Freddy's letter and profile picture: cheeky.
[still laughing at what gilbert said]
sailor...yuk
come on, it's a pretty harmless request. I was quite flattered actually!
gilbert the alien...
I'ts a scam.
Thanks for the warning!
Cunning_Linguist...
well, there goes my request for a slightly used clown nose and winter mittens down the drain.
I think Fred would have done a straight swap but you have one thing he doesn't need: a penis. Sorry mate.
garfer...
dunno about ebaby but the going rate on the web seems to be about $10 per stinky pair. Amazing!
Helen...
the thought of someone chuffing over the everyday sopped-with-scent panties
When you put it like that I feel a little queasy. This is a great money making opp though.
badside...
May I first of all say, that profile pic of you is amazing. You have a great pair of legs and a cute butt. Are you sure you aren't a lady?
Regarding your interest in panties, I don't know any boyfriends of mine who sniffed my soiled panties, but they may have, it's not exactly something you'd admit is it. That said, I don't have a problem with your interest and now I come to think of it you wouldn't have to know where I live and could just pay me via paypal. But I digress ...
I must say I am oddly touched that you wanted a personal connection in the procurement of your used panties. I'm sure there will be many ladies who get off on this and soon your mailbox will be stuffed.
Also I have no idea how you have not wanked for a month. Isn't it total agony?
Gorilla Bananas...
Fred obviously trusts you enough to believe that any panties you sent him would be the genuine article.
surely it would be more difficult to fake the odor/stains. I can't even think how you'd do it.
Inchy...
I am merely a passenger. Any form of control I had on my bodily functions is relinquished to the superiority of my bollocks.
you dear boy, I hope you are kidding .... if you can't hold off for long then I pity your lady wife ;)
VE...
Well where the hell do you store yours?
Glamourpuss...
Fred's all right in my book. Harmless, no?
Helga Hansen...
He wants them so he can wear them!! The proof is in the profile photo!
you might very well be correct.
He looks pretty good in the pic though doesn't he????
xl...
He's a cheeky one all right. Amusing profile pic too.
Ahhhh, you Brits. If an American says the word "Japs" you're looking at an ACLU lawsuit, the 11 o'clock news and a Japanese embassador coming down on your ass.
I'm a one (wo)man band to stamp out political correctness and I think you could be my VP.
I think this guy's request is perfectly reasonable as long as he PAYS everyone in advance for the cost of buying said knickers/postage/the favour you'd be doing him. Otherwise, he's got a right fucking cheek. Why the fuck would you send off your used knickers so some guy can get off on them. I don't think so!
But, Emma...Swap Shop?! You're really showing your age there, girl. I've heard of it, but it's before my time.
I'm sure the Jap knicker thing is a big con - they flavour them the same way they flavour crisps. It's not really Roast Chicken - it's chicken flavouring... hence it's not really Adolescent Nymphomaniac but a couple of wipes with an old gherkin... more fool the guys for buying into it.
I guess it's a fetish thing - and each to their own and all that - but used grundies don't do it for me. However, something clean, black and lacy... and crotchless... now we're talking!
I suppose the quid pro quo could be that he washes them and sends them right back to you freshly laundered.
It's not my cup of tea, I'm afraid. I laugh at Mrs E-K's efforts to buy the perdiest little knickers saying "Why do you bother ? You know I'm just going to rip them off anyway." So why would I want to have anyone elses ?
I'm still laughing at Ve's comment at 4.43 "Why do we keep knickers in the soil ?"
Badside ain't so bad, I suppose - we all have our fetishes.
Nice to know that if times got hard you could make a living out of this - save of soap, buy a six-pack of cheap knickers and some large envelopes and you're in business.
So how much would I pay ? (as you ask on my blog)
Well that all depends on how available genetic engineering is to the masses at the time...
... if it meant that I could clone my own Emma from them so I could give her a real hug then I guess they'd be priceless.
I know, I know ... there's only ONE Emma.
xxx
01 811 8055
Geez, I've just started drinking tea again and was thinking that there was something missing in the taste----huzzaaah, and you come up with the idea of the ultimate taste treat.
Let me know when you start marketing
Ha! I had a guy email me wanting my shoes, willing to pay too, but not my knickers.
That's GOLD.
Many moons ago a friend invited me to take part in a 'knicker exchange'. One had to send a pair of knickers to each of six ladies at the top of a list ... said list included their size. Then, when one's name came to the top of other lists, one received 36 pairs of knickers. For free. I think I actually received about 9, and some weren't the right size, but it was sort of fun. Ish.
x
Me again. I should have made it clear that these were all NEW knickers - with the labels still on, to prove same.
