Right now Phelpsmania is sweeping Baltimore like the Bubonic Plague. Since Phelps is a famous Baltimorean or as the locals call it, a 'Baltimoron', the conversation in every cafe, restroom and shop is as follows:
"Did I tell you that my daughter once babysat Michael Phelp's sister?"
"Yeah, about fifty times. But did you know that my son actually sat behind Phelps once in Math?"
"Actually, my daughter once French kissed Phelps and spat the saliva into a vial which she wears around her neck."
Oh yes, Phelps is the first great thing that's happened to Baltimore since, er, well, since Baltimore had the top homicide rate in the country. That honor now belongs to Detroit, which now boasts 47.3 murders per every 100,000 residents.
Since I myself am an honorary Baltimoron, I am now offering you an opportunity to get a piece of the action. Now, I know some of you are smart enough to spot a bargain when you see it and this empty condom packet plus tart's knickers (above), which belonged to a bitter wife's husband's mistress actually sold on Ebay for $303 (update, Ebay has since informed this seller that the sale of actual used underwear violates the service's sales policy, so the 'Tart's knickers' have now been replaced by a photo of the 'Tart's knickers') but I digress. As far as I know there is no rule against selling used wart plasters and so, in a similar vein I now offer you a piece of American Olympic History that you can treasure forever. Yes, it's Michael Phelp's wart plaster.
Michael Phelp's wart plaster (posed by model)
I kid you not: I actually swim at the Meadowbrook pool, the pool Michael Phelps trains in and recently after I saw him get out of the pool I saw a corn plaster peeling off his foot and dropping into the water. I did what anyone who had learnt a lesson from Monica Lewinsky would do, I picked up the plaster and had it mounted in a clear perspex frame. And now you too can share in this little piece of Michael Phelps (has fragments of skin on it!).
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to share in a piece of history. Can I start the bidding at $200?
STOP PRESS! Check out my new column at Offsprung where I talk about mothers who breast feed four year olds.
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?