"Well maybe I'm stating the obvious here," I said, "but have you ever considered relocating to Poland?"
"Not that kind of pole," Rachel replied, a voluptuous vertically challenged Jewish teacher with a dark mop of curls. "I mean I really want to have a stripper pole fitted in the basement so I can pole dance for my husband."
I tried to imagine Rachel in a diamond encrusted thong upside down on a pole - and failed. "So what's the problem?"
"Well, I don't know how I'm going to explain it to the children. Daniel says we're to pretend its a fireman's pole that we bought just for them, so they can pretend to be firemen. And I thought I'd tell them the pole was a trellis and to have plastic plants running up it by day which I would remove at night." I nodded, sure that there had to be a more convincing excuse out there.
Not being very athletic, this would be Emma pole dancing
On top of her pole dilemma Rachel is also burdened with another huge problem. Her bed slides around so much while she has sex that sometimes she says she does not know which room she has ended up in, and while I fear that is an exagerration she says it is a tad annoying to suddenly find oneself crashing into a wall. They have tried putting various materials on the legs (of the bed) to stop it skidding on the hardwood floors, but nothing is doing the trick. I suggested velcroing the legs to the floor to which Rachel replied, "It might be easier if I just velcroed Daniel to the wall." Again, I know there is an answer out there for this problem, but what is it?
Another sexy MILF, blonde goddess Amy, threw out a question at the group. "Does anyone else have problems when trying to pull pasties off their nipples?"
I nodded in what I hoped was a sophisticated manner while inside I was thinking, why would anyone want to put Cornish Pasties on their tits? Horses for courses, I told myself. Live and let live.
Amy went on. "You know, like that your nipples really sting and throb once you pull them off?"
There were murmurs around the table of, yeah, I know what you mean. Eventually I realized that the pasties Amy was talking about were those tassley things for doing a stripper dance rather than hot pockets of warm meat.
Now, I enjoy solving people's problems, but I must say I was well and truly stumped. Does anyone out there know:
1. What excuse to give to the kids regarding the stripper pole in the basement?
2. How to stop a skidding bed crashing into the wall?
3. How to stop nipple burn once you rip off your pasties? If you wish to create some non stinging pasties go right ahead but I will require a 10% cut since I gave you the idea.
Some of you may think I am quite the kinkster but I went home feeling very square indeed.
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29 comments:
You've got to admire the lengths they will go to to keep hubby's end up. Let's hope they don't run out of tricks!
1. Tell the kids the truth. They're gonna need to know someday, I'm sure.
2. Just do it on the floor. Ooh, or get carpet! Erm. Switch rooms with the kids?
3. Leave the pasties on. It'd make life more interesting for everyone involved. Can you imagine going to the doctor with them? It'd be like the two giant red tassly elephants in the room.
I'd love to help out but I'm too busy removing the pastries from my nipples.
Danish, anyone?
GB...in Rachel's case she's been married 20 years so if hanging upside down on a pole is going to get things spicy then she's going to do it!
kathryn...lol....leaving them on at the doctors! Good idea. Could you shower in them though, I wonder, are they water proof?
MJ....I'm sure you'll find some kinky monkey who is only too willing to lick them off!
Stripper Pole: Send the husband to an actual strip club, which gives you time to watch Top Chef, him time to get worked up, and you both benefit when he comes home to do the nasty, thus saving valuable cash and, possibly, a load-bearing wall.
Moving bed: have sex on the floor. Or in the back of the car (see above).
Pasties? I, too, heard pastries. Now, there's some fun.
1)Tell them the phone company started installing metal poles in homes for better reception. Or...just tell them mommy's practicing to be on "The Real Housewives..."
2)My original response was going to be do it on the floor, but since that's already been taken twice:
Quit complaining! If the husband is banging her that hard, who cares about the effing bed/wall? If it's that big of a deal, pad the walls with cushions.
3)Be one with the sting. Or have someone slap you at the same time you are removing these...pastries.
1) subsidence
2) attach wheels and work with it
3) Lansinoh - if it can cope with cracked nipples breastfeeding a teething baby it can cope with pasties (Cornish or otherwise) x
I was in a shop with my daughter. It was one of those 'sells everything' places. I was looking at the wrapping paper, daughter was looking at the socks. Next thing I knew she was urging me to go and look at something: turned out to be merkins with matching pasties.