I have a rather dark sense of humour which, fortunately, I never act upon.
Nonetheless, I can't help seeing a certain amusement value (albeit a cruel one) in soaking the gusset of a pair of knickers in hydrogen sulphide.
I have a mental image of the recipient opening the sealed bag and being hit by that aroma of rotten eggs :)
As I said, far too cruel to ever seriously contemplate doing ... but a nice mental image nonetheless :)
I agree with Missy McWhore. How dare he ask for a donation? Does he see that tip jar?
Make sure you send him a particulary baggy, grey, itchy pair for his insolence!
Yeah, I got conned big-time in Japan.
Spent a fortune collecting used schoolgirl undies, only to find out they all came from a war-widow's home outside of Osaka.
Makes you wonder, eh ??
Tell you what...I'm a bit dubious about some of those late-night chat lines too...
ew. i like the scent of a man but what's so appealing about fresh undies? ew.
Well see now... this must say something about me... I would be flattered for such an offer. But the swap would probably involve self-administered spankings and multiples photos of various humiliating poses and positions by said requestee.
Though you may want to check postal regulations if you are considering it. I have heard there can be restrictions on that sort of thing. Though not sure as I have only ever sent my boys fresh new pretty cute ones to wear. Never my used ones to get off into. Hmmm.... possibilities.
Everyone has their kinks... makes the world go round and round.
Honey
Panties are no good without someone attached.
suzy....lol....Actually, the really derogatory word for the Japanese is 'Nip' (derived from "Nippon" but you Americans probably don't know what I'm on about ;)
But I'm happy to accept the position as VP of the Anti-Political correctness lobby.
Slutty McWhore...
Why the fuck would you send off your used knickers so some guy can get off on them.
I believe some women would get off on the idea of him pleasuring himself with their undies....maybe that's what he thought the lure would be for me.
re Swap Shop...that was forbidden fruit...my mum wouldn't even let me watch it and told me it was trash (i'm 37 btw)
steve....
something clean, black and lacy... and crotchless... now we're talking!
here here!
electro-kevin...
... if it meant that I could clone my own Emma from them so I could give her a real hug then I guess they'd be priceless.
thanks, what a sweet thing to say. xx
Inchy...
01 811 8055
explain???
Clyde...
Let me know when you start marketing
will do, just working on the prototype!
Steph...
Hmm, I'm just wondering which request is wierder, the knickers or the shoes.
Kitty...
that knicker exchange sounds a bit odd...did you even get the right size for you or big granny ones?
Ro...
in soaking the gusset of a pair of knickers in hydrogen sulphide.
absolutely hilarious!
Misssy M...
Make sure you send him a particulary baggy, grey, itchy pair for his insolence!
will do!!
fingers...
only to find out they all came from a war-widow's home outside of Osaka.
still, the widow's knickers got you off so why worry.
Mars...
I like the scent of a man but not his fetid briefs.
MissHoney...
I would be flattered for such an offer.
get in touch with Fred, please.
Billy...
I know what you mean, these panties wouldn't even be warm with the trace of a body. There's something very disembodied about all this.
01 811 8055!
It was the phone number for Swap Shop!
inchy....like I mentioned to Slutty McWhore...those numbers are double dutch because my mum banned me from watching Swap Shop saying it was trash. That's the kind of deprived childhood I had!
i was just wondering exactly what he wanted them soiled with...
ew okay i just disgusted myself...sorry emma...keep your knickers where they belong, between YOUR legs...
....and the next Vice Sqaud initiative will be the Soiled Weapons and Panties team
I would send Fred a pair of mothers, but with her colostomy bag, and then the catheter drawing off all her urine they really don't get that soiled.
Do you think he might be interested in her old wig? She wore it from 1967 until recently, even once on a trip to Algeria in August 1977.
Pudenda Brew! Nice one...it's been a long time i haven't heard that word 'pudenda'. It seems that it's been fading away in English language.
As for used teabag, old people have wierd custom of bringing their teabags in their bags. When they are going to a cafe, they will ask a cup of hot water and pull out the teabags. Maybe they would be happy to work as Pudenda Brew Rep
I know a girl who served out in sandy places who had to keep getting packs of new knickers sent out, as every time she put her laundry in, hers were stolen by the local arabs who ran the service.
I've never been much into knicker sniffing personally, but I suppose for those men who don't get to dabble with the real thing a sniff of pussy is about as close as they can get.
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