In an attempt to conquer my misanthropic streak I read a self-help book called How to Be a People Magnet : Finding Friends-and Lovers-and Keeping Them for Life. The theory of the book is to make every single person you meet like you and to become your friend, both as a way of networking (you know the type of thing: the man handing you your McDonald's Burger could in ten years be the head of a Hollywood study theory of networking). But apparently above and beyond making tons of friends, being liked will make you feel very good about yourself. Also you will be making the world a better place by making eye contact with everyone you meet. The author, Leil Lowndes, also encourages brushing your arm against a store clerk or street sweeper, to signal that you think they are your equal and that they are not just an automaton who takes your cash or cleans your car. "This will create a deep personal bond between you and will make the other person's day." (not a direct quote but you get the gist)Now there was no way I was going to brush against any common or garden man on the street but I was prepared to give her theories a whirl. So, yesterday I was in Barnes and Noble when this guy comes into Starbucks and sits down and without buying anything from Starbucks, takes out four pieces of sliced bread from a plastic bag plus some ham, and starts to make sandwiches. I decide to make eye contact with him to signal: "I don't look down on you, in fact I respect the fact that you are making your own sandwiches for ten cents a pop rather than shelling out $7 to buy them at Starbucks."
I am not entirely sure that the man got that signal because a few minutes later, while I was at the magazine rack reading a copy of UK Cosmopolitan (Headline: Dannii Minogue would give everything up for the right man), Sandwich Man comes up to me and, addressing my rack says:
"I see you're a big Vogue reader."
Me: "It's actually Cosmopolitan. I don't read Vogue because its 90%adverts."
Sandwich Man: "I love Vogue too. In fact I know a guy who does the pictures for it."
I smile ineffectually.
"I love her." He jabs his finger at some TV magazine at an actress I have never seen before. "Do you watch her show. It's amazing isn't it?"
"I'm afraid I don't," I say, before scuttling off.
What I learnt from the experience was that I don't want to be a people magnet and that I don't need to be liked by everyone. I need to be liked by my five best friends ... and that's it.
But by all means try it. Try making eye contact with strangers and tell me what the results are. I hope you get a glowy happy feeling from it but I didn't.
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48 comments:
I am not sure about the brushing up against people thing. Surely that kind of thing leads to spilled pints and fisticuffs?
And you're right, making eye contact invariably encourages nutters to talk to you. There is a reason why we have all evolved that "staring into the middle distance" look when on public transport.
Me, thumbing through the books outside a charity shop on the Green.
Car passes by with ear-bleedingly loud music.
Stranger: That's a bit loud.
Me: Sorry?
*I really did say this, I wasn't joking*
Stranger: The car. It's a bit loud.
Me: Yup.
That's about as far as my conversations with strangers go.
You'd certainly create a lasting bond if you brushed a street sweeper's dick.
Can I get first dibs on writing the exact opposite of that book? "How to Repel Unwanted Advances".
I could run seminars on it. It would be bought by every woman who dreams of going into a pub alone to kill forty minutes,without having to bring a cricket bat.
In fact, that's the first chapter there: "Cricket Bats and their Myriad Uses"
This is a pretty good philosophy if you've got a body like The Terminator and have nothing to fear from psychos. Otherwise don't try it unless you're wearing a suit of armour.
hahahahahahahha!!!!! Sounds exactly like something that would happen, and HAS happened to me. In fact that very same thing happened to me at Panera Bread the other day. The man followed me all over the store and now has intimate knowledge of my likes and dislikes regarding a greek salad. There was no getting rid of him. Yup. I don't need to be well liked by the masses. I'm not looking to get anywhere by stepping on people and using their neediness. great post, very amusing!!
Screw the networking. Cultivating fifty bazillion friends is just. Too much. W-O-R-K. Especially now with this credit crunch. What matters is, my relationship with God and, uh, Johnny Depp.
So, you were in B&N, smooching a free read of Cosmo rather than buying the magazine...and decided not to look down at the guy making his own sandwiches at Starbucks ??
You're a terrific person, Emmak...:)
but u cant be liked as u want to be liked :) sometimes more ppl will like u than u want.