One daughter collapsing on the shop floor in hysterics. I quite wanted to pick up a packet and read what was written, but it wasn't the right time. At all.
No solutions whatsoever but I do have a video camera and am prepared to catch the first flight out tomorrow morning.
I imagine removing Kentucky fried chicken from nipples would be less painful.
It may even be nipple licking good, as long as there was a tub of coleslaw on the side.
I sure as fuck wouldn't want to be pole dancing in the basement!! I can just see Rachel and hubby tiptoeing out of their bedroom nude at 1am in the morning to nip downstairs to the cold basement for a bit of a performance!! No thanks.
And I know this is going to sound outrageous but what about carpet!! What is it with hardwood floors in the bedroom??
Why put the pasties on in the first place? Men love the look of nipples, their pokiness, their pinky brown hue, their suggestive "come suck me look". Why cover them up with trashy looking tassle shit??
Why doesn't Rachael just run the pole through the middle of her bed ??
Put the bed in the basement and she can just slide down from the living room straight onto the work bench. The pole will provide complete stability for her ballistically improbable couplings and stop the bed sliding around the floor.
I have no idea about the pasties though; I can't solve everyone's problems...
Pastries - you could rub custard into your nipples (please provide photos), that should solve your problem.
Don't know about Danish tho - I prefer Greek.
I'm afraid I'm woefully ill-informed as to the kink side of it, but I do know that there are all sorts of remedies available in the breastfeeding sections of baby shops now. Try searching 'hydrogel pads' on Amazon - the range is remarkable!
Alternatively, there's always the old 'cabbage leaves down the bra' trick. It does have to be Savoy cabbage, though, and is probably not quite in line with what she's trying to pull off here.
I tend have a strange affinity for poles too but only when there is alcohol consumed.And mainly I just like to swing myself round and round way too fast. Not sure I'd want one for the house though.
Lots of people now have poles in their houses for pole dancing - me included. Pole fitness is pretty mainstream nowadays, so all you have to say is that it's for exercise.
As to the pasties, it's all about the glue - in my line of work, I wear them a lot - in fact, I don't really feel dresses without them. I use false eyelash glue, which is much gentler unless you have a latex allergy. I avoid toupee/tit tape like the plague. Another tip is to use pasties with man-made bacing, that way the glue doesn't dry out completely and is easier to remove. Most people don't have them on long so removal is fairly painless, but I once had to keep a pair on for sixteen hours and they were stuck fast! Ouch.
Puss
1. What excuse to give to the kids regarding the stripper pole in the basement?
Just tell them it's for structural support. If the kids already know enough to figure out that it's for some type of sex thing, then there's not much use in trying to hide the truth.
2. How to stop a skidding bed crashing into the wall?
I think a little glue would probably do the trick. Sniffing glue is known to make people much less energetic.
3. How to stop nipple burn once you rip off your pasties?
Whenever I want to prevent pasties from sticking, I use Pam.
Bed Bath and Beyond sells a set of little rubber feet for the legs of your bed to keep it from sliding. I have a set and they work great.
Tell the kids the pole is to support a weak part of the basement ceiling.
moi....
Your advice as always, firm but fair, I am filing it away for the book on Modern Moral Dilemmas.
Now I'm all messed up. I'm wearing a couple of apricot danishes on my tits and am wondering how I'm going to nipple them off ...I mean nibble
otherworldlyone...
who cares about the effing bed/wall?
My thoughts exactly but she seems to have got a bit of a bee in her bonnet about this.
Kate Lord Brown...
attach wheels and work with it
genius!
Kitty...
turned out to be merkins with matching pasties.
I want the address of that shop. I want a matching set for Valentine's day!
Steve...
I just don't know how these ladies have the energy to pole dance and strip ...I mean they're not ladies of leisure like moi, they have jobs! Look forward to meeting you at the airport - I'll be the one with my breasts festooned with pastries.
garfer...
Ooh you dirty chicken fetishist ... stop turning me on
Jules...
And I know this is going to sound outrageous but what about carpet!!
