In the book I Don't - A Contrarian View of Marriage, Susan Squire gives a mind boggling history about how crazy the church has been over time in trying to stop people feeling pleasure during sex. Pleasure during sex, I know, disgusting isn't it?
She writes that in the 11th Century there were religious wierdos known as penitents who wrote long rule books about every single sex act possible and the corresponding punishment you should incure for doing it. Gratian in 1140 in the Decretum sets out that the punishment for either oral or anal sex is generally equal to that for murder, that is, seven years but could be double that or more, fifteen years to life!
And what of aphrodisiacs? Trying to turn your man on in ye olden dayes could be punishable by long stays in the clink. Here's a quiz for you. Another penitent, Burchard, Bishop of Worms put together a formula for aphrodisiacs created by wives. Can you match the aphrodisiac to his suggested sentence for each heinous crime?
Aphrodisiacs:
A. Wife mixes her menstrual blood into husband's food or drink.
B. Wife suffocates a fish in her vagina, roasts it and serves it to hubby.
C. Wife has a servant knead the daily bread on her bare backside before baking it.
D. Wife mixes husband's semen into his meal.
Prison Sentences:
1. Seven years
2. Two years
3. Two year
4. Five years
Answers to quiz: A4, D1, B2, C3 - who got full points??
So what gets you in the mood for lurve (apart from your wife's famous Baked Fish)?
Also, I've just had a request from my dear Scottish pal Misssy M, also known as "The North East's funniest woman." She's doing research for a talk she's giving at The Word Festival in Aberdeen about blogging and would love to hear from writers who blog as well as all the hobby bloggers. If you're a narcissistic blogger who wants to talk about why you blog please go here.
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33 comments:
OMG I do not want to eat at that bitches house EVER! Who the hell thought of the menstrual blood, I am thinking maybe to punish a man, but to turn him on?
O.K.
I of course have suffocated many a fish in my twot and served it to my man. It does not work, just so you know. I will try the semen next. Cant wait to watch him eat his own spooge.
You know...all of that just sounds like a big, fat dose of nasty revenge. Aphrodisiac my ass!
Although, maybe the next time some weirdo pisses me off I'll give letter D a go.
You, my dear, are never dull. Thank God for your blog, otherwise they'd fire me for falling asleep at my desk.
compulsively yours..The thing is in those pre-Viagra days apparently the ladies had to use whatever they had handy to arouse their partners member.
otherworldlyone....now you mention those do sound like things done for revenge! Those crazy 11th century bitches eh?
Well, that was stinkin' funny! The fish squish was intriguing. All I can say, is what happened to the good old days?
:))
Now I know what all you chicks are thinking.
You really, really want to try (B) but you're wondering if you suffocate a fish in your vagina, how the hell you will get the smell out.
Well, simply remove the dead fish and rinse it with salt water before roasting...
fingers....
LMAO
You've obviously had a lady in your life try this old aphrodisiac trick on you before haven't you, you sly old trout?
The problems usually start when she suffocates the fish then forgets it's in there and then you start having sex...
fragrant liar....I wonder if frozen fish fingers would work in the same way?
Menstrual blood in food... it'd have to be fish pie with ketchup.
I don't think I could say it better than Compulsively Yours, "OMG I do not want to eat at that bitches house EVER! "
Surely, a skillful lawyer could get B knocked down to no more than a year probation by pointing out that fish begin suffocating as soon as they are out of the water.
Hmmm... I thought you said this was grouper, hon... cuz it tastes like tuna!
I wonder what the punishment would be for pulling her hair and smacking her ass after licking buttercream frosting from her naked body.
I just had tuna salad for dinner right before reading this!!!!
Apparently whales are a delicacy in Japan... Blimey. And Japanese women always looked so small...
I think a fish would feel quite at home in many vaginas, but perhaps women should pay more attention to their bottoms? Climb trees from a young age and your tush will be as firm as a gorilla's.
I suck on a sausage and serving up beer usually works a treat...
Sx
Fuggedabout weirdass love potions. Who needs to have sex AND indigestion at the same time? Although getting good and likkered up on occasion can still pave the quickest path to Moi's, uh, heart. Diamonds help, too.
Wow, those ladies were way freakier than the ones I know today! Can't even imagine...no, no, I can, but it really is quite gross.
I think if anyone told me they were paying for me to go somewhere else in the world and travel I'd do anything with them. Girl, guy, eh...just gimme the plane ticket, baby!! That's hot.
heh....heh heh....heh heh ha.....ha ha...Ha Ha Ha....BWAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA...... ass-bread.