Keshi.
i try not to make eye contact with males in this city. it is definitely sending out signals, even if you look like you need a bath and haven't brushed your hair.
On some level I admire your lack of caring about what people think of you. I always know you are going to blurt out whatever you are thinking and you won't b.s. me. If my haircut is bad, you will tell me and I appreciate that. The honesty is fabulously refreshing.
I'm a people magnet... except I'm the opposite pole and repel women.
I'm not as big on making friendly eye contact with strangers as I am with glaring viciously at them until they nervously look away or just leave. Either way, though, it sounds like you and I end up with the same results.
I'm big on the making-eye-contact-and-smiling-at-you-unless-you're-clearly-a-psycho thing but I have to admit that it's partly because I enjoy the way it confuses the hell out of everyone else. Sometimes, rarely, they just grin back which is fantastic ... more often that not you can see them weighing you up to see if you're (a) psychotic, (b) high, (c) dangerous, or (d) psychotic, high and dangerous.
If you want "fifty bazillion friends", surely that's what Facebook and MySpace are for :)
Who the hell networks with the crazy ham sandwich guy at Starbucks!?!?!??!
Finally I understand why I am such a nutter magnet! Still, nutters are nice people when you get to know all the creepiness within. Or something like that anyway. BG
Making eye contact with strangers in the UK is a surefire way of saying "yes I want to fight you and spend the night in intensive care". Better to be misanthropic and alive methinks.
Lol this was a good one.
I try not to go to either the rude dick extreme or the uncomfortably friendly stranger route. Just don't be nasty and I think that equates to positive karma in today's bigger cities.
Oh and if you see a guy choking, heimlich is OK but don't you dare do mouth to mouth.
I accidentally made eye contact with a big guy walking down the street yesterday. I immediately cast my eyes down upon the pavement again but as we walked by each other I heard him mutter, "Yeah. I'd do you." Eye contact should come with warnings.
I actually do make eye contact with everyone I meet, instinctively.
But then again, I'm a salesman.
God I hate going out in public, I long for the days when I could walk past a silent dog sleeping on the sofa, yell "Get off the frikken couch," and still get a happy wag. That's all we really want, ultimately, isn't it? The happy wag.
I think I am actually one of those friendly, chirpy types who do touch arms and rub backs and give little smiles to strangers.
But deep down I am an arsehole.
Go figure.
oh. my. word.
the hilarity!
i swing between extremes of
either chatting like a complete nutter to strangers
or monosyllabic answers to enquiries from checkout staff about how my day has been.
i make it a rule to NEVER make eye contact with the people who stand about waving brochures full of offers to reduce my mobile phone plan or sign up to satellite television.
Should I look at their rack while I attempt this...as your guy did?
luka...
Surely that kind of thing leads to spilled pints and fisticuffs?
absolutely, but this is what this author was advocating - when you chat to someone, brush against them to make a 'deeply human contact'
Billy...
That's about as far as my conversations with strangers go.
I don't blame you. I think I'm going to wear an iPod in future so as to pretend I don't hear if someone talks to me.
electro-kevin...
on a totally unrelated note..in Austria touching any part of a chimney sweep is considered good luck that's why the profession is so popular...you're always getting your brush rubbed by the ladies
Misssy M...
Can I get first dibs on writing the exact opposite of that book? "How to Repel Unwanted Advances".
YESS!!!!
I really think we could write this together. Although my direct approach, at first "Go away," then "fuck off" then pint of lager over head isn't exactly subtle it IS effective. Cricket bats also sound good but sometimes lead to the clink alas.
Gorilla Bananas...
I suppose the author is a little old middle aged woman so maybe her eye contact with and brushing against men didn't lead to stalkers. But she should have a warning on her book: 'don't try this if you are young and attractive.'
Karen ^..^...
The man followed me all over the store and now has intimate knowledge of my likes and dislikes regarding a greek salad.
I might have been more amenable to his inane chat if he'd at least offered me a ham sandwich (no that isn't a euphemism)
moi...
You know Johnny feels the same way, he's just waiting for that waify wife to die and then you too can be together for ever.
fingers...
