Usually I just think of Christians as something a tad irritating, like a fly scurrying across my forehead and causing me to itch. If they ask me - usually while I am sweating on the Stairmaster - if I have Jesus in my life, I can just brush them away with some comment like, "If God exists then why are most gay men gorgeous and most straight men ugly?" and the Jesus flies will just look shocked, flap their wings and fly away.
But after perusing a site called Christian Nymphos which dispenses advice to couples on how they can spice up their love life without breaking God’s laws, I began to wonder about those poor lost souls who have never stumbled across this useful site where an agony aunt, after having a chin wag with God, has given a free pass to Christians who want to fantasize about Dick Cheney, wear cheerleaders outfits during sex or even to masturbate!
But imagine if you were a Christian who'd never found this site and who was tossing and turning all night, fighting your perverse desires while flicking through the bible trying to find Godly verses to justify their attraction to all manner of things - like their own genitals?
Taking this thought one step further, I don't think it's inconceivable that the emergency services might have been recipients of calls such as this:
Operator: Hello, 911. What service do you require?
Irate Christian: Well, I wish to report a crime ... so police, I suppose.
O: What's happened?
IC: Well, I just came home to find my room mate watching a porno called Sex, Lies and Trousersnakes ...
O: Wow! I so wanna see that movie.
IC: And, er, anyway, well, he was attacking ...
O: A woman?
IC: No, he was, well, I can only describe it as an assault on his penis. He had his penis liberally smothered in Crisco and was rubbing it in a fashion that made him ejaculate, which, as you know, is a violation of one of the bible's premier tenets, 'thou shalt not spill thy seed.'
O: I don't understand, you're saying your room mate was jerking off?
IC: Yes, well, I wouldn't put it so crudely, but yes. (Getting irate) Look, I need reinforcements over here ... I mean, as you know, masturbation is a crime. I want this guy arrested for violating a sacred sacrament.
O: Okay, okay, I'll need your address.
IC: 609 Rampart Street. Get the cops over here soon, I think he's started up again. So you're actually going to arrest this sinner?
O: No, I just haven't seen that movie yet and have heard it's hot! Tell your friend to hang on ... cos I'm coming over!
Irate Christian hangs up in disgust.
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21 comments:
Feeling guilty and sinful is surely part of the enjoyment. If masturbation was mandatory or as perfunctory as doing the washing up I don't think I'd bother. I'd move straight onto to coveting my neighbour's ass...
"better to spill thy seed in the womb of a whore than on the ground at your feet" is I believe the jist of the statement, no?
Now that I think about it.... I'm liking that bible stuff more and more. Sign me up for some of that whore stuff. Sounds fine to me. Aside from that I'll do my best with not killing and all that other malarky, but I can't promise anything.
LMAO, I like your methods for getting rid of the pesky Christians... I'll have to try that some time. Possibly today when I go to the gym and am on the elliptical machine.
The rest of it is just freaking hilarious. That an entire religion can deem a natural, normal, biological urge as "sinful" really is a headscratcher to me. Amazing. I think in the next world, we should make marriage sinful and unnatural. As it truly is: Lets see, you put two completely different people together in the same household, they were raised completely differently, by different people, and we expect them to get along? Then we add KIDS to the mix and expect them to agree? Sounds pretty unnatural to me... But that's just me.
Oh don't! I am desperate to blog about the Baptist wedding I've just been to where the marriage counsellors tried to channel the word of God on stage (is that right- is "stage" the right word?) ripe for parody- ripe I tell ya! Can't do it- groom reads the Misssives and I want him still to like me.
But you've got to hand it to the Christians- they are a right laugh. Even though they don't know it. Comedy gold.
"Usually I just think of Christians as something a tad irritating, like a fly scurrying across my forehead and causing me to itch."
Fell. Off. Chair. Laughing.
I love you for writing that.
I love it! But can I suggest Russell Brand and Jonathon Ross as the call takers? (check the UK news if you don't know what I'm talking about!)
