Gyms, I know they're nonsense and a huge waste of cash. I know one could easily, if one had the self-discipline, get up at five and go for a brisk run etcetera etcetera, but I am not such a person. In fact, in the last five months I have actually put on weight while working out at the gym, which means that, duh, I've been eating too much. I read some nonsense in a women's mag just now that said, "Spend as much time exercising as you do eating." That would mean I'd spend half an hour per day exercising which doesn't really cut the mustard - or the flab, if you're very swiftly imbibing 3,000 calories, mostly made up of lard, like I do.
So off to the gym I go. First I do the aerobics class or step class. Sometimes I fall off the step if I have a hangover. Then I do the exercise bike. I have recently become addicted to some new fangled virtual reality bikes they have where you are meant to feel like you are cycling in a verdant orchard rather than stuck between two fat, sweaty men who smell of Old Spice. My problem with gyms is that a lot of the people there stink.
The bane of my life is this old geezer who gets on the bike beside me the second I get on. He is a skinny little octogenarian and God bless him for keeping fit, but in seconds he is red faced and drenched. And his sweat really stinks. But worse than that, he sounds like the worst heavy breather telephone pervert you've ever heard. It's like PANT WHEEZE PANT until I'm feeling like this geezer is coming on to me. I know he's not but I just know this panting is what he does while he has sex.
So what I did of course, was to try and block out the panting. And yes, this was one of those times I despised myself for being tight. There is a hole in the virtual reality screen where you can plug in your headphones and listen to music. Of course, I'm too cheap to buy single pronged earphones, so I use the two-pronged ones you get free on airlines and I could only stuff one prong in. So I am blissfully listening to music in one earphone to try to shut out the sound of the heavy breather. And then I root in my handbag and find an orange foam earplug to shove in my other ear. And then there is just music and a faint pant pant and all I have to do is hold my breath so I don't smell his sweat and I'm enjoying myself. Really I am.
So what about you? Can you stand the physical proximity of fleshy sweaty people at gyms, and what's the creepiest thing that's happened to you at the gym recently?
Also, don't sob but I don't think I will be buzzing around the blogosphere too much at the moment, because the kids are on holiday and I have to supervise them. But if you miss me, you can find me (alongside 105 other bloggers) in the blog compilation You're Not the Only One that dear Peachy put together. Proceeds go to the Warchild charity. More details here.
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27 comments:
LOL!!! I love this post, it was so funny.
I haven't had much to complain about at the gym annoyance-wise, but one member did nearly run me and my daughter down in the parking lot on a very rainy day a couple of weeks ago.
I fear I sound like the old wheezing panting old pervert sounding man while on the elliptical machine. But I am up to fifteen minutes. I need to continue to build up my lung capacity.
as odious as your encounter(s) with the elderly gentleman, it's been my experience that the 'senior women' often arrive at the gym soused in perfume - which in comparison may not be as offensive as crotchety BO, but still makes breathing difficult while working out on the elliptical machine. . . . and give yourself some credit - muscle weighs more than fat, you know!
Oh, I love the gym and really, really, really must get back to a regular pattern of attendance. My problem is that while I love using the gym and I adore the post-workout feelings, I hate having to travel there and back!
My pet hate, though, is the coterie of wannabe pro athletes who hang around key pieces of equipment, daring you to approach. They're having a break between set 23 and 24 of their 10-rep cycles and even though they've been resting now for ten full minutes they'll want to be back no that equipment at any moment. The body language as they prowl back and forth like a caged tiger is Do Not Touch MY Equipment.
Never been to a gym in my life cos I have always been one of those annoying gits who can stuff themselves silly and never put on an ounce of weight. However nobody likes a face full of BO. We have a cleaner at work who, despite our best attempts to get him to confront his odour problem (buying him deodorant, etc) persists in leaving a scent-based afterimage of himself wherever he goes. The kind that makes you gag instantly. I do feel sorry for him but you'd think by now he'd be a little more self aware. However, at least he doesn't stand next to me panting. That would really freak me out.
"I know one could easily, if one had the self-discipline, get up at five and go for a brisk run etcetera etcetera, but I am not such a person"
I totally agree with this. I know that I could just go and jog / power walk outside, but never feel inclined. Paying a wad of cash to my local gym every month makes me more inclined to make the effort to use their treadmills, more than just make use of the local parks.
Strange inner psychology.
Also the "stinkiness" -- well people do tend to sweat when they exercise, not quite sure what the solution to that is!
I hate gyms too! My one inducement to exercise is how much chocolate I can stuff my face with afterwards. Unfortunately I have to warn you that there seem to be just as many stinky ole men wandering round the streets, er, exercising their right to 'assist' young women by groping them, so perhaps we should start a blog fund to buy you the relevant headphones-I reckon 10p each should do it! BG
Nearly all the women in my gym wear full faces of makeup. None of them seem to sweat which is annoying in its own way. I don't know how they do it.