Why would anyone BUY Cosmo to read useless shit about '69 ways to do a 69'?
And I really did admire him for making his sandwiches in the middle of Starfucks and giving them the two fingered salute
Keshi...
Also why is one almost never fancied by the people one fancies or befriended by the people one really likes? I have never had any problem being popular with people who I am neutral about.
Kira...
On some level I admire your lack of caring about what people think of you.
Why would anyone care what people think of you unless it is like a job situation and you have to be nice to get ahead?
The honesty is fabulously refreshing.
thanks, although a lot of people think its obnoxious!
just bob...
you just need to read this book!
Memphis Steve...
It was a social experiment I won't be repeating in a hurry that's for sure!
Ro...
(a) psychotic, (b) high, (c) dangerous, or (d) psychotic, high and dangerous.
oh come on Ro don't be modest, you must have got a shag out of it once out of a hundred times surely?
Cunning_Linguist...
I wasn't really networking I was just trying to spread the jam of human kindness on this peanut butter like man...to make the world a better place....it was quite amusing purely because I made sure he only had one of those plastic knives and nothing that could gouge an eye out.
BenefitScroungingScum...
Just wear dark glasses that way you won't be able to make eye contact.
Steve...
oh I know, making eye contact with strangers on the tube in London can get you maced
Gargamello...
In future I will send people good karma but not make eye contact, that way I will still be contributing to making the world a beautiful place but not having to make contact with psychos
Kathryn...
"Yeah. I'd do you." Eye contact should come with warnings.
Why?
Why?
WHY WHY WHY?
do men say things like that? What are you meant to reply: "Thanks, fancy a quick one in the bus shelter?"
Crushed...
But then again, I'm a salesman.
well, everyone has to make a crust. As long as you aren't a double glazing salesman I still respect you.
Helen...
absolutely I just want a happy wag from a stranger, not a deluded attempt at chatting me up
sparsely kate...
I think I am actually one of those friendly, chirpy types who do touch arms and rub backs and give little smiles to strangers.
did you at least ever get a job offer out of it?
the projectivist...
i make it a rule to NEVER make eye contact with the people who stand about waving brochures full of offers to reduce my mobile phone plan or sign up to satellite television.
if I'm in a really good mood I will answer market research surveys on the street and put all totally wrong answers just to scramble their data. the fuckers.
VE said...
Should I look at their rack while I attempt this...as your guy did?
absolutely, the nipples are the windows to a woman's soul
Chimney sweeps getting touched is lucky ?
Not if it's done by a minor, Emma. Oh no-no-no-no no.(Shakes head like the Churchill dog.)
Otherwise the musical would have been called Kiddie-Fiddler On The Roof, wouldn't it!
all that brushing up against folk sounds dreadfully unhygienic... I'll start the eye contact part in the pub on Friday night though...
emma...when i first started reading this post i was thinking "the last damn thing i need in my life is more people"...i was so glad to see the ending...that is how i feel as well...i do use some techniques to get the shopping done more pleasantly (sometimes) and to get things done i want/need done at the time and then i drop it...i don't want people to actually talk back, i just want to get my way...that sounds really bad doesn't it?
EK....
Kiddie-Fiddler On The Roof, wouldn't it!
Actually I believe Gary Glitter was working on this project before he found himself thrown into a Thai jail.
Conortje...
I'll start the eye contact part in the pub on Friday night though...
you sound like me, I cannot flirt at all. Although when I get drunk I'll go up to anyone. I once picked up a guy on the tube with the line, "Are you a homosexual?" It goes without saying he wasn't lol
Daisy...
I just thought I should try to figure out why I can't stand most people but after reading the book I came to the conclusion that it was even more deranged to try and befriend everyone than giving them all the evil eye
I'm big on eye contact personally and the results vary but usually result in smiles from females.
Males however are a different story and it usually results in them looking away or to the floor or often they turn out to be some kind of nutter who has lost their camel and proceeds to tell me the whole story.
For that reason I tend to stick to making eye contact with females. They are generally more pleasing on the eye anyway and rarely turn out to have lost any animals.
