Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Witch, lech or fool?

In recent tymes I foundeth myself at yon Renaissance Festival and after much jostling, tooing and froing, and much bear baiting and maypoling, I found myself, after partaking of the mead, upon the stage where a man with long beard was trying to discredit me as a witch and have me burnt! What a scoundrel! This lustful Greybeard was trying to find out if I really was a witch by poking me with a stick to make me scream, but I ended up having a rather droll time of it and being offered an opening at a brothel.



Listen closely to the video, but for those with little time for such tomfoolery here is the punchline:

Greybeard, after poking me with a stick and making me scream: Have you always been a screamer?

Witch Hazel (me): Yes

Greybeard: I only ask because I own three brothels and at the moment there’s an opening.

Witch Hazel: What are the rates?

Greybeard: Well it’s rather easy work, the rates are not so good .. it depends on, on … Look woman, don’t be funnier than me!

[note: at the end I was found to be guilty of being a witch, but did not perish by fire because it took too long to rubbeth two sticks together to create flame. Hurrah! The witch continues to bloggeth]

I do not believeth myself to be a witch, do you? And now I ask thou yonder audience, am I not more fool than witch?


Or more lech than fool?



39 comments:

Steve said...

Lech's have more fun. I know what I'd choose.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You mean they didn't burn you? I bet they used to commute the sentences of all the fuckable witches in medieval times as well. 30 days community service in the Lord of the Manor's bed. I hoped no one goosed you when you were in those stocks.

Daisy said...

that was wonderful...you had a good go at him and i don't think he was quite expecting it...didn't know you were a screamer though...interesting that...glad you had a good time...btw you look marvelous when laughing...

Clyde said...

Ah, fair maiden, I would rideth in on my noble steed and release you from the stocks.
Always did fancy a screamer

Mars said...

haha...great stuff.

Liberal Banana said...

I love that you wore a skirt and heels to a Renaissance festival! You look beautiful!

That guy was terrible - some of those lines were really cringe-worthy. "Have you always been a screamer?" I know they wouldn't have known what he was referring to, but there were KIDS in the audience!

Cunning_Linguist said...

ya gotta love the renaissance fair fake cheesiness of it all.

Good one there, Sharon Stone.

xl said...

"witch, lech, fool"

Are those our only choices?

EmmaK said...

steve....You have me there, I am a pretty big lech!

Gorilla Bananas...
You mean they didn't burn you?
They tried to but alas they could not rub the sticks together to make fire!

Thanks for your concern, I was not goosed in the stocks but someone did throw a rotten egg at me.

Daisy...
didn't know you were a screamer though
I am a screamer although I don't fake it!

Clyde...
Ah, fair maiden, I would rideth in on my noble steed and release you from the stocks.
Ah Sir Clyde, thou mayest shower me with rose petals before I mount your trusty steed

Mars...
thanks...it was a scream

Liberal Banana...
I love that you wore a skirt and heels to a Renaissance festival! You look beautiful!

Well I had been to church earlier. I'm not really religious I just go because...well its a long story.

The guy seemed funny to me because I was a little inebriated!

Cunning_Linguist...
ya gotta love the renaissance fair fake cheesiness of it all.
to be fair you have to be a bit drunk to find it amusing, couldn't get too drunk though because my friend and I had four kids with us

xl...
"witch, lech, fool"

Are those our only choices?


Call me anything you like just call me

seriously....I think there was also a sign for 'sot' but the public decided I was fool and lech

scarlet-blue said...

I am a fool for a lech and possibly a foolish lech . . . it looks great fun!
Sx

Roland Hulme said...

Renn Faires are the most awesome invention EVER.

you look very foxy in stocks, by the by.

Trixie said...

You are no fool, or a witch, so must be a lech! That fits the bill I think! lol

the beast of berkeley hunt said...

I'll wager that hubby made an offer for the stocks.

Effortlessly Average said...

Burning? The stockade? Shoot, I'd have made her prove her screamer skills first, which now that I think about it could provide a pretty fun use for the stockades too, based on the pictures.

fingers said...

Loved the crossing/uncrossing of the legs, Emma.
Very Sharon Stone...

unique_stephen said...

fox in stocks... very funny.

EmmaK said...

scarlet-blue....I am a lecherous lech no question!

Roland Hulme...

