In the book I Don't - A Contrarian View of Marriage, Susan Squire gives a mind boggling history about how crazy the church has been over time in trying to stop people feeling pleasure during sex. Pleasure during sex, I know, disgusting isn't it?
She writes that in the 11th Century there were religious wierdos known as penitents who wrote long rule books about every single sex act possible and the corresponding punishment you should incure for doing it. Gratian in 1140 in the Decretum sets out that the punishment for either oral or anal sex is generally equal to that for murder, that is, seven years but could be double that or more, fifteen years to life!
And what of aphrodisiacs? Trying to turn your man on in ye olden dayes could be punishable by long stays in the clink. Here's a quiz for you. Another penitent, Burchard, Bishop of Worms put together a formula for aphrodisiacs created by wives. Can you match the aphrodisiac to his suggested sentence for each heinous crime?
A. Wife mixes her menstrual blood into husband's food or drink.
B. Wife suffocates a fish in her vagina, roasts it and serves it to hubby.
C. Wife has a servant knead the daily bread on her bare backside before baking it.
D. Wife mixes husband's semen into his meal. Prison Sentences:
1. Seven years 2. Two years 3. Two year 4. Five years
Answers to quiz: A4, D1, B2, C3 - who got full points??
So what gets you in the mood for lurve (apart from your wife's famous Baked Fish)?
Also, I've just had a request from my dear Scottish pal Misssy M, also known as "The North East's funniest woman." She's doing research for a talk she's giving at The Word Festival in Aberdeen about blogging and would love to hear from writers who blog as well as all the hobby bloggers. If you're a narcissistic blogger who wants to talk about why you blog please go here.
Who am I? Displaced Londoner now living in the States with my two little girlies and long suffering husband. Co-author of hilarious parenting book Cocktails at Naptime www.cocktailsatnaptime.com
My mom's an Austrian, my dad's a Brit, which makes me a Britaustrian, or possibly an Austrish?