Rachel claims she gets carpet burn when shagging on shagpile.
Re hardwood floors I regret having them done too as regards to having sex on them pretty uncomfortable.
fingers...
Why doesn't Rachael just run the pole through the middle of her bed ??
That is simply GENIUS. But I bet if they violently hammer the pole through the floor the whole house will collapse into a heap of rubble.
unique_stephen...
I prefer Greek.
Greek what though? You mean baklavas? yum yum
Melissaria...
Try searching 'hydrogel pads' on Amazon
I will tell her!
Conortje...
And mainly I just like to swing myself round and round way too fast.
I'd love a pic some time, do you wear a rhinestone thong while you twirl?
Glamourpuss...
I don't know what she was using, for all I know it was superglue. I bow to your expertise on this and will tell her about the false eyelash glue and hope this is the end to her throbbing extremities.
Captain Smack...
I'm a big fan of Pam too but the side effects of anal leakage sometimes outweigh the benefits, don't you find?
gators820...
I will tell her about the little rubber feet.
1. It's helping to hold up the ceiling so it doesn't fall down.
2. Build a seperate "sex room" for all your play time glory, leave the bed for sleeping!
3. Ice. Lots of ice...and blowing. Put on ice, then have someone blow on your nipples...unless you're large enough to hoist them up there and blow on them yourself!
Apologies, I've read this post twice and both times it's given me a craving for a cornish pastie... to the point where I can't think of anything else.
Sx
First of all ... first of all there is a big piece of bacon across my screen and it is making it hard to comment. This is all your fault!
Second, the kids are going to grow older, presumably, and over time figure out what that pole was, unless they are retarded. Assuming your Jewish vertically challenged, but well-built friend is their mother, I'm going to go with the stereotype and assume that they are above average in intelligence and may even figure out the pole right away. It might be better to just come right out and tell them "Mommie likes to pretend to be a ho sometimes and Daddy likes to watch."
Thirdly, the bed can be stopped instantly by putting down a good clearcoat on the floor, which will instantly bond to the legs of the bed, rendering it immovable for all time. As a bonus, the floor will be permanently shiny, much like the stages real strippers perform on.
Lastly, nipple pasties should be removed with olive oil. It neutralizes the adhesive and leaves the nipples buttery soft as a bonus.
There, problems all solved. No charge.
"I'll be the one with my breasts festooned with pastries." Emma, you'll be beating off hundreds of bearded cornish men with a shitty stick...
OK, I'm not even going to read the other responders because I so quickly came up with the solutions and I don't want to know that someone else did first. So here goes.
1. I lived in PA once, where nearly ever house seems to have a basement. Also where building codes are largely lax. As a result, many homes are built on sub-standard foundations and eventually sag a little, causing cracks in the walls here and there if the sagging gets too bad. The solution? Erect a pole in the basement beneath the sagging portion to "prop it up."
2. I also used to drive an RV around the country for a while, just to explore. One thing I HATE when driving is things rattling around. The stuff they use to keep dishes from sliding around in a cupboard would also totally keep the bed secure. A small square of carpet under each bed leg, with some of these between the carpet and the floor, and I bet I could nail that woman ten ways from sunday and that bed would stay right where we started.
3. So simple: a bit of petroleum jelly or baby oil (preferrably applied with my tongue-HA!) on the nipple would keep the adhesive from sticking.
Wow, you'd almost think I've had experience in these things, wouldn't you?
Simple with the pole..they just tell the kids from all the banging of the bed moving about...they had to put in another pole to keep the house from caving in!
What the hell are you people eating over there to have the energy to be moving furniture around and ripping tassled stickers off of boobs all the time? Jeesh!
1. tell them its for next years festivus celebration and to keep their damn hands off it.
2. they could tell everyone theyve rented their bedroom to a garage band and thats what all the commotion is
3. let the dog gently lick you nipples hee hee!
Look, I was going with the Cornish pasties with you----
But OK, I have the idea now.
Look, tell the kids nothing----they need imagination---might even come up with the right idea
But a bed that moves around that much----
Yer, right---your friend must be one very active lady
I think they should be filming and publishing
No, I'm with you. These "problems" make mine seem so very pedestrian.
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