Renn Faires are the most awesome invention EVER.

sure its okay for you lads, gazing at luscious lovelies with acres of cleavage in corsets but we women get short changed and all we get it rotund men in codpieces and tights.

you look very foxy in stocks, by the by.
I thank you kind sir!

Trixie...
Absolutely I am a lech...far too lazy to do all those spells

the beast of berkeley hunt said........

I'll wager that hubby made an offer for the stocks.

ha ha, more like one of my sexual fantasies actually!

Effortlessly Average...

pretty fun use for the stockades too, based on the pictures.

I wonder if kinky folks break into the Ren Fair after dark to make use of the stockades for improper practices?...not that I'd ever think of doing something like that of course ;)

fingers...
Thanks, I trained for five years with Lee Strasberg and my porn video Fox in Stocks is currently in pre production. I just need funding. Interested?

unique steven...
Fox in Stocks
This is a great name for a porn movie, a renaissance porn movie with lots of women in curly wigs and lots of corsets. I think we're onto something here. Maybe Fingers can provide the funding.

Clyde said...

Then again if I approached you from behind while you were in the stocks----hmmmmmmm

moi said...

You're so funny AND so cute, you could get away with anything. P.S. Anonymous Boxer has a Project Runway post going - chime in, won't cha?

EmmaK said...

clyde....
Then again if I approached you from behind while you were in the stocks----hmmmmmmm

yum yum...yes, I like the idea

moi...
You're so funny AND so cute, you could get away with anything.
I was a little inebriated and also he was being a bit patronizing so I thought I'd wind him up a bit

electro-kevin said...

Phwoar !

You look great in stocks.

;-)

electro-kevin said...

I'd pay to see that again.

So what does that make me, Emma ???

EmmaK said...

electro-kevin...thanks...I look even better in stockings!!
I am hoping that fingers is going to fund my new porn film Fox in Stocks...seems like he has more money than sense

EmmaK said...

Electro...It makes you a stocks fetishist...
You need to go to a Renaissance fair, do they have them in the UK?

fingers said...

'I am hoping that fingers is going to fund my new porn film Fox in Stocks...seems like he has more money than sense.'

You have a lot to learn about how to sweet-talk film producers...

Vodka Mom said...

wait a minute, i want one of those contraptions at MY house.

Wow, that was awkward said...

My mom recently found out she is a distant cousin of Rebecca Nurse - one of the more famous witches from the Salem trials. So I guess that means I have some witch in me. I think of you much more as court jester than I do witch.

fingers said...

Anyway, I wouldn't be going anywhere near stocks at the moment...

Gargamello said...

Hot MILF witches really don't deserve to be persecuted, there should be a clear exception in the law under such extenuating cirumstances.

garfer said...

Apparently the secret with suspected witches is to chuck them in the river.

If they drown they're innocent, if they float they're guilty and you haul them out of the water and burn them at the stake.

All bases covered.

mutleythedog said...

I have some pies to throw at you...

electro-kevin said...

Emma - I know who you remind me of and it's been bugging me for ages.

Forrest Gump's girlfriend, 'Jenn-nny.'

"Will yooooo marreeee meeee ?"

electro-kevin said...

http://www.moviefans.de/a-z/f/forrest-gump/jenny-forrest.jpg

Jules said...

I'm a witch.
I love being a witch.
I am earthy and powerful and sexy and sultry and crafty and cunning and loving and wise.

You're a witch too.

EmmaK said...

fingers....

You have a lot to learn about how to sweet-talk film producers...

I will service you in any way you see fit if you will fund my project. You are my sun, my moon, you are what makes me get up in the morning and what makes me want to live, you are my master and my God. That good enough? Can you pay the $4,000 via my paypal account?Cheers

Vodka Mom...
Maybe one could incorporate stocks into a coffee table design....dual functionality?

Wow, that was awkward...
I think of you much more as court jester than I do witch.
Absolutely! If only there were still such positions in the royal court.

Gargamello...
Thanks for the heads up

garfer...
I got round nearly dying in this test a couple of times by wearing an oxygen tank under my witches cape

mutleythedog...
I have some pies to throw at you...
thanks, aim for my mouth

electro-kevin...

I haven't seen the film and I can't see the resemblance but at least she is good looking so thanks?

EmmaK said...

jules....I have witchy tendencies but am too lazy to gather up eyes of newts and lizards tails to make a brew

unique_stephen said...

nice head btw

fingers said...

To be honest your proposal smacks of desperation.
The project is clearly a stinker...

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