"EK....
Kiddie-Fiddler On The Roof, wouldn't it!
Actually I believe Gary Glitter was working on this project before he found himself thrown into a Thai jail."
(Emma)
'I love, you love ... you're only two love ...'
Remember that Glitter ditty, Emma ?
Midnight - I always found eye contact with the women difficult. Well I liked that position favourite, see ?
Why the past tense, Kevin ?
Oh - since you ask, I'm married to the most beautiful woman. Though how would I know ? I haven't seen her face for months now.
i got stuck at
"Dannii Minogue would give everything up for the right man"
that's not a whole lot by my reckoning.
He just wanted to borrow some bread for another sandwich.
**Also why is one almost never fancied by the people one fancies or befriended by the people one really likes?
yes thats right, it almost seems like it's nature's law :)
Keshi.
I like to look a woman in the eyes just before she runs away in terror calling for security.
"oh come on Ro don't be modest, you must have got a shag out of it once out of a hundred times surely?"
Certainly not. In part that's undoubtedly because I have always been rather shy and retiring but mainly I think it's because if someone smiled back then it would be my turn to wonder whether they were (a) psychotic, (b) high, (c) dangerous, or (d) psychotic, high and dangerous ;)
midnight....
I have to say everytime I have made eye contact with a man it has resulted in some disastrous attempt at a chat up so I will be wearing dark glasses in future.
electro-kevin...
'I love, you love ... you're only two love ...'
Remember that Glitter ditty, Emma ?
I certainly do. I also have the album from the Kiddie Fiddler on the Roof movie.
Why the past tense, Kevin ?
talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.
kiki...
"Dannii Minogue would give everything up for the right man"
I know, it was a bizarre article, I mean exactly what would she be giving up? She's always been a bit of a C list celeb doing crap like Australia's Got Talent and then Kylie had to steal her thunder yet again by getting cancer!
Rocco Tool...
He just wanted to borrow some bread for another sandwich.
More likely he wanted to insert his hot dog into my roll
Keshi...
yes thats right, it almost seems like it's nature's law :)
sod's law more like
just bob...
I like to look a woman in the eyes just before she runs away in terror calling for security.
you are the last of the romantics
Ro...
I think it's because if someone smiled back then it would be my turn to wonder whether they were (a) psychotic, (b) high, (c) dangerous, or (d) psychotic, high and dangerous ;)
I know what you mean, like Woody Allen said: "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member."
that totally cracks me up. No eye contact.
I'm looking forward to 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate People' - much more fun. If you and Misssy would like any contributions for H2RUA let me know. (Though the two year old has just looked at your profile pic and said 'Like Blue One!' - maybe there is something to this magnetism thing after all ...)
In this stupid town of LA if you dont smile at every fool, you get arrested. I still dont have a boyfriend.
I'm with you Emma..I think the desire to be liked by everybody is just sad. It all sounds too contrived. I think you reach a point where you know what matters and that is enough.
"every single person you meet like you and to become your friend"
I think that sounds like an express lane to diminished self-respect.
vodka mum....make eye contact at your peril!
kate lord brown....Thanks, we do need contributors! And I am delighted to have a two year old fan.
suzy...In this stupid town of LA if you dont smile at every fool, you get arrested.
just one more reason why I could never live in LA!
Ms Robinson...
I think you reach a point where you know what matters and that is enough.
I just realized, to be liked by many one has to be a people pleaser and I realized I will never be one.
xl...
"every single person you meet like you and to become your friend"
I agree that this strategy would lead to diminished self respect so why is this woman a best selling author!
i just had to revisit this one again...prior to work this morning...thanks for the reminder...i feel absolutely postal this morning...
I got to be quite good at the people magnet thing, but like you, found I only wanted to be liked by people I liked.
I smile and talk to everyone. You see, everybody else has turned nasty and alienating. People are desperate for just a little human contact. It is also amazing how many people can do something positive for you or provide you with good information if you give them a few minutes of your time .
I also have a talent for being able to cut a conversation short politely. Go ahead and be nasty to everyone, I'll be happy to reap the benefits of being friendly to your cast-offs.
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