Compulsively, you're a vile and rude individual. Call me.
I regularly pop a pubic hair in my husband's tea to give our relationship that extra oomph. He'll take what he can get.
Is that the kind of thing you mean?
yep...sounds pretty much like my relationship. such happiness.
i am, of course, kidding. that shit's fucked up.
NSFW link ahead…
Did the penitents make mention of cake farts?
What gets me in the mood? Well you already know about my smoking fetish, but apart from that:
Reddi Wip, a busty gal, and a cold, metal patio chair.
It is my understanding that many of these love potions remain locked away in the Vatican where they shall bloody well remain until all of those tedious free-fornicating Protestants have finally been Raptured.
Do you suppose that the common man was not interested in performing the act of frightfulness with his toothless hunchbacked hag because back then the countryside was still swarming with sheep?
please make the pain stop!
so funny!
Well, the Scots love their black pudding and that's basically blood---so, why not.
As long as she has a cute arse and it's dag free, then why not kneed the dough----sounds fine to me
But eat his own semen----well, no-not never no.
Hey, have I got it wrong---dont most girls suffocate the fish ?
I thought that's what gave the fish that nice vagina smell and taste----am I wrong ?
billy....
Menstrual blood in food... it'd have to be fish pie with ketchup.
Very good!!
Lotta...
"OMG I do not want to eat at that bitches house EVER! "
yeah but that would be bad manners - I mean if she's specially suffocated the fish it would be bad manners to turn it down.
xl...
Actually I'm not sure that most of these 'crimes' were ever prosecuted. As you say, how could you prove in court exactly how the fish died?
Effortlessly Average...
I wonder what the punishment would be for pulling her hair and smacking her ass after licking buttercream frosting from her naked body.
It's a very interesting book actually - it doesn't mention frosting licking as a crime but apparently in the twelth century the church said that a woman performing oral sex was the worst sin. It was considered less of a sin to sleep with your mother than to go down on your husband!
Some Chilean Woman...
I just had tuna salad for dinner right before reading this!!!!
can you say for sure you know how it died? ;)
i cannot even imagine trying any of those things...omg...what the hell...and here i just use a bit of shalimar and it seems to do the trick...oh yeah and i brush my hair before leaving the house ;)
Steve...
Apparently whales are a delicacy in Japan... Blimey. And Japanese women always looked so small...
As the saying goes ...big things come in small packages or big whales die in small packages or something...!
Gorilla Bananas...
I think a fish would feel quite at home in many vaginas
Absolutely, there is a scene in the novel LACE in which a lady puts a live goldfish up her vagina for pleasure.
scarlet-blue...
Basic but effective no doubt darling!
moi...
Although getting good and likkered up on occasion
good idea because then you won't think about the origins of the fish you're eating!
Kathryn...
I think if anyone told me they were paying for me to go somewhere else in the world and travel I'd do anything with them. Girl, guy, eh...just gimme the plane ticket, baby!! That's hot.
I know what you mean, you'd be like the tagline: I'm Kathryn Fly Me
Cunning_Linguist...
Compulsively, you're a vile and rude individual. Call me.
I think you two are made for each other
Misssy M...
Good idea but maybe up the ante and add a few handfuls of pubes to his stew and watch him become a frisky hare.
rocco tool..
smoking fetish
Reddi Wip
a busty gal
a cold, metal patio chair
Okay Rocco I'm not that busty but I can do the smoking and reddi wip but I'm not that keen on the cold patio chair.
Are we still on?
I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to side with the Bishop of Worms on this one. All of those offenses - with the possible exception of "C" (depending on the exact kneading technique involved) - are worthy of at least some type of punishment.
Look - I love women, and I can groove on the whole "female-goddess-menstrual-blood" thing (I've dated a few Wiccans) - but not in my Chicken & Dumplings, ok? Let's keep the food and the bodily fluids separate.
What gets me in the mood for love ?
- A bowl of Rowntree's Fruit Jelly
- A bottle of Johnson's Baby oil
- some sexy black leather 'fuck me' boots
- A polythene sheet ...
... oh - and an electric toothbrush.
Bzzzz ! Electro !
captain smack...what you fail to appreciate is that women could not initiate divorce in those days. So after wearing out her hand made dildo what is a poor wench to do if her husband is impotent except but his sperm in his food? You tell me?
electro-kevin...the fruit jelly plus some squirty cream could be fun...plus custard and rasberries ....Trifle Sex
A trifle predictable, I'm afraid, Emma.
How about a new avatar ... for my collection ?
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