BG x
Let's not forget that Christians invented speaking in tongues, which is a form of cunnilingus masturbation.
I'm gay and I'm bloody gorgeous.
Where the fuck did you find that photo of John McCain and Condi Rice in the hot tub...
Ah. So it was Satan who sent me the actor, then Jesus who intervened and made him Crest-whitened and paunched. Hence, Moi's marriage "saved."
steve...
lol
I've never felt guilty about masturbating, maybe that's why I don't get all that much out of it!
Cunning_Linguist...
"better to spill thy seed in the womb of a whore than on the ground at your feet"
I phoned Christian Nymphos and they agree with your conclusions.
Blogger Karen ^..^ ...
why do they think they can proselytize you in a gym? crazy
Misssy M...
But you've got to hand it to the Christians- they are a right laugh. Even though they don't know it. Comedy gold.
They are pretty funny, but not so funny when Jehovah's Witnesses knock on your door. I made the mistake of engaging a JW woman in a debate once while I was a student. Big mistake. She wrote me letters about how I was going straight to hell for months!
Roland Hulme ...
I don't mind Christians as long as they don't shove themselves in my face.
BenefitScroungingScum ...
wow, Jonathan Ross is still on TV? He was always pretty mediocre. I wonder who he's sleeping with?
Gorilla Bananas...
Let's not forget that Christians invented speaking in tongues, which is a form of cunnilingus masturbation.
that is a brilliant thought and one I would love to see practiced at one of those speaking in tongues evangelical meetings!
Baron Mandelwank of Boys...
You are lovely, but maybe a bit of Botox and a little filler around some of your fine lines luvvie?
fingers...
I sleep with a lot of paparazzis. Get in touch if you want pics of McCain, Palin and Obama getting it on - looks a bit like an Oreo sandwich with plenty of squishy filling. It's quite something!
moi....
Ah. So it was Satan who sent me the actor, then Jesus who intervened and made him Crest-whitened and paunched. Hence, Moi's marriage "saved."
yes, you are getting the message!! If Johnny Depp's car should ever break down outside your house and need to use your phone, by the time he rang the doorbell he would be a fetid dwarf! Praise the lord!
edit for spelling
I'd love to see a christian version of youporn.
Well, I'm a Christian and up until now I hadn't heard of this website, so I guess you've helped me along my path. Maybe God will give you a cookie?
So have we got it worked out yet.
Can I wank or do I lie ?
Oh, if I become a Catholic, are children ok
Local saying: "Southern Baptists are like cats. You know they are out raising hell, you just can't catch them at it."
unique stephen..
I'd love to see a christian version of youporn.
what would it involve, a lot of sheep and shepherds?
Memphis Steve...
The people at Christian Nymphos have God on direct dial.
Maybe God will give you a cookie?
actually a bird just shat on my head - I think that may be a sign!
Clyde...
So have we got it worked out yet.
Can I wank or do I lie ?
call the experts please Clyde:
When you feel all guilty
That you've gotten wood
Who you gonna call?
Christian Nymphos!!
xl...
Ooh those southern baptists sound like kinky little buggers!
OMG-Jesus Flies. Are there special fly swatters for these pesky gits? I am so buying one if there is.
Hey, I was raised a Southern Baptist by a guilt-inducing, fearful mother who graduated from Baylor. I have God's cell phone number and I can text him any time I want.
By the way, Cunning Linguist got the verse backwards. Jerking off is encouraged, but paying a professional to let you ride her like a Hoppity Hop is strongly discouraged.
XL's saying is right, though. Another one is "if you're going to invite a Southern Baptist to go fishing with you, always invite two. Otherwise, he'll drink all your beer." And this is also true.
@ Memphis >
Christopher Robin goes Hoppity, hoppity,
Hoppity, hoppity, hop
Whenever I ask him politely to stop He says he can't possibly stop
If he stopped hopping
He couldn't go anywhere,
Poor little Christopher Robin Couldn't go anywhere
That's why he always goes
Hoppity, hoppity,
Hoppity, hoppity,
hop!
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