Some of the weight you've put on since going to the gym could be muscle - it's heavy stuff you know! x
I joined a gym once. For about 3.5 seconds. The guy next to me was sweating and grunting so hard, I thought he was going to have a heart attack. Was I going to be responsible for remembering all my CPR training? Gah, who needs the pressure? And then when he blew his nose without a tissue? That was it por Moi.
"...he sounds like the worst heavy breather telephone pervert you've ever heard."
Clearly you've never had me on the line. What's your number?
I dont do gyms, just martial arts classes. Trust me, that little old guy is a gem in comparison to some big fat lump who's wearing the creased, sweaty white pyjamas he put away in his bag and left there to marinate for a week and wants to hit you with a pair of protective gloves that were treated similarly and could knock you out just by their smell at 10 paces.
But I still say that gyms are boring!
I miss hangovers. The next time you have one, send me all the grisly detes. The gym? Lady, are you HIGH?
There are actually no old, ugly people in my gym whatsoever. This is possibly because it's the most expensive one in town, which I joined specifically so I wouldn't have to listen to those disgusting weight-lifter types grunting.
The downside to this is that I go to the gym feeling quite sexy (these days I like my body, and would give it 8/10. Don't know if it's really that good, but the main thing is that I like it) and leave totally depressed because all the other people are so fantastically toned and groomed.
congrats re: the book ... you rock star!
I swear to God, the last gym I was in, the combined stench of all the human sweat gave me a headache that nearly blinded me.
Hate the places...
It doesn't take much to keep a listening watch on the blog - just a short post here or there, a video clip. Dang, do I sound too much like I'd miss you ?
The old stinky guy is probably masturbating with one of those small electrical buzzy devices one straps to one's willy and operates with a remote control.
Way to go, Emma - you've pulled a senior citizen.
Class.
I had an awesome gym in HK. Since I've been here it's been the geezers at the rec center. They all smelled vaguely dusty, but no stinkers.
I've recently decided to take it up a notch to a proper gym. Except I made that decision last Sunday and here it is Thursday and I haven't joined. Yeesh.
Well, in kick boxing class I attempted an upper cut punch and knocked myself in the jaw and KNOCKED MYSELF OUT. Granted this was about a year ago...so not quite recently, but it was the best gym story I had. They forced me to leave via ambulance. I was mortified.
I probably AM one of the creepy people at the gym and it all involves an innocent teenage girl fantasy involving three middle aged woman and a shower cubicle. Oh, and me sandwiched in between them, pre-shower.
Hahahah. Just kidding!
really....
I am!
i hate the gym as well and this is a prime example! i cannot stand the sweat and smell it carries...there is a odor just walking in of sweat and no matter how well they clean i can sense it...when i feel myself beginning to sweat i go to the locker room and wash off with a cool rag to clean myself...why doesn't everyone have that consideration...
the worst experience for me in a gym is when a sweaty stinky guy (he was good looking though) came up and asked me out...unfortunate (for him) i was in a particularly rank mood that day and told him no because he stinks and doesn't know how to properly wash his own body and i am not going to be the one to show him...
people need to recognize not to have communication with me between the 23rd and 26th of the month...they are learning though :)
I don't do gyms. Most of the meat heads that frequent them don't know that in ancient Greece you could discuss the golden mean between opposing ills with Socrates at the gymnasium before dining on some nicely grilled sardines.
Beats grunting on an exercise bike any time.
electro-kevin....
you've pulled a senior citizen
I can't say I'm flattered by his attentions ...I mean, even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and again.
I like the gym. Here we have LVAC and it's a modern, clean and cool facility.
I focus on aerobic workouts such as treadmill, cycle, or jogging on the indoor track - at least you can run away from people you find stinky/creepy on the track. Also I like the pool where you can swim away.
I think there are too many weight machines at most gyms - it's about aerobic fat burning workouts, not bulking up with muscle, right? And who wants to use a machine drenched with others' sweat?
Emma - do you have an ipod shuffle? They're cheap and tiny and awesome - rockin out to ACDC, Queen, Fatboy Slim or the Chemical Brothers, I get in a zone and forget all about the smaller annoyances. So easy to make your own mixes with iTunes too.
More runnin' less pumpin'.
Yes, gyms would be pleasant enough places without sweaty bastards all around the joint.
Hence, i got me a stepper and a treadmill and now sweat it out at home. Much nicer.
gargamello...I don't know an iPod from a hole in the wall ...
but maybe I should get one!!
steph...like I say I'm not self motivating so I can't run on a treadmill at home alas and also I like a good gossip with the old bats at the aerobics class.
I'm with Steph. I loathe gyms and work on the treadmill at home.
He's probably deaf and can't hear the sounds he's making! Bet he vocalises in the toilet as well- I used to know someone like this who sounded exactly like a Flamenco dancer when constipated (the voice part, not the castanets- though his dentures would have been